


Left, Right

by arcanebf



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, And they were soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Canon Trans Character, David POV, Depression, Exes, Fate, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, M/M, Mental Illness, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, POV David Schreibner, Pining, Red String of Fate, Romantic Soulmates, S O U L M A T E S, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Therapy, Trans Male Character, and there's side linn/laura, god they're so in love it's gross, soulmate au turned therapy au, there's side hanna/jonas, they used to date but they broke up but now maybe they'll get back together we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-03-29 16:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 70,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19023949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanebf/pseuds/arcanebf
Summary: The first story he had ever been taught in school was about the red string of fate.From a young age, David was adamant that he wasn’t going to let anyone tell him what his life was supposed to be, even when he didn’t have the words for it, he was insistent that nothing and no one would be able to tell him who he was.Over the years, he had let himself grow into the person he wanted to be. David put so much work into becoming the best version of himself, a lot of the time that meant ignoring any implications of fate and destiny. When the universe wanted him to do one thing, he would always do the opposite.





	1. Wise Men Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something about this was familiar. He couldn’t place it though.
> 
> There was a tug inside him, a little voice that whispered softly “ follow the thread, follow the thread, follow the thread ” over and over again. He took a tentative step forward and the blue cord glowed dimly.
> 
> “Sure, I guess,” David muttered to himself. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before he decided to follow it further.
> 
> What was the harm in it after all? It was just a blue, glowing thread. Okay, there might have been some harm in it, especially if he didn’t know what it really meant, but that wasn’t going to stop him.

The first story he had ever been taught in school was about the red string of fate.

From a young age, David was adamant that he wasn’t going to let anyone tell him what his life was supposed to be, even when he didn’t have the words for it, he was insistent that nothing and no one would be able to tell him who he was.

Over the years, he had let himself grow into the person he wanted to be. David put so much work into becoming the best version of himself, a lot of the time that meant ignoring any implications of fate and destiny. When the universe wanted him to do one thing, he would always do the opposite.

As David walked home his music was soft ringing through his ears, tinny and distant from his headphones.

It was a long day, classes were exhausting, even though he only had Screenwriting III, which was a class on the basics of writing a feature film. He wasn’t challenged enough. Though with it only being the start of the semester, he guessed he should wait a little bit before he made assumptions. The syllabus would tell him otherwise though.

David’s recent artist to loop was Hozier, something about him really drew David in. He was deep, introspective, and there was something otherworldly feeling about the lyrics, which David appreciated. Hozier also understood that men get pegged. David was a simple boy who just wanted to understand all the things Hozier understood.

The walk home was always lonely but he didn’t live the same direction as many of his classmates, nor had he made any efforts to reach out to them just yet. He noticed a tug at his hand but he thought it was just his imagination so he kept going. He wondered what Amira would make for dinner, how much he would have to clean up, or if they had to go grocery shopping so they’d just order out. Maybe he could go to Linn and Laura’s and steal some of their food, they always had some homemade meal going on and they loved feeding David.

David let his gaze drop to the sidewalk briefly, finally noticing a thick, tightly woven thread leading from his pinky off into the distance. It was a bright, deep blue that shimmered brightly as though the sun was hitting gentle waves. He took a shaky breath, stopping in the middle of foot traffic to study the thread. No one else around him could see it. His fingers delicately traced the material, he chewed on his lip.

Something about this was familiar. He couldn’t place it though.

There was a tug inside him, a little voice that whispered softly “ _follow the thread, follow the thread, follow the thread_ ” over and over again. He took a tentative step forward and the blue cord glowed dimly.

“Sure, I guess,” David muttered to himself. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before he decided to follow it further.

What was the harm in it after all? It was just a blue, glowing thread. Okay, there might have been some harm in it, especially if he didn’t know what it really meant, but that wasn’t going to stop him.

David was so focused in on following the material to its end, he barely paid attention to any of his surroundings. He had actually looped back around and back towards the direction of the university, away from his home. It had been a little while since he had gone on a walk this long, lately just heading back home and hoveling up in his room to work on film ideas, or sprawling on the couch and quizzing Amira on different scientific terms. He had become more of a recluse the past two years.

Finally, the thread came up to an apartment building that he wasn’t familiar with. No one he knew lived here, but that voice was still persistent, repeating the same three words in his head. He took a deep breath and checked the list of apartment names just to make sure he didn’t know anyone. He didn’t recognize any, though there was one apartment that had the names “Mario & Luigi” attached. He rolled his eyes, figuring it was some dumb college kids like himself. He pressed the bell and waited patiently.

“Hello?” A voice asked, distorted through the voice box.  

“Uh, I lost my keys for the front door, can you buzz me up?” David asked, hoping he wouldn’t be asked where he lived. Thankfully the person just let him in and he slipped inside quickly. The inside was quaint, old school, not as gritty as the stairways of most Berlin apartment buildings. He liked that. He wondered if the apartments were the same.

The thread tugged again, David nodded, to himself mostly, following it up the stairs. He followed it up two flights before it disappeared behind a door.

Maybe this is where it should end, he didn’t need to know past this. His curiosity had been (mostly) satiated. He turned to go back down the stairs when the thread tugged the hardest it had before, almost knocking him over. David stumbled but caught himself. This was absolutely crazy.

David was critical, he didn’t do stuff like this. He didn’t just impulsively follow thread, he thought through all of his choices carefully, even the ones that would hurt. But this time he didn’t think, he just… Did. He lifted a hand and knocked on the door a little too forcefully, he winced at his motions and took a step back.

“Just a moment!” A voice called out from behind the door.

His fingers tightened around the blue cord, thinking maybe it would ground him. He had no clue what to expect behind the door, so why was he nervous? David waited for what felt like an eternity before the door opened. His breath had caught in his throat, he blinked a couple times, trying to process what he was seeing.

“Hey, that was fast, thanks, uh, sorry but I don’t have enough cash on me for it all with tip but I can like, Facebook message you the tip or something…” Matteo said, his voice was delicate and soft as he looked at his phone, trying to hurriedly pull up Facebook. David’s gaze fell on Matteo’s hand, where around his own pinky finger, the same blue cord was attached. _Of course._

“Uh, Matteo?” David’s voice was barely a whisper. He didn’t know what to say or do in this situation. This was the last thing David could have expected. “I’m uh… I’m not the delivery guy.”

Matteo finally looked up, his gaze caught on the thread, following it across the small distance between them. When their gaze met, Matteo just smiled brightly. Toothy, big, and a smile he knew was the most beautiful in the world. It was a smile that dragged David back to high school, which was surprisingly a simpler time than now.

“David, hey,” Matteo said softly. “It’s been a while.” David just nodded, he didn’t know what else to say. It had been two years since Matteo had broken up with him and it had been about a year and a half since David had last seen Matteo.

“Definitely, uh, how’ve you been?” David asked. Their break up had been amicable, surprisingly. There was pain to it, as all break ups have, but it wasn’t because they had fallen out of love with each other. Quite the opposite actually. Matteo had realized that he needed space, he needed time to try and make himself better. He was depressed and he wanted help, but didn’t want to make David wait for him through it all even though David was willing to move mountains for Matteo.

There had been a promise in the air that they would get back together when they were both ready, but David didn’t know how immediate that would be, or if it would ever actually happen. He just knew that he would spend his life waiting on Matteo if it were necessary.

“I’ve been alright, do you, uh, do you want to come in?” Matteo asked, stepping to the side so David could walk into the apartment. “I can make cocoa or tea. I think we’re out of coffee right now though.”

“Yeah, sure,” David nodded and stepped into the apartment carefully, watching as the thread danced between the two of them. He tore his gaze away from the thread quickly, he didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t think about it. David wasn’t the “fate knows what’s in store for you” kind of guy, he never was and he wasn’t about to start being that guy just because a string led him back to Matteo. He took off his backpack, setting it down gently, and hung up his coat on their coat rack.

“How’s school going?” Matteo asked as he lead David through the apartment to the kitchen. David took in the details of the new place. It was very different from the last one, but still felt familiar nonetheless. There was Matteo’s triangular pillow sitting out in the living room, the wall was plastered in video game posters and photographs of their friend group from high school. Some were recent, some were from back then. David caught a glimpse of an abi chaker clan photo with him and Matteo front and center, wrapped around each other. His heart skipped a beat.

“School’s alright. Wishing I had just jumped into the industry but I guess the connections and all that are helpful, I made some fun films last semester but I’m starting to feel worn out I think,” David said, still trying to figure out the living space. He wondered if he was living with the boys, because he knew Linn was living with Laura now. He had seen on Hans’ instagram story that he was all over the world at any point in time. And Mia was in Barcelona doing whatever Mia did. “How’s school for you?”

“I just started back up again this year actually, so I’m a little behind but it’s okay. As part of my exit out of in-patient therapy they suggested I take some time off from school so I didn’t overwhelm myself right away. I got a job part time and eased myself back into everything,” Matteo explained, he had already pulled out a pot and a whole host of ingredients. There was milk, a block of chocolate, cocoa powder. David moved to lean against the counter next to Matteo, keeping a safe distance between them though.

“That sounds good, I’m happy for you,” David smiled, he really was. He was so glad that Matteo was able to get better and feel better. He didn’t want to press any further because he didn’t believe it was his place to do so anymore. Matteo didn’t owe David anything. “Sorry I didn’t call you or anything after you got out, I wanted to give you your space.”

“Don’t apologize, I didn’t talk to anyone outside of Jonas and Hanna and my mom for a month after getting out, I needed space. It was on me at that point for not reaching out.”

“I don’t think so, I could’ve done something.”

“It’s alright, David, it’s the past. Things work out anyway, cause you’re here now.”

They were really going to ignore the thread of fate of it all, huh.

“What else have you been up too?”

“Honestly not much, I work at a bakery nearby, Hans helped me get the job, I hang out with the boys, Amira comes over sometimes to make dinner, just doing what I can to feel like I’m alive.”

David didn’t know that Amira came over to make dinner with Matteo. He’d have to ask her about that, and ask why she never said anything.

“I like that, that’s really sweet. You seem a lot happier now, Matteo.”

“I am. Sometimes it feels like things are missing,” Matteo’s sentence trailed off as he looked over to David, there was sadness in his eyes that David wished he could fix, but he quickly turned his attention back to the pot of cocoa. David felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. “But in general, I’m a lot happier.”

“Good.”

Matteo turned off the heat on the stove and moved the pot gently. He pulled two mugs down from the cabinet above him and carefully poured the cocoa in. “Whip cream?” He asked, looking at David again, though this time he was grinning mischievously.

David couldn’t help but grin back as well, nodding. “Yeah, y’know… Whip cream works better with hot chocolate than it does grilled cheese sandwiches.”

“That’s a lot coming from you, Mr. Sandwich Fetish.”

“I’ll have you know that I was caught up in the dumbness of a cute boy, I do not have a sandwich fetish.”

“Mhm, sure you don’t.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the one with the sandwich fetish.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Matteo laughed, kicking gently at David’s shin. “Drink your dumb cocoa.”

David loved the sound of Matteo’s laugh, it was musical and full of love, nothing Hozier wrote could match Matteo Florenzi’s laugh. He complied, picking up the mug, taking a slow sip. It was amazing, which of course it was, because all of Matteo’s cooking, baking, whatever it was with food, was absolutely amazing. Matteo could have been a chef if he really wanted, the talent was there, but he had decided not to go down that path because cooking had meant something to him. It represented a happy time in his life and he wanted to keep it there, he had good memories and feelings attached to food. David respected that.

They stood in quiet for a little while, it wasn’t uncomfortable though. It felt natural, like they had full slipped back into the swing of things, it was something David had really missed. It wasn’t something he would ever admit he missed though. At least he wouldn’t tell Matteo.

“What have you been up to besides school?” Matteo finally asked, setting down his mug with a soft thud.

“Oh, uh, I work at Homebrew, the shop that serves really pretentious coffee,” David said, which earned him a laugh from Matteo. “Laura and Linn are always inviting me over for dinner or to go with them on hikes and stuff, so I do that sometimes. I’ve been keeping to myself mostly though.”

“Old habits die hard, huh?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“How are Laura and Linn?”

“They’re doing well, they’ve gotten really into yoga lately. They keep trying to get me to go with them, they say it’ll be good for my soul.”

“Have you tried it yet?”

“No, I’m still trying to keep my activity to a minimum, the doctor said I have to ease back into exercise and I don’t think yoga is really easing back into exercise.” David stared down into his mug before setting it down on the counter gently. He hadn’t told many people he had gotten top surgery over the summer, he had recently gotten back to being a person again.

“Oh?” Matteo asked softly, “what happened?”

“I uh, I got top surgery, finally,” David looked back up with Matteo, smiling finally. It had been one of the most liberating things he had done, he wished that Matteo could have been with him but somehow it was better that he had done it on his own.  He felt so comfortable with Matteo, it was almost like they could slip back into their old ways. David couldn’t have expected Matteo’s reaction though. The boy basically tackled him in a hug, holding him tightly. He pulled back and pressed a soft kiss to David’s forehead which just made David’s cheeks turn pink. Or well, _pinker_.

“David, that’s so, so amazing, I’m so happy for you,” Matteo whispered softly. He had the biggest grin before pulling back from the hug fully. David hadn’t known what to do, he was so overwhelmed with emotion. They could really just fall back into it with ease and it wouldn’t have been a problem. “Seriously, I know how badly you’ve wanted this, this is… Wow. How’s it feel?”

“Thanks. I’m,” David nodded, trying to find the right words to explain his feelings. “I finally feel like I’m me, y’know? Like I’m there. I feel complete.” _Mostly_ , his mind tacked onto the end of the sentence. He’d feel more complete if Matteo and him were together, but that was a different problem on its own. “I finally was able to save enough money. Linn and Laura helped me pay for it, but uh... Mostly me. And then Amira had to take care of me during recovery, or well, I told her she didn’t have too because Linn and Laura basically lived at the apartment but she was insistent. She kept saying it’s what any good roommate would do. ”

“Yeah, she gets that way, it’s really sweet. She cares a lot about her friends.”

“It’s great, I’m lucky she’s my roommate.”

Matteo looked like he was about to say something more when the buzzer rang. “I’ll be right back,” Matteo promised. He disappeared down the hall and rang the buzzer.

A vaguely familiar voice rang through, “hey, Luuiigiii, I forgot my keys again, the pizza guy is here too.”

“Alright, I’m buzzing you guys up,” Matteo said with a chuckle. He came back into the kitchen and smiled nervously at David. There was silence between the two of them, David was unsure of what to do. He wanted to stay so badly but he wasn’t just going to invite himself to be part of something he didn’t fit into.

“I should head home,” David finally said. He started to move past Matteo when he was stopped by his arm in front of him with Matteo’s face close to his own.

“I think… We should see each other again soon,” his voice was so soft, and there was a familiar fear in it. A tone that David knew well, it was the same tone Matteo had used when he broke down at three o’clock in the morning two years ago, telling David that he wanted to get better. That he _needed_ to get better.

“Okay, I’d like that,” he spoke, but David didn’t feel like he had actually said anything.

“Cool.” Matteo smiled and let his arm drop to his side. “See you soon, David.”

David just nodded as he pulled on his jacket and grabbed his bag. He was about to leave when the string tugged at his pinky again. He groaned, turning back to Matteo, unsure of what it wanted from it. “Do you still have my phone number?”

“Not unless you changed it.”

“No.”

“Then I have it.”

“Cool.”

David smiled, turning away and opening the door, jumping back when he saw Jonas and the pizza guy about to knock right in front of him. He took a deep breath and smiled nervously. “Hey. I was leaving. Bye.”

Before Jonas had the chance to say anything, David disappeared down the stairs, moving as fast as his legs would allow him too. He needed to get out of there, something about it all had suddenly become extremely overwhelming. He needed to leave and go hide in his room. David made it outside the apartment building and slumped against the wall. His heart was beating so fast, seeing Jonas had struck the fear of god into him for some reason. David had seen Carlos and Abdi, hung out with them frequently even but Jonas… He loved Matteo so much.

David needed music before he kept going. He clicked through his Spotify, looking over the playlists, nothing really fit the mood he had currently. He took a deep breath, looking back in his playlists, wondering why he didn’t sort these better, but found the one he was thinking of eventually, clicking “shuffle play”. It was titled “All I Ever Wanted 💗💛” and it was approximately ten hours long, filled with music that David and Matteo used to recommend to each other. The first song to come on was a song by The Bleachers that David vaguely remembered listening too late at night on one of their first dates, he felt his heart slow down. He was okay, he’d be fine.

It wasn’t a crime to see your ex-boyfriend, even when it was because of some dumb “string of fate” or whatever. He didn’t even want to think about the fate thing, he couldn’t believe himself, he should have connected the dots way sooner than he had. And he was surprised Matteo hadn’t said anything about it either, but maybe Matteo just as desperately wanted things to be how they used too, just with less depression. There was something terrifying about fate that really struck David deep down to his core. He couldn’t pinpoint it but it just felt so restrictive. He wanted the ability to decide how his life was going to go, he didn’t want anyone telling him how it _had_ too. And even more so, he didn’t appreciate the fact that the universe was reminding him of how deeply in love with Matteo he still was.

Before he knew it, David had arrived home. He just drifted through the apartment, Amira wasn’t in her usual spot in the living room so he assumed she was still out, or maybe at work. But she didn’t always have to be there studying. She was more than that. David went into his room and dropped his belongings before crawling into his bed. He hid himself under his covers and let the weight of his blankets wrap him up. There was a brief thought in his head that he should take off his binder, but relief had washed over him when he remembered that wasn’t a problem he had to deal with anymore.

David tried to distract himself with anything, he tried to do homework, he tried to get up and eat, he even tried falling asleep but his mind was just consumed with thoughts of Matteo. He wanted to call, tell someone about what had happened too, explain the string, vent his fears and frustrations. He didn’t like that the universe really thought he was so stupid that he needed to be reminded that Matteo was the love of his life. He knew. He didn’t need convincing.

Ultimately he just settled on listening to the playlist again, staring up at his ceiling and wondering how Matteo was feeling right now. He wanted to know more about how his life had been going, he wanted to lose himself in conversation with Matteo. David had missed him so much, he didn’t realize how incomplete he had felt without him around until he had seen him again.

The music rotated through everything that Matteo and David had grown to hold near during their relationship. There was a tug on the string, David looked down at it annoyed as it glowed brightly, illuminating his dark bedroom. He wasn’t going to follow it right now, it was late and he was exhausted, he just wanted to sleep but all he could do was listen to the playlist. Every lyric meant something, every note carried a feeling, each song was rooted in a memory and all David wanted to do was to make more memories with the boy he was in love with.


	2. Only Fools Rush In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Uh, hey,” a small voice behind David spoke, breaking the interaction. Sara immediately put her phone away, jumping back over to the espresso machines, her eyes wide and watching patiently. David was confused by her reaction but he knew she could be jumpy and weird sometimes.
> 
> “Hi, welcome to Homebrew,” David started his small customer service spiel as he turned around, “what can I get started for you today?” He had only managed to uncap his pen when he saw Matteo standing in front of him. His cheeks were pink, eyes tired with sleep, his hair was messy like he hadn’t even bothered to fix it when he woke up. Matteo was perfect, really. As always. He knew that it was start of the semester and the coffee shop was near the university but David hadn’t been expecting to see Matteo here. David understood now why Sara had reacted like that.

The coffee shop was slow in the morning. It made it easy for days David had to open and he didn’t feel as high energy as he should have. Clocking in at four just to open at five was never easy, his body was still feeling the exhaustion from surgery as well. At least today he was working with Sara. He had gotten her the job and loved every time he had a shift with her. When they had clocked in, Sara made a beeline for the cold brew and poured the both of them big cups.

“It’ll wake us up,” she shrugged, before she got to work on her opening tasks.

David stood at the registers and counted out the money, made sure that the displays were right for the season, proceeding with the most boring, mind numbing tasks known to man. He was slower than normal, physically and mentally. He hadn’t been sleeping well the last few days because he was so in his head about fate. He didn’t like to think about it for too long, otherwise he got scared and nervous.

It was his day in charge of cafe music though, which was nice. It would be a good distraction. It was on a rotation through the staff, whenever it was his turn on the music he went out of his way to make sure it was as gay as possible, though he had been stopped one day when he had turned on Sufjan Stevens while it was raining. It was too “sad gay” for the mood of the day. He flipped through a couple of playlists, finally settling on “Mellow Art Beats” which was mostly just lo-fi hip hop beats that he would do his homework too.

His manager had confined him to the register for the day as well, claiming that David shouldn’t be over exerting himself too much because he just had surgery (which had been almost a month ago). David didn’t enjoy interacting with customers when he was exhausted. He just wanted to zone out and focus on lattes and cappuccinos and making really pretentious drinks for really pretentious people. He wasn’t even allowed to restart the brewed coffee. He was on strict cashier duty until his doctor gave the real okay.

David knew it came from a place of love and concern, but he wished he could just do his job. It did give him the ability to keep a closer eye on the music though, at least there were some silver linings.

Slow mornings meant that it was only two people behind the counter while someone else did inventory in the back, so the manager was in the back doing inventory leaving David and Sara out front to dick around while they waited for customers. Today’s challenge was to see how high of a pyramid they could stack the cheap reusable plastic coffee cups.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Sara said, moving very slowly to pull out her phone. They had almost gotten the stack to the ceiling, David was sat on the counter, unmoving. They were both afraid they would knock it down, but they needed photo evidence. He pointed to the stack with a big grin as she snapped the photo. “Okay, that has to go on Instagram.”

“Definitely,” David laughed. He slid off the counter delicately, as to not disturb the peace of the cup tower.

“What should the caption be?”

“Maybe something like… ‘Come in, we’re really bored’?”

“Uh, hey,” a small voice behind David spoke, breaking the interaction. Sara immediately put her phone away, jumping back over to the espresso machines, her eyes wide and watching patiently. David was confused by her reaction but he knew she could be jumpy and weird sometimes.

“Hi, welcome to Homebrew,” David started his small customer service spiel as he turned around, “what can I get started for you today?” He had only managed to uncap his pen when he saw Matteo standing in front of him. His cheeks were pink, eyes tired with sleep, his hair was messy like he hadn’t even bothered to fix it when he woke up. Matteo was perfect, really. As always. He knew that it was start of the semester and the coffee shop was near the university but David hadn’t been expecting to see Matteo here. David understood now why Sara had reacted like that.

“Hi, David,” he repeated, the smile on his lips getting bigger. “Could I get an iced coffee with a lot of the sweetest syrup you guys have?”

David nodded, grabbing the size that he remembered Matteo used to love and writing down the order exactly how he’d like it. They had been together for long enough for David to remember how Matteo liked his coffee. “Anything else?” David’s voice was dry as he spoke.

“Yeah, could I get a flat white for Jonas? I think he likes medium, with two extra shots,” Matteo said, tapping his fingers against the counter lightly as he thought.

“That all?”

“Yeah.”

“Your total is 11.56£.”

“Cool.”

Matteo fished around in his pockets before producing exact change, passing it over to David. As David counted out the money to make sure it was the right amount, he noticed that there was a small piece of paper between the bills. He set it down on top of his register, placing the money inside before shutting it. Matteo was already down at the other end, waiting for the two coffees from Sara. David delicately picked up the paper, running his fingertips along the crumpled edges carefully.

 

_I noticed the thread too by the way._

 

David bit his lip before looking up at Matteo who was smiling over at him now. Sara handed the coffees to him, he waved, then was gone. David sunk down to the ground, letting out a groan.

“What was that all about?” Sara walked over to him and knelt down. David didn’t look at her. He couldn’t.

“How did you deal with all the soulmate stuff, Sara?” He asked as he looked up to the ceiling, staring at the blank white void there. The thought that maybe if he stared long enough he’d get lost in it and he wouldn’t have to deal with fate anymore crossed his mind, though he knew it wasn’t true.

“It was kind of easy for me, I guess,” Sara said as she took one of David’s hands in her own. He looked down and noticed a pale pink ring around her finger, he hummed. Laura and Linn had a similar ones, but it was lavender. It was like a physical representation of the thread, David didn’t know how to feel about them. Good for the people that liked them, he guessed.

“How do you mean?”

“I couldn’t figure out why I was so sad and angry all the time, not to say that you need to have love to be happy of course, but I think it’s important for me… But yeah, I was just sad and angry and I wanted to get into fights with everyone,” Sara explained, she spun the pink ring as she spoke. “And the thread appeared one day and it was glowing and pink and I thought “oh this is it” and I followed it at every turn because it felt like the right thing to do.”

“I’m not that kind of person.”

“You’re more of a “it’s my life, my choice” guy, yeah?”

“I just don’t get why the universe has to tell me that I’m in love with Matteo. I already know that.”

“Maybe it felt like it was time for you guys to get back together?”

“Why do you say that?”

“It’s been two years and you’re still in love with him. And obviously, like… He’s your soulmate.”

“I know, I just didn’t want the reminder, I guess.”

“Why not?”

“I like having the choice.”

“You’re a moron, David.”

“Maybe so.”

Sara rolled her eyes and stood up again. She didn’t look like she was interested in entertaining David’s dumb ideas. She was pretty hard on the soulmate nonsense after all. It had given her Leonie so he understood, he just couldn’t believe it for himself unfortunately. As their shift went on David noticed that Sara looked upset, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t want to make her sad with his own opinion but it was just what he felt deep down. Fate was bullshit and David decided he was the one person to knock it down a level.

 

* * *

 

Outside the therapist's office, in the waiting room David was the only person. The suite of offices had multiple therapists but David had scouted out and made sure the times he was there didn’t overlap with many people, today he was fortunate to not have overlap with anyone. He hated being seen going into therapy. No one was judgemental, but he felt like he was being judged deeply by everyone anyway. He didn’t like it.

The waiting room wasn’t anything special, just chairs lined up against the walls, a decaying houseplant by the door that they really should have just thrown away, and a coffee table that was flooded with different magazines, tabloids, educational, hobbies, anything the human mind could ever want. David wasn’t fond of anything on the table. Recently they had added a wall fountain as well, it trickled and flowed, supposedly it would make patients feel calm and safe, comfortable and willing to let their needs be met. David wondered which therapists idea that was, because he knew it wasn’t Angie’s idea.

David watched as the minutes ticked by on his phone, he listened to the playlist that he and Matteo had curated, he was trying to figure out what he wanted to talk about today in therapy. He knew Angie would bring up the usual, how he was feeling, was there anything putting pressure on him, how was his body after top surgery. He was fine with that, those were easy questions. He had to be careful how he answered them. It wasn’t like he was planning on lying to his therapist, he was just planning on keeping certain truths for the time being. David had decided he needed to figure out how he felt about Matteo truly before he brought up fate with Angie.

They had discussed it before, in depth too, but David was uncomfortable with each passing conversation of fate. It was restraining, it limited him to one thing. Fate made David feel like he was some unfortunate Greek hero who was confined to a life of sorrow, though maybe he had been working too hard on the Greek tragedy adaptations this past year. Might be time for a change of pace.

“David?” Angie called out, pulling David out of his head. He looked up and saw her smiling brightly at her. Today she was wearing a flowing purple button up and some long, kind of wide black pants. She always dressed for her own comfort which David admired. She was also a little… Airy sometimes but again, David appreciated it. He needed to be reminded that not everything was as heavy was he imagined it to be. He stood up and followed Angie back to her office.

“How’re you doing today?” She asked, her voice was gentle and always sweet. She sounded like the lady that sold Laura jam at the farmers market, David might’ve thought she _was_ that woman if he didn’t know any better.

“I can say I am solidly… Okay.” _I’m alive_ , he thought. That’s what mattered.

“Solidly okay is good since you did say you were bad last week.”

He didn’t remember that.

Everytime David entered Angie’s office, there was something different about it. This time he had noticed she swapped out a tapestry for a painting, though he couldn’t remember the tapestry. The space was very uh, different than most therapists office he had been too. When he was still going to his gender therapist, it was very clinical but old fashioned, so everything was made of wood and he felt like he was transported to the 1970’s every time he walked in. Angie’s office made him feel like he was walking into Linn and Laura’s apartment quite frankly. There were plants lining the windowsill, she had three different kinds of orchid on her desk. There was a yoga ball that people could sit on if they chose, but David always stuck with the small, blue love seat because he could bring his legs up, it was also more comfortable than the yoga ball.

Angie gestured for him to sit, he did. She sat across from him in an armchair that looked so fluffy that David swore everytime she sat down in it, she’d sink in completely like she was an old school Disney animation. She never did.

“So you’re okay today, yes?” Angie repeated, like she wanted to be sure that’s how David was feeling. That he wasn’t lying to her.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” David reached into his backpack and pulled out his journal, they had agreed that during their sessions if it helped him focus and stay calm, he could draw or paint or do whatever. He started sketching a vague outline of two hands across the two pages in front of him.

“How have you been feeling since top surgery?”

“Been feeling really good, I’m missing working out. I really wish that I didn’t have to be so careful because I want to go on runs and dance and stuff but I can’t yet. Though the doctor did say I could try swimming in a few weeks which… Is wild because I haven’t gone swimming in…” David stopped his movements, setting down his pencil on the book. He counted on his fingers, just to be sure he had the right number, “I haven’t gone swimming in seven years, Angie.”

The thought brought a large, cheek aching grin to David’s face. He hadn’t actually thought about it. There were so many things that he could participate in now that he felt comfortable with himself again. For a while before, he thought he wouldn’t know what to do with himself after he got top surgery but now that he had it, the feelings were clear. He was proud of his scars, they meant something to him, he wouldn’t be afraid to show them off. They were proof of how hard he had worked to be himself, he wanted people to see that.

“That’s wonderful,” Angie paused briefly to write down on her legal pad. She took notes during their sessions, he wondered where they went, or if they were just for her to keep her patients straight. “How’s everything else been?”

David looked down at the journal, continuing the sketch. “They’ve been fine. I’ve been keeping to myself more again, it’s been hard to like… Get out and interact with people. But I still do, Laura and Linn come over. Amira always makes dinner. Abdi comes over to storyboard films. Sara and Leonie will drag me to LGBT poetry nights, that sort of thing.”

“Alright, that’s good,” Angie nodded, David could hear her pen scratching against the page. “Have you… Seen Matteo lately?”

David’s pencil came to a halt on the page, he sunk back into the couch a little bit. Matteo hadn’t been brought up in therapy in weeks.

“Why do you ask?”

“It seems like you’re hanging out with a lot of the people Matteo does, that’s all. I was just curious if it had meant that you had mended things with him.”

“I haven’t.” _Lie._ “I’ve thought about reaching out to him but I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“What if… It’s different? What if we get back together and it’s all broken and messy and we can’t be fixed?” _What if fate is wrong and soulmates really are bullshit?_

“Sometimes we have to take that leap of faith, David. You never know what life has in store for you before you make the choice to go down a path you’re unsure about.” Somehow, talking about such a heavy thing, her voice was still full of air, she was floating and David didn’t get how she could do that. He focused on the drawing more, giving hard lines to shapes now, hands barley close enough to touch, wrapped around by a thick, knotted, twisted cord.

“And get hurt?”

“It’s necessary.”

“Angie, you can’t be serious.”

“What?” She laughed. “We’ve been over this many times, recovery isn’t a linear process, David. And life isn’t linear either, as much as we’d like it to be.”

“I don’t like my _therapist_ encouraging me to go out and get hurt.”

“Oh, so you’ll just hide in your room for the rest of your life? How’re you going to get to be a filmmaker if you embrace the lifestyle of an agoraphobe?”

“I wasn’t saying I was going to become an agoraphobe…” David muttered to himself, he could feel Angie’s eyes on him, giving him a very motherly, concerned look.

“You have to take risks though.”

There was a long moment of silence as David tried to form a reply in his mind. There was nothing though, he was a blank slate in this moment. He closed his journal, leaving the sketch for later. He finally looked up at Angie, really looking at her for the first time all day. Her dark brown hair was pulled up in a messy bun and she had large, round glasses on today that had bright turquoise frames. The more David looked at her, the more he realized that she looked like a dragonfly today, she had chunky, bright jewelry on her wrists and around her neck. This is really who his therapist was.

He liked her.

“I can try.”

“Okay, good. I’m not trying to push you to do anything that will make you hate me, but if you really want to be happy you need to take risks sometimes.”

The rest of the session was simple enough, David spoke about school and how he felt like he wasn’t being challenged enough at this stage in his education, he wasn’t sure what he was missing. Angie kept hinting that maybe his writing was missing a little bit more of himself, but he didn’t fully understand what that could have meant. At the end of the session, Angie made David promise that he would let her know the next week if anything had changed. He needed to be honest and not evasive.

 

* * *

 

Dinner had just finished and David felt completely full. Again, Linn and Laura have outdone themselves and he can’t really believe that they’re such good cooks. He’s so terrible at it that anyone who can actually cook reads as a god in his head. He hadn’t said much all dinner, he didn’t really know what to talk about. There was too much going on inside his head that he couldn’t vocalize. Laura had stopped trying to engage him in conversation early on in the night after she noticed that he wasn’t responding. He just appreciated their company. He helped them bring the dishes to the kitchen to wash but then slipped out and made himself comfortable on the couch, preoccupying himself with his phone.

Nothing on his phone was engaging enough, he couldn’t seem to keep himself distracted. David eventually ended up on Instagram, scrolling through his feed. There was a picture of Carlos with Avery, his three year old, at the park with flower crowns. There was a second picture in the set with just Avery, the toddler’s hands shoved into the dirt with a wide and wild grin. The caption read “ _just another day at the park_ ”. It was sweet, he clicked on the comments, it was mostly just the old girl crew talking about how precious Avery was and what a good dad Carlos had been. He kept scrolling and saw a picture of Abdi up in a tree with a camera. He was very carefully balanced, laying across a branch. The caption read “ _#tbt to the first attempt at David’s brilliant debut film_ ”, David couldn’t help the grin that pulled at his face. He tapped the post and wrote up a comment, “ _don’t forget your brilliant cinematography debut_ ”.

David kept scrolling, there were posts from Kiki and Mia that he didn’t really care about. There was a post from Leonie, it was a picture of Sara holding a large bouquet of pink flowers, smiling the brightest, happiest smile that David had ever seen. The caption was just a sappy soliloquy about how lucky Leonie felt she was and how she didn’t know what she would do without Sara. David liked the post, continuing on. There was another post from Abdi next, this time it was a photo with the whole boy squad. They looked dressed up, David’s eyes instantly went to Matteo. He was wearing one of his flowing floral shirts, pants that actually _fit_ , and he was smiling brightly.

Matteo still had the most beautiful smile in the world.

The caption from Abdi read “ _Congratulations to Matteo on his app Drip, couldn’t be prouder of you bro_ ”. David frowned in confusion, wondering what the app was. He tapped the picture and then tapped the tag for Matteo’s account. He didn’t go on Instagram enough to see Matteo’s posts, but there were still the same #matteomonday’s and #florenzifriday’s like always. Mixed in though, there were aesthetic posts of a tech start-up, dumb photos of Matteo and the boys, and everything in between. There were also screenshots of an app logo and layout.

“Oh, are you guys back together finally?” Laura spoke from behind David as he was about to click on the logo post. Instead of proceeding normally, David threw his phone from him and hid his face in his hands.

“No!” David exclaimed, peaking in between his fingers to see Laura sit down across from him on the couch. “Don’t you remember? I decided to be a celibate man after Matteo and I broke up.”

“Uh-huh, and how’s that working out for you?”

“I’m still in love with him.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“I don’t know what to do, Laura. I… I’m not a soulmates kind of guy but there’s been signs and I just,” David sighed heavily. “I don’t know how to feel.”

“The string finally came for you, huh?”

“You make it sound like a death sentence.”

“You’re the one who’s acting like it’s a death sentence.”

David wanted to argue with Laura but he didn’t know how he could. He could feel the soulmate lecture already coming, but he didn’t want to hear it. Especially not from Laura, it felt ridiculously hypocritical considering she didn’t believe in fate until she was pulled towards Linn by the thread of fate. He didn’t understand how his logical, level-headed sister could be caught up in the soulmate nonsense.

“How did you know it was going to be Matteo?” David finally spoke after a long silence.

“It just makes sense, you guys really worked well together. The only reason you broke up was because Matteo wanted to make sure he was becoming a better person. He needed the space for it,” Laura shrugged. “I think you both needed room to grow outside of each other, but I think you lapsed the time for growth apart now.”

“When did you become Lady Fate?”

“How do you know I wasn’t always Lady Fate?”

“Because you used to be deeply bitter and thought love was a joke and a lie.”

“Y’know, I don’t appreciate the criticism here.”

“I’m just stating facts?”

Laura grabbed the pillow next to her and threw it at David, while he should have expected it, he didn’t and it slammed him right in the face. He let the pillow fall, wearing a stunned expression now.

“I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

“You better believe it,” Laura laughed. David chucked the pillow right back at her but she managed to catch it before it hit her. He pouted and grabbed the only other couch pillow and threw it at her, this time catching her off guard. “Liiinnn! Linn, save me! He’s bullying me, he’s attacking me, he’s being such a stupid boy!”

Within seconds, Linn was standing on the couch, pillows in her hands before she promptly jumped off. She kissed Laura on the head and disappeared back into the kitchen, leaving Laura with a giddy grin on her face.

“You have to tell me what changed in the whole ‘love is dead, fate isn’t real’ thing, Laura.”

“I’m not sure, I just… Woke up one day and followed the thread and it brought me to Linn and it felt like everything had fallen into place.”

“Like you were complete or something?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“How… How can I be sure then?”

“It’s different for everyone, David. I can’t tell you what you’re supposed to feel.”

David fell quiet, turning his attention to his hands. He stretched out his fingers as far as they could go and he noticed the blue thread around his pinky once more. It was weird, it wasn’t always there, he never noticed when it disappeared or appeared, and he knew it wasn’t _real_. The thread wasn’t tangible because then there would be threads all over the world, weaving a very messy loom of soulmates and love. That didn’t make it any less real though, he was still quite literally bound to Matteo. David looked back to Laura who was spinning a lavender ring on her finger.

“I need to get home and do some homework, I’ll see you tomorrow?” David spoke, his voice quiet. “Also can you… Give me my phone back, I think you’re sitting on it.”

Laura nodded and stood up from her seat, handing David his phone. “Tomorrow’s busy but I’ll text you and let you know, alright?”

“Alright. Thanks for dinner.”

“Anytime, I know you’d starve otherwise.”

“Amira can cook.”

“Was Amira home tonight?”

David stayed silent.

“My point exactly.”

 

* * *

 

On his way home from Linn and Laura’s apartment David played Hozier. Though he was too caught up in his thoughts to really pay attention to the lyrics much, it just drifted through his brain as a lulling backtrack. The soundtrack to his sad romance film. He was thinking back on his and Laura’s conversation about fate. How was she so sure she would just know that he was going to be okay? That he’d _know_ the soulmate feeling when it hit him? He felt exactly the same about Matteo, deeply and fully in love with him. But Laura said things made sense and they fell into place.

Maybe there was something to the whole “soulmate” thing because David had felt that years ago when he first met Matteo. He just wasn’t sure if he was supposed to feel something new now. The universe was telling him flat out that Matteo was his soulmate, that this was the man he was meant to be with for the rest of his life, but something about it felt forced. David hated it.

He watched as the thread bobbed in front of him with his movements, for something that wasn’t tangible it looked incredibly convincing. David wished it could convince him.

As David walked, Hozier played in his headphones, ringing through his brain. He whispered the words to himself, wondering how his spotify knew exactly what to play to really make him go through it emotionally. Hozier sang, “ _and tell me if somehow some of it remained. How long you would wait for me? How long I've been away?_ ” and David noticed the thread begin to glow beside him. He stared up at the clouded night sky, knowing there was nothing out there that would listen to him. “What do you want?” And on cue, as if answering him, the cord tugged at his hand. “Fine, I’ll follow it, this… This is stupid though.”

Before he started to follow, the cord still tugging insistently, he looked around him quickly to make sure no one had just seen him yell at the sky. He felt crazy but he didn’t want other people to actually think he was. He promised himself no more talking to the universe unless he was alone.

At least this time he knew he was being lead to Matteo, which might not be a terrible thing.

There was something that was entrancing about the thread, if he was going to be honest with himself, while he hated what it represented, he understood that it was important to some people. And he understood how other people were so willing to subscribe to what the universe had in store for them, but he just… Couldn’t. If the universe were so understanding, if the universe never messed up with anything, then how come his life had been so hard? Why was it fate that he had to hurt so much to become the person he knew he could be?

David followed the thread blindly, not paying attention to his surroundings once more, and when he found himself outside a familiar gate, he inhaled deeply. Why was Matteo here? It was so late. Carefully, David hauled himself over the gate and hopped down on the other side. The cord kept pulling at his hand, urgently, almost as though if David didn’t hurry up he would miss something important. He followed the familiar old path, the trees were starting to lose their leaves, everything looked a little more worn even though it had only been a couple of years.

As he climbed through the same entrance in the ground, he wondered if this was the sign. His heart had sped up, he felt… Excited. He wanted to know what was happening to him, if Matteo and him would go back to how they were.

David wanted to know if he’d let himself do that.

His footsteps echoed through the building, he didn’t remember it feeling this empty, but he did remember feeling full of love just like all the times before. He walked up a familiar staircase, opened a door, and found the pool again. And there he was, being lit by moonlight that shone through the cracks in the ceiling, cracks that hadn’t been there the last time they had visited. Matteo walked along the lane markers, letting his hands run against them until he couldn’t reach them any longer. David could just watch him like this forever.

The string had other plans though and tugged at David’s hand once more causing David to see the connection between himself and the boy who stood underwater like just a few years ago. He looked the same, but different. Older and wiser, happier. It was so real, why couldn’t he bring himself to believe it?

“Funny running into you here,” David called out as he approached the edge of the empty pool.

Matteo whirled around, his hair flying in every direction. At first there was confusion on his face but it was soon followed by a bright smile, David could have sworn he saw Matteo’s eyes glitter under the moonlight.

“Fancy seeing you here, Mr. Schreibner,” Matteo said, though he was so happy it seemed that his voice almost had a sing-songy lilt to it.

“I don’t think we could meet any other way, Mr. Florenzi,” David laughed. He climbed down the ladder and landed on the tiles with a soft thud.

“And to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Oh, you know, I was just in the area, thought I’d stop by.”

“You know, we’re underwater right now,” Matteo teased.

“Are we now?” David started to walk closer to Matteo, a small grin on his lips. He felt like he was eighteen again, it was wild how deeply he could be affected by one dumb, chaotic boy. He wanted to close the distance between himself and the love of his life. Maybe the closer he got, the more he’d believe. Maybe all David needed as to close the distance.

“Mhm,” Matteo nodded, “that means we can’t breathe.”

“Seems familiar.” He approached where Matteo stood, still illuminated by moonlight, there was only a foot or so between them.

“Why’d you come here?”

“I was missing just kind of… This.” Matteo gestured to himself and then David vaguely.

“This?”

“You. Me. That whole… Thing,” Matteo chuckled softly. “Bet you can’t hold your breath longer than me?” It was so strange, no matter how much they had both grown, Matteo and David still found themselves as teasing kids. David wanted to be romantic, he wanted to play a song that he had never played for Matteo before, he wanted to take the boy in his arms and hold him close as he lead him in a messy, fake waltz to the music. But he didn’t think he could.

There was a lot that was said in what had been left unspoken between them. They needed to talk about what they wanted now, they needed to be honest with each other, David and Matteo needed to figure out who they were together again. The universe may have gotten the idea of “soulmates” down to an exact science, but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be problems. You could have your perfect match and still be broken.

“I think we know who would win,” David teased. There was quiet between the two of them, that was different than the usual silence that overtook many of David’s conversations. He studied Matteo’s face closely, he knew the look there well. Matteo was full of secrets, there was so much that he wanted to say to David but he didn’t think he could. It made David’s heart ache, they were eighteen again and so afraid of each other, unsure of who they were or what they meant to each other.

“When I was in inpatient the only thing I could think about was how I’d actually be able to feel like I was alive once I got out,” Matteo said finally. He had turned away from David and started pacing the bottom of the pool. “I thought that I was going to be alive and then I’d be… I would be able to be the boyfriend you deserved.” There was quiet, David just watched him. Matteo moved like he was underwater, he swayed and drifted, his hair even moved like he was underneath the glassy surface. “I wasn’t though. I didn’t get fixed. I really thought I’d be able to go in broken and come out shiny and new.”

“Matteo, you never needed to be shiny and new, I--” David faltered. _I love you no matter what._ He couldn’t just blurt that out. “You just have to be you.”

“I didn’t feel like me though. At least… When… It’s hard. Because there was a lot that definitely felt like me, and that I can recognize as me but do you remember when I failed my intro to computer science class? And then I just… Stopped caring?” Matteo asked, his voice was choked up. He turned back to face David. His eyes were wet with tears.

The memory came flooding back like it was just the other day, David had been on set after the semester had ended. His professor had invited him, Abdi, and a couple other students to the set of an independent feature film about a young girl’s journey of self-discovery. It had started out as the best day of David’s life and quickly turned to the worst. He was supposed to visit Matteo at his apartment afterwards, he did, using the spare key he had to get in. The day Matteo learned he had failed his intro class, David came back to find Matteo’s phone broken on the floor as well as his computer. There were notebooks that were torn up and David found his boyfriend with bloodshot eyes and a bloody fist, unsure of what to do.

From there, things got worse and David didn’t know how to handle it. He would talk to all of their friends, some would just say _oh that’s just Matteo, he gets like that sometimes_ and _just let him process his feelings however he needs_. The only person who took his concerns seriously were Amira and Jonas.

Then Matteo woke up in the middle of the night one evening in late May and shook David awake just to whisper softly in his ear, _David, I_ need _to get better._

“All I could think about was that I was hurting you.”

“You weren’t though,” David’s own throat was tight now, he didn’t want to cry but he felt like he was close to tears.

“It felt like it.” Matteo took a shaky breath that echoed through the empty space. “When I got out I wanted to see you right away, but I was afraid you didn’t want to see me. And then… Too much time had passed and I felt like I had lost you.”

“So what changed?” David started to walk closer to Matteo again, he saw that his cheeks were wet with tears. David wanted nothing more than to hold Matteo close and tell him that he’d never leave him again, but he wasn’t sure if he could do that. He didn’t know if he would run away again. He felt like he might.

“You showed up at my door.”

“Oh. Wow.”

“Yeah, I… You know I haven’t dated anyone else since… Jonas tried to set me up with someone but I ended up standing him up because it wasn’t… He wasn’t you. And no one could ever be you.”

“I didn’t date anyone else either,” David said, his voice was soft and gentle as he closed the space between the two of them, leaving less than a foot once more.

“Oh."

“Yeah.”

Again, so much could be said in the unspoken between David and Matteo, and this time those unspoken words said that maybe, _maybe_ soulmates were real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I hope y'all enjoy this chapter, this one was a lot of fun to write.
> 
> As always leave comments and kudos! Let me know what you like and what you'd like to see!
> 
> My tumblr is @filmictrans


	3. Shall I Stay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How are things with Matteo?” Abdi asked, giving David a nudge. He looked over and saw another shit eating grin.
> 
> “Christ, does everyone already know?”
> 
> “No, but you weren’t exactly subtle with the internet stalking there.” Abdi’s voice always had a giddy, teasing tone to it. Well meaning dumbass.
> 
> David took a deep breath and looked back to the barista. He held it for a moment, wondering what he should say. He trusted Abdi but he wasn’t sure he trusted himself to talk about any of it. “I’m not sure. We’ve talked a little in the past few weeks, which has been really cool.”
> 
> “Really cool?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to my loves lily, rue, tomás, and everyone else i've thrown snippets of this at in the last week or so while working on this as i've tried to figure out how to write this chapter, hopefully it's not a mess

David had been counting the minutes since he had last seen Matteo. They stayed at the pool way too late, they held hands and David walked Matteo back to his apartment, mostly in quiet, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. There was so much that David had wanted to say but he was better on paper than he was with his voice. Soft goodbye's were whispered between the two of them. As Matteo was turning to go inside David stopped him and pulled Matteo in for a rib crushing hug. His arms were wrapped tightly around Matteo, he could feel the boys soft, shaky breathing against his neck, David rested his chin on Matteo’s shoulder, letting his eyes close.

It was a familiar feeling. It was almost like deja vu. The night before he came out to Matteo, he showed up at his old apartment and they hugged for… God only knows how long. It was a rough night. Another one of those nights where David had so much he wanted to say but no way to vocalize it.

Some memories lived so vividly in his head, he knew they would never leave. 

When Matteo finally pulled himself away from David, he leaned their foreheads together gently and whispered, “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

That was four days and thirteen minutes ago.

As he sat in class he knew that the lecture was lost on him, he’d have to reach out to someone for notes on the theory they were talking about after class let out. Abdi sat next to him but David could see there was nothing on his page either. Though there very rarely was anything on Abdi’s page. He wasn’t a notes kind of guy. 

David looked up to the front, the professor wasn’t really paying attention to the students back where he sat, thankfully. It was Professor Becker as well, and as formal as he was, David knew he was one of Becker’s favorite students. He pulled out his phone carefully and unlocked it. He let it lie flat on the desk, slowly pulling things up with his pointer finger. He had a pencil in his hand still to make the motions his hand was making seem like writing. He didn’t do this often, but he had made sure to master the art of being on the phone during class. Abdi reached across the aisle and poked David’s arm with the end of his pen to get his attention. He looked up to be met with a ‘ _ are you okay, bro? _ ’ look. He just brushed it off, hoping that Abdi understood the ‘ _ I’ll explain later _ ’ he was trying to get across. 

There was a moment where David kept his gaze on the powerpoint, pretending to pay attention. He saw the slide said “Melodrama and Mise-en-Scene” and he rolled his eyes, why did all of his classes feel like review lately? His eyes dropped back to his phone and he opened the app store, typing in “Drip” to the search bar. There it was, free for use, the icon that David had seen plastered on Matteo’s Instagram.

A pale blue, fluid drop of water with the shine of light on the edges, set on a deep gray background that looked as though it rippled. David downloaded the app, reading the description provided in the app store while he waited. Drip was a mental health assistant that would track your mood, send medication reminders, let you know when to eat and drink water, even had physical health reminders for individuals who used the app.

David swiped through the pictures provided, there were examples of what the water reminders looked like, the medication reminder even had a function where you could put the specific med to take, how much you had to take it, and how many doses your most recent bottle had. David swiped through, every picture really captured Matteo’s genius, how important this was to him. What caught David’s eye though was the very last picture before it all looped again, it was an image depicting a physical health reminder. It was a binder timer, the max you could have it set for was 8 hours and there was a function that would remind the user to stretch while wearing it.

“David Schreibner,” a deep voice from the front of the room called out. His head whipped up quickly and he saw Becker staring him dead in the eyes. He swallowed hard.

“Yes?”

“Would you like to join the rest of the class in our discussion about the importance of mise-en-scene in Douglas Sirk’s melodrama films of the 1950’s?  _ I  _ know that the narrative of the films was affected by the cultural implications of the time, but do  _ you _ know that? It might do you good to participate in the discussion seeing that the final project is to mimic the aesthetic and writing style of Sirk for a twenty minute film.” David could have sworn he was about to kicked out of the classroom, or told he wasn’t welcome back, but he saw a glint in the Becker’s eye, able to let out a sigh of relief.

“I’m sorry, sir, it won’t happen again.” 

“It better not, or I’ll fail you for the semester. This class is about professionalism, that is an  _ important _ part of the final grade. Now get to work. You don’t have that much time to create a fully realized piece of work.”

David slumped forward in his desk once Becker’s gaze was off of him. He could feel Abdi’s eyes boring into his head though, he wasn’t willing to pay him any attention. He didn’t participate in the conversation too much. Just contributed when he felt like he had something to say, which wasn’t much honestly. Eventually class was dismissed and David couldn’t have been out of there quicker, he just wanted to disappear into the background of the movie for once, not feel like he was the main character. For some reason, David always felt like he was at the forefront of the story. He hated it. Whether it was because he was trans or because he was in love with his ex-boyfriend or something else, he was always the focus. 

Or maybe he was just over analyzing his life and he really didn’t matter all that much. He would prefer that. 

Abdi came out of the classroom with a sheet of paper and he shoved it against David’s shoulder. “Becker thinks we’d benefit from going to the set of a film in a couple of weeks.” David took the paper, eyes flicking across the page as he barely read what was on it. 

“Just so we can run around and grab coffee for people again?”

“Not this time, we’d be shadowing. I’d be shadowing the D.P. and you’d be shadowing the director,” Abdi explained, pointing to a point on the page that said exactly that. 

David looked at him, eyes wide in disbelief. “Wow, yeah, I mean… Yeah. Yeah, we have to do this, this is awesome.” He looked back down at the paper, reading over the details of the film and the people they’d be working with. The director was another LGBT filmmaker which was great, David always loved to learn from others in the field and get to know their experiences, how it affected their filmmaking, and understanding their point of view. This would be good. It would be amazing. David looked up to see a grinning Abdi, who just looked proud and excited. “You want to celebrate?”

“It’s barely lunch time,” Abdi laughed.

“We can just get coffee, dude, I didn’t mean drinking.” David folded the paper up carefully and put it in his pocket before giving Abdi’s arm a playful punch. 

“Alright, alright, Homebrew?”

“Definitely, employee discount.” As they walked over to Homebrew, David and Abdi talked about all the things they wanted to do on set. They worked together so well and they were hoping that the professionals they were getting to work with would let them have some hands on experience, even if it didn’t get put in the film. When they first started college in the same program they had made a deal that they were film bros for life, they had to support each other, and it had been working really well so far. 

As they walked into Homebrew, they saw they had caught it just before the lunch rush and ordered their food and drinks with ease. David leaned up against the counter and watched as they waited, he didn’t like policing the other baristas but he couldn’t help it sometimes. The person who was on drinks was new and he just wanted to make sure that they were doing okay. 

“How are things with Matteo?” Abdi asked, giving David a nudge. He looked over and saw another shit eating grin.

“Christ, does everyone already know?”

“No, but you weren’t exactly subtle with the internet stalking there.” Abdi’s voice always had a giddy, teasing tone to it. Well meaning dumbass. 

David took a deep breath and looked back to the barista. He held it for a moment, wondering what he should say. He trusted Abdi but he wasn’t sure he trusted himself to talk about any of it. “I’m not sure. We’ve talked a little in the past few weeks, which has been really cool.”

“Really cool?”

“Yeah, I… I don’t know. I’m caught up in my head think.”

“In what way?”

Before David answered, there was a loud “boooyyyss!” that came from the front of the shop. The two looked over and saw a grinning, excited Jonas and right beside him there was Matteo. David felt his heart rate pick up, all that was missing was Carlos now and it’d be a full crew reunion. David couldn’t remember the last time they had all hung out together, he missed it so much. He wondered if things could ever go back to normal like that. Jonas and Matteo walked over and Abdi gave them both the biggest hugs.

“How’re you doing?” Jonas asked, giving David a clap on the shoulder and a gentle shake. David noticed on his ring finger there was a warm, caramel band with flecks of gold. A soulmate ring. David hadn’t pegged Jonas for that kind of guy initially, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Jonas was a mushy romantic, of course he and Hanna would have the rings. “I didn’t get to talk to you the other week, you just rushed out of the apartment so fast.”

“Sorry about that, Laura needed something. Plant emergency,” David muttered, which earned him a look from Matteo. How did he  _ always _ know when he was lying? “I’m good though, uh, Abdi and I got a gig coming up so looking forward to that.”

“Cool, cool, we all need to hang again soon, catch up y’know? Get the crew all in one place,” Jonas said. He was always so light and happy, David admired that. 

“That’d be fun, old school Mario Kart fights and pizza?” Abdi offered.

“Yeah, let’s find when we’re all free!” Jonas looked over to Matteo briefly, “sound good, man?”

Matteo made eye contact with David and there was a silent exchange between them. Both asking if the other would be okay with that. 

“I’d be down.”

“Old school, I like it.” David smiled and nodded. 

Things could go back to normal with time, there was no harm in trying. David missed it all so much, not just Matteo. Though it was a big bonus that this meant that Matteo and him were allowing themselves to be vulnerable again. It was a shock to David that he was allowing himself to be vulnerable again.

* * *

It wasn’t news that David couldn’t cook. He was extremely gifted, he knew this and tried to remind himself of that fact everyday, but he could not cook to save his life. If someone was holding him at gunpoint, saying he’d live if he could boil a pot of pasta properly, then he’d say just kill him there because he couldn’t do it. David messed up the most basic cooking. But it was alright because there was always takeaway. Or if he was living in a particularly blessed day, someone to cook dinner for him. That responsibility usually landed on Amira.

“Alright, so, c’mon, let’s go over the paper concept again,” David said as he sat at the counter. Amira was about to propose her final paper to her department so she could spend the next year writing it. 

“The paper is about legislation that supports all women, working, women of color, disabled, LGBT, and how our policy work is important because women lift up economies and society,” Amira repeated, a speech she already had practiced in her head a hundred times over David guessed. “If we don’t have women supported in our policy and legislation then we end up like America where we’re fighting for our basic rights on a daily basis. Not to say we don’t have to do that here but,” she sighed and looked up at David. “I get lost after this, I feel like I get too passionate.”

“Passionate is good! You have to be passionate because you’re about to spend the whole school year working on one paper,” David said, his tone was confident and firm. He didn’t want Amira to be afraid of what she had to do. 

“You’re right,” Amira took a deep breath. “Legislation that supports women is important because if we don’t support them, our government will start going after the basic human rights of everyone.”

“And your research is going to be about what?”

“About the development of legislation that has gone to supporting women.”

“Perfect. And you have your notes, and your powerpoint, you’re going to be fine, Amira.” She nodded in agreement, though her face was a little less confident than David would like. “What’s up?”

“I think I just need to be distracted right now.”

“Okay, well, tell me about your day.”

“That involves talking about my paper.”

“No talking about our days then.”

“Well you could still tell me about yours.”

“And that’d be a good distraction?”

“Yeah, I’m interested in your life and how you’re doing, David, you’re my friend after all.”

David made a face at her before standing up, starting to pace around the kitchen as Amira continued on dinner. He grabbed plates and utensils from the cabinet, wondering if he should go into the nitty gritty of Matteo asked if he wanted to have dinner tomorrow night and he said yes in seconds. That he had seen Jonas at school and they had talked like nothing had changed. How everything felt so different yet it was still exactly the same.

“Nothing interesting has been going on really, just classes and work, y’know?” David shrugged as he set the plates down on the dining table.

“Don’t lie to me,” Amira teased, as though she already knew something.

“I’ve been talking to Matteo again.”

“How has that been?”

“It’s been,” David paused, wondering if there was a word that could describe how he felt being able to talk to Matteo again. “Wonderful. Yeah, it’s been wonderful.”

“Good. Anything else?”

“He texted me today. We’re going to have dinner tomorrow night.”

“Going on a date already?”

“Not quite.”

“You’re going over there?”

“No, he’s uh… Coming over here.”

“Do you want me to be out of the apartment?”

“I’m not going to kick you out the whole night, I promise.”

“You’re lucky that I already have plans to hang out with the girls tomorrow night.”

* * *

Two years ago, David was sitting on the roof of his apartment building where he had lived with Laura, staring out over the Berlin night sky. He could feel his heart beating so fast he felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. Matteo stood right next to him. They were both silent as the words hung in the air between them. David had just admitted that someday he wanted to marry Matteo. They had never spoken about it before but he had been thinking about it since the day Matteo whispered the words “ _ because I love you _ ” in the bottom of the pool.

When he had said it, Matteo reached out and grabbed his hand, holding it with a vice like grip. David had stopped feeling his fingers a while ago, but he knew this was part of Matteo. Sometimes he needed to be physically grounded to the world and David was almost always the thing that brought him back to Earth. He didn’t mind. He would let Matteo use him as a grounding point forever if he needed.

“You… Want… To marry… Me?” Matteo repeated the words back slowly, David couldn’t look him directly in the eye, but he could see the boys cold breath in the chilly late autumn air. 

“That’s the goal, I think,” David spoke, his voice quiet. He felt like if he spoke any louder it might make him wake up from whatever dream this was, where he was telling a boy,  _ the boy _ , the one he risked everything for, that he planned to marry him.

“Why?” Matteo’s voice was so small, scared. David could tell he thought it was a joke, even though it wasn't. Sure, they were nineteen, but David had made up his mind a long time ago.

“Because you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me,” David said, giving a small shrug of his shoulders. “I can see the rest of my life with you. I didn’t think I’d live past eighteen, and I’m nineteen now. And I’m still struggling  but I can see my whole life ahead of me with you, Matteo.” 

“That’s… Wow,” Matteo’s grip lessened, though he didn’t let go of David’s hand. “I-- I feel bad because I can’t honestly say the same thing but-- I-- I can definitely imagine living with you for a very long time, I guess in that future we’re married too. But we’re both always happy.”

“So you’d say yes?”

“Is this a proposal? Cause if this is the proposal I don’t think I’d say yes.”

“This isn’t the proposal, but, I’d just like to know. You would say yes?”

“Yeah, I’d say yes. The rest of my life is daunting but, the rest of my life with you? That sounds significantly better.” There was a comfortable quiet between the two of them, Matteo hadn’t let go of David’s hand. David was rubbing the thumb across the back of it gently. Matteo took a deep breath, staring at David. “What would our wedding be like?”

“Huh?”

“What would our wedding be like?”

“Oh, god, uh…” David shrugged, his brows knitted together in confusion. He hadn’t gotten that fair honestly, he wasn’t sure Matteo even wanted to marry him so he didn’t want to think about it. “Would you want a big ceremony or like, I mean-- I don’t know, honestly. I’ve never thought about the  _ wedding _ part of weddings.”

“I have,” Matteo admitted, his cheeks where pink. David couldn’t tell if it was from the cold of the night or if it was because he was embarrassed.

“You’re surprised by the question but you’ve thought about what our wedding would be like?” David asked, biting back a big grin.

“Yep.”

“Care to tell me?”

“Mmm, maybe later. I think I have to keep it to myself for just a bit longer.” Matteo was smirking. He could so easily shift from shy to absolute cocky asshole and David thought it was the cutest thing. Sometimes he was so reserved, but when Matteo was confident and in the moment, David felt like he knew exactly what happy meant. 

* * *

Finally Wednesday had come and David was extremely antsy. He came home from school early, he cleaned up his room even, he tried to keep himself occupied but couldn’t seem too. Matteo was coming over for dinner, they were just going to hang out and talk about things. David didn’t know what things. Maybe David would be confident enough to bring up their relationship, though he prayed that Matteo would do it instead. He also had no clue what he would say if Matteo did. He was constantly at war with himself, he could never seem to let himself be happy. It was something Angie and Laura always gave him a hard time about but there was something extremely terrifying about happiness.

Being happy meant he had to keep trying to be happy, David wasn’t sure he had that in him though.

David sat on his couch, staring at his door, waiting to hear the buzzer. The apartment was completely silent. Amira was out with the girls, David didn’t have any music playing (which was completely unlike him, he hated silence), he wasn’t even sure he had  _ moved _ in the last half hour. He didn’t want to make Matteo wait a second, which… Was weird. If soulmates were real, time shouldn’t matter, they had eternity, or whatever, and would find each other again and again. But he couldn’t even entertain the idea of making Matteo wait.

It felt like an eternity waiting for Matteo, but David didn’t mind, he would wait as long as he needed too if it meant he’d have him. When his buzzer did ring, he all but leapt halfway across his living room. He pressed the button, “uh, hello?” He froze and briefly thought it might be someone else other than Matteo.

“It’s Matteo.” David felt his muscles relax. He pressed the button let Matteo up and leaned against his wall for support as he waited. It wasn’t everyday that you reconnected with the love of your life after all, maybe this would be the perfect time. Maybe David could push past his own bullshit and let himself love Matteo, unabashedly, with his whole being. He wasn’t embarrassed of Matteo, he was just embarrassed of himself. 

There was a soft knock on his door and he opened it a little too eagerly. On the other side of the threshold stood the most perfect man in the whole world, Matteo Florenzi. He was out of breath with an armful of groceries.

“Are we making a feast?”

“We? Can you finally cook?” Matteo asked, grinning over the paper bag. David felt his cheeks grow warm and he was sure they were somehow pinker than they were before.

“I can’t.”

“Alright, then you’re just going to sit off to the side and look handsome while I make you dinner.” Matteo slid by David with ease, a look on his face like he knew exactly where he was going but Amira and David had only been living together for a year. Had Matteo been over without his knowledge? Before he could allow his thoughts to spiral too much, Matteo turned back to him and laughed awkwardly, “which way to the kitchen? That was smoother in my head and then I realized I don’t really know your place.”

David chuckled and brushed by Matteo gently in a  _ I’m glad you’re here  _ way, gesturing for Matteo to follow him. He sat down at the counter and let Matteo get to work. He pulled out a bunch of different ingredients from the bag, there were veggies and noodles, he had brought olive oil and butter and a bunch of other things that David knew he could identify but he didn’t really understand how all the separate parts were going to make a whole dish. He trusted Matteo to cook though, he never messed it up. 

“How’s your week been so far?” Matteo asked, washing his hands. He was always straight to the point with cooking, no pausing or waiting.

“It’s been alright, I mean, we saw each other Monday and it’s Wednesday so not much has really happened since I last saw you,” David shrugged. “How’s your week been?”

“I think I’m okay, been going through a whirlwind of feelings but I’m better now that I get to hang out with you for a little while.” Matteo smiled over at David before he focused in on the task in front of him. 

“That’s pretty gay, Matteo,” David grinned. He saw Matteo’s face grow pink and he couldn’t help but laugh to himself. He was so easy to fluster sometimes, David was glad that hadn’t changed.

“Well, I’m pretty gay, David.”

There was quiet again as Matteo worked, the only sound in the kitchen was the knife hitting the cutting board while Matteo cut up vegetables. David pulled out his phone and flipped through a couple of playlists before he settled on the “All I Ever Wanted” playlist. Life felt like it had been getting back on track and David was trying to push down the voice in his head that was screaming how fate wasn’t real. He pressed shuffle on the playlist, the first song to come on was Take Me to Church, something David had shared with Matteo way before they thought any of this would happen.

When David was afraid and Matteo was already showing he was all in.

“So…” David started, drawing out the word slowly, like he was testing the waters. He wanted to be sure he wanted to start this conversation. Matteo looked up from the vegetables, which he had finished cutting, waiting for David to continue. “The string.” He laughed softly and looked down, he couldn’t look at Matteo right now. “Why do you think it appeared?”

Matteo took a deep breath and moved from the counter to the stove. He found a pan with ease, he was so comfortable in the kitchen, and poured oil as he waited for it to heat up. “Well, I think…” He took a deep breath and let it out through his nose. David looked back up at him, to see if he could read the look on Matteo’s face. He looked pained, but happy. “I think we needed a kick in the ass, I guess.”

“You believe in fate then?”

“Haven’t we had this conversation before?”

“Indulge me.”

“Alright,” Matteo shook his head, a small grin on his lips. Okay, okay, this wasn’t going terribly. It was a harmless conversation after all. He watched as Matteo dumped the veggies into the pan. “Yeah, I believe in fate. Which… Is terrible. Because I don’t think all of these awful things should happen but y’know, at least with the idea of fate like, it’s comfortable. You know it all happens for a reason.”

“Okay, and what’s that reason?”

“I don’t know. I just know that it makes me feel a little better. And I don’t put too much of me in it, but it’s comfortable. And you know it’s real, because there’s Jonas and Hanna… Sara and Leonie… There’s so many real cases of it, everyone knows the stories and some are extremely remarkable. Others are deeply painful and they hurt so much but,” Matteo stopped talking for a moment. David saw his Adam’s apple bob slightly.

“But?” David didn’t want to push but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to know, he needed too. They had a fate conversation before, a long time ago. They were always on opposing ends of this idea, but it never caused a rift. They just had different believes that pushed them through the day.

“It means that you won’t be alone forever.”

Quiet took the kitchen again, the only sounds now were the stove with the vegetables sizzling on top and the pot of water Matteo had put on finally coming to a boil. They still weren’t looking at each other, Matteo had busied his eyes with the cooking.

“What about you? Has anything changed?”

David shook his head, even though he wasn’t sure Matteo could see it. “I’m still having a hard time with it,” he admitted, it was so hard to push the words out. He didn’t know why he felt like this, he hated that he couldn’t just let himself believe in fate like everyone else seemed too. The idea of his own destiny that he could write was too appealing.

“Why?”

“I think I’m still scared of it. Like the no free will? No choice? That’s terrifying, that all of this was predetermined.”

“I think you’re missing the point of it.”

“Am I really?” David finally looked up at Matteo, tilting his head in confusion. He didn’t know what he could be missing. Fate, in David’s mind, was a very clean cut, straightforward concept. There was a path to follow that had been laid out long before anyone was born, it was the plan of existence.

“Yeah, I think so. Fate isn’t about predetermined and no free will it just means that some things are meant to be. That our choices have consequences, bad and good, and things are constantly changing.”

“Don’t soulmates mean predetermined by the universe though?”

“I guess, but sometimes maybe it’s just… The universe’s way of telling you that you made the right choice, y’know?”

David stood up from the counter and circled around it, setting himself next to Matteo. He reached out carefully, taking Matteo’s free hand in his own and lacing their fingers together. It was half hand holding because Matteo was still trying to cook, but it brought a small smile to the boys face. They let the playlist run and stood in quiet together. Every so often, Matteo would have to let go of David’s hand to deal with a the pasta or the veggies or to put the bread in the oven, but he always went right back to him, never wanting to let go for too long. 

When dinner was finished cooking, they sat at the small dining table in David’s kitchen. They made small, less heavy hearted conversation while they ate. David admitted he downloaded drip, Matteo said he added the binder health part because he remembered David would always push himself too far with it. It brought a blush to David’s cheeks and he couldn’t look at Matteo. He was still so thoughtful, even when they were apart.

Once they had finished eating, Matteo sat at the counter while David washed dishes. The playlist had gone through a whole host of feelings over the course of the night, from happy to sad to pining to anything else. It was a mishmash of what made David, what made Matteo, and what made them together. David set the last dish on the rack before wiping off his hands with a towel. He leaned over the counter onto his elbows, getting up into Matteo’s face, leaving no more than a few inches between them.

“Can I show you something?” He asked, his voice shook slightly. He was trying so hard to be the cool, confident, mysterious guy that Matteo had fallen in love with. David hoped to recreate the moments that made them fall into their old ways, but this time as new, better people. 

“Is it another abandoned pool?” Matteo teased.

“No, something a little closer to home.”

Matteo gave him a confused look causing David to roll his eyes and tug at his arm gently. “C’mon, it’ll be fun. Where’s your sense of adventure, Mr. Florenzi?”

“You’re lucky I love you, Mr. Schreibner.” Matteo’s words were barely whispered, just like the first time he had said it in the pool. 

David swore his heart had stopped for a moment, he bit back a grin. 

“What did you say?”

“You heard me.”

“Say it again.” 

“You’re lucky I love you.” 

“I definitely am.”

With that David pulled Matteo from his seat and practically dragged him out of his apartment. Instead of going down the stairs, he lead Matteo up and up and up until they got to the top flight. David felt his heart beating fast with excitement, he looked back to Matteo who was leaning against the banister, out of breath and shaking his head. 

“Okay, I’m still not athletic like you,” Matteo gasped out. 

“You’re still extremely whiny I see.”

“Some things you never grow out of.”

David laughed, grabbing Matteo’s hand again, pushing open the door in front of them. He lead Matteo out onto the roof of his building, a dangerous terrain of ropes, cables, and some paint buckets. There was a loose fence on one end, and the start of a fire escape on the other side of the building. Laid out before the two was the city at night. Berlin’s glittering lights that bounced off of the world around. This was David’s favorite place in the world, it was the one place he could go where he knew he could be alone with his thoughts, where he could work through all of his problems. Of course other people in the building had access to it but he felt like it was his own. 

Matteo dropped his hand and walked up to the gate, David followed close behind. He watched as Matteo’s hands wrapped around the top of the fence, fingers clutching tightly at the cool metal. 

“David, this is,” Matteo trailed off before looking back to him. The city lights made Matteo’s blue eyes sparkle, there was hope and love in them that David knew well. He cringed at his own thoughts. This was so coming of age but he couldn't help it. “It’s beautiful up here.”

“Yeah, I uh,” David looked out over the city. His mind wandered, thinking back to the night just like this one where he had told Matteo he wanted to marry him. He looked back to Matteo. “I’m going to be honest I’m still really struggling with the whole fate thing,  _ but _ I’m going to try my hardest to be the guy you deserve.”

“You never had to try hard to do that,” Matteo whispered, he let go of the fence and took David’s hands in his own. Their fingers intertwined and both of them gripped tightly onto the other, like a lifeline. 

“Trust me, I did,” he whispered back. Matteo leaned his forehead against David’s, their noses brushing together gently. David could hear the shakiness in Matteo’s breathing, he was sure Matteo could hear how he shook as well. He would play it off if Matteo asked, saying that it was cold out tonight and he left his coat downstairs. He leaned in carefully, letting their lips touch just barely, he was nervous. This was so much more nerve wracking than their first kiss. David lacked the confidence he had as an eighteen year old, because there was a history now. There was something to lose that he never had to lose before. Matteo pressed into the kiss gently though, making all of David’s worries wash away. 

He was about to kiss him again when an obnoxious ringtone came from Matteo’s pocket. They both sighed and pulled apart, but only enough for Matteo to answer the phone. David could hear Jonas speaking quickly on the other end, he only caught a few words here and there though. 

“Jonas, Jonas, calm down, you didn’t ruin your dinner for Hanna,” Matteo rolled his eyes, looking at David with an apologetic face. “Do you seriously want me to come back to the apartment just-- okay, okay. God, you’re so needy.” Matteo paused briefly. “Yes, you are my best friend, and yes, I owe you, fine.” With that, Matteo hung up the phone and sighed again. “I have to go.

“Are you sure?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“I’ll see you soon?”

“Of course. Whenever you’ll have me, I’ll be there.” Matteo leaned in and stole another kiss from David, this one more passionate than their first. The kiss held a promise that David knew Matteo wouldn’t break. He pulled away and started to walk back towards the door, before turning around and smirking at David. “I won.” And with that, Matteo was gone, leaving David on the roof to think about what was to come next. 

* * *

The next morning David woke up ridiculously early, which he didn’t like. On his one day off, no class, no work, nothing, he wanted to be able to sleep in but of course he couldn’t. He had been up the whole night thinking about Matteo, unable to stop feeling him against his lips, remembering how good everything used to be, thinking about how great they would be again.

But he was up early now, tired and a little bitter with his over excited brain, when he knew that there was still that monster of fear in the back yelling at him to run away, to get out and to leave everything behind. Start new because the universe couldn’t tell him what to do. He pushed the thoughts down, getting out of bed before they had time to sit in his brain and he let the whole day get away from him. 

David still couldn’t go on runs or workout, which was his normal go-to when he couldn’t sleep, but he could still go on walks. He didn’t do much to change, just pulled on a different pair of sweatpants and a sweater. He made sure to grab his headphones, keys, and wallet and as he left he saw Amira asleep on the couch with her laptop next to her. He stopped short, grabbing the blanket they kept on the couch for just this occasion and threw it over her gently, making sure she was covered. After that he left and just started walking, not really paying attention. 

As he walked, he saw the thread appear again, bright and blue and glowing. He had just seen Matteo last night, but he guessed that if the thread was appearing it was for an important reason. He wondered if the thread had ever shown up for Matteo before it had shown up for him, what was the logic of it just randomly appearing, and in the back of his head, if he was just going crazy and Matteo was indulging it because he missed David.

Like every other time with the thread, David was just watching it as he walked, making sure he was following it closely. Though that entirely had to do with the fact that when David chose to ignore the thread, it liked to knock him over and pull at him until he listened. Because he wasn’t paying attention to the world around him he slammed into another body, stumbling anyway. 

“I’m so, so sorry,” he said quickly, taking off his headphones and looking up at the person he had run into to give a proper apology. He was met with a familiar, warm smile, a smile that said Matteo but it was on a woman. He couldn’t place the face. He looked around him and saw he was in a small, old neighborhood in Berlin. How far had he walked? Before either of them could speak again there was a voice not too far behind them that broke the brief silence.

“Mama, do you have the grocery bags?” David could recognize that voice anywhere. His chest tightened and he felt panic set in. He didn’t expect this next part so soon. 

“Yes, sweetheart!” She called back before turning her attention to David once again. “It’s lovely to see you again.”

“Ms. Florenzi, wow, hi. I’m so sorry. Again. I was just lost in my own thoughts.”

“I understand,” her voice was always so gentle and kind, she was filled with a warmth that somehow to fill every person who was near her. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been well,” David said, swallowing hard. He didn’t know if he should stay or go, what he should do. The thread led him here for a reason, right? So why did he feel like he was about to die all of a sudden? Before she could reply, Matteo walked up beside his mom, opening his mouth to speak but then seeing David and sinking back into himself.

“I didn’t know David was coming along today, dear,” Ms. Florenzi said as she pulled Matteo into her side, hugging her son close to her. David watched as Matteo hugged her back, shrugging noncommittally. 

“Uh, I think…” Matteo looked up at the sky, like he would see what he wanted to say written in the clouds. David briefly looked up as well before looking down and seeing the thread glowing so brightly it felt like looking at the sun. “Mama, David is… My soulmate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this latest chapter took so long to write. Life has been a whirlwind lately and I'm trying to regain my bearings on the world, I just moved so things are happening really quickly! 
> 
> This chapter was also extremely difficult to write, it's been really interesting working on a soulmate au as someone who also does not believe in fate whatsoever. Navigating the intricacies of understanding and knowing what fate could mean to people has been really interesting to figure out though.
> 
> Let me know if you enjoyed the chapter, comments and kudos are always appreciated! Hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner than this one came out.


	4. Would It Be a Sin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Have you found your soulmate yet?”
> 
> “I have.”
> 
> David didn’t have to look over to see that both Jonas and Hann were looking at him expectantly. He just opened the new bottle and busied himself with drinking it.
> 
> “And have you guys started… Seeing each other?” The tone of Jonas’ voice was so desperate for information, for David to talk to him like nothing had changed. A lot had changed though and they both knew that, they weren’t in high school anymore. He wasn’t about to tell Jonas that he was still in love with Matteo as much as he trusted him, Matteo and David being soulmates wasn’t exactly any of Jonas’ business (right now).
> 
> “We’re figuring it out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Depression/Depressive episode discussion, transphobia, unaccepting parents, The Vaguest Hint Of Spice
> 
> This chapter hits a lot harder notes than I had anticipated it too in the first place and I did my best to handle the topics with care. As a trans, mentally ill writer I want to be able to put aspects of these problems into my writing but I can also admit that I may not be the best at writing them sometimes. If you have concerns, please feel free to bring them up with me <3 
> 
> ALSO: This chapter is for my love Lily <3  
> Highkey because she's had to deal w/ me yelling abt the outline of this to her so many times already, this chapter in particular and the whole thing so Yknow. 
> 
> And shoutout to anyone who's had to deal w/ me dropping snippets of this on them at random intervals

When Matteo initially woke David up in the middle of the night to say that he wanted to get better, David was unsure of what that meant. They didn’t talk about it for a couple days after it happened either. Matteo had acted as though nothing had happened and David didn’t know how to bring it up, it was the first time in a long time where David felt like he couldn’t talk to his boyfriend. The words played on repeat in his head “David, I want to get better, I need to get better”, over and over and over. David had gone right to Matteo’s after work one day, his cheeks were pink from the cold December air and he just wanted to hide under the covers, maybe they’d watch a movie and order in, or play Mario Kart. Keep warm and close.

He stepped through the threshold and set his bag down and started stripping down his layers to let the warm air within the apartment hit his body. “Matteo!” He called out, “I’m home!” There wasn’t a verbal response, but there was a noise of approval that came from the living room. David walked in and saw Matteo on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and wearing a trademark grandpa sweater. He was playing Breath of the Wild, his eyes unmoving from the T.V. until David came into his field of vision. He paused the game and reached out, pulling David onto his lap and burying his face in David’s shirt.

David could feel him shaking, despite being so cozy and he knew immediately something was wrong. He settled into the couch, carefully so that he didn’t elbow Matteo or move in a way that would hurt him.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing, just can’t beat this monster.”

“Really? You’re shaking, and you’ve played this game like, at least twenty times over. What’s the truth, Matteo?” David’s voice was soft but still worried, he had a feeling that what was about to come was going to hurt, he knew what it was, he didn’t want it though.

Matteo inhaled deeply, letting his head fall back. The soft orchestral music and nature sound effects from the video game provided sound to break the absolute silence. There was always kindness and joy that was spoken in the silence between the two of them, but not today.

“I need to get better, David,” Matteo repeated the words from a week ago. His eyes were watering.

“Okay. How do you want to do this?”

“I need to go away for a while, I think, I did some research into an in-patient facility but I--” Matteo still wasn’t looking at David. “I don’t want you to wait for me.”

“It wouldn’t be waiting for you, Matteo.”

Matteo’s hand grabbed David’s and held on tightly, a grounding point like so many times before.

“Okay, uh, god, this feels so selfish, I don’t want to feel like I’m making you wait for me.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I think we should break up.”

“ _Oh._ ”

“Not permanently. Not forever.” Matteo quickly added, his grip on David’s hand somehow getting stronger. “I-- We’ve talked about this so many times, you’re the only person for me. But just… While I’m away I don’t want to feel like I made you put your life on hold or anything cause I don’t think that will help me get better. And I don’t know how long I’m going to be there, but the minimum stay is a month...”

It took a moment for the information to process, David looked between Matteo and the TV, down at their hands, wishing that everything could stay the same. But this was for Matteo after all, there was nothing more important than self-care and if he felt this would help, then David would do whatever he wanted.

“Okay. Yeah, we can do that. Let’s do that.”

“You’re okay with this?”

“I’d do anything to make sure you were happy.”

“Even eat another one of those nasty whipped cream sandwiches?”

“Those… Were really not bad actually,” David admitted sheepishly which earned him a look of disgust.

Matteo laughed and shoved David’s face gently with his hand, “how have we been dating for almost two years and you still have no taste?”

“You’re right, I don’t have any since I’m with you.”

“I guess I don’t have any taste either since I’m with you.”

There was a pause, David rubbed the back of Matteo’s hand with his thumb. Matteo still wasn’t looking at him, his eyes were trained on the ceiling and he was still holding back tears, unwilling to let them fall. He was strong, but more than that he was spiteful and didn’t want to appear weak, even if he was just with David.

“Tell me about the place you looked into.”

“It’s nice, it’s uh… It’s out in the country, they’d let me bring the Switch which was the one thing I really like, yeah, you know. Comfort games.”

“That’s good,” David smiled and leaned in to kiss Matteo’s cheek before stopping short. The other finally stopped looking up at the ceiling and turned to face him. His eyes were still watery, a little bloodshot, but he was smiling, something David hadn’t noticed. “Uh, are we broken up _now_ or do we still have some time?”

“We’ve got time, their next availability isn’t for a month or so… So if you’re okay with it, I… I don’t know, I guess it’d be nice for a little while to keep… Us.”

“For a month,” David echoed, “so you’d be missing this next semester?”

“Yeah.” Matteo leaned in and gave David’s nose a gentle kiss.

“Alright, good.”

“Good?”

“I just want you to take care of yourself, dumbass.”

“Mmm, alright.” Matteo’s grip on his hand loosened a bit, allowing David to stretch his fingers. Even though so much had changed for them in this moment, David wanted nothing more than to stay there with Matteo for as long as he could. “I’m sorry, by the way..”

“Sorry for what?”

“For doing this to you. You don’t deserve this.”

“You do know that love isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, right?”

“Isn’t that what being gay is about though?”

David just laughed, shaking his head. He reached up and cupped Matteo’s face gently and pulled it close to his own. “No, not that either.” He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, “so we’re going to have a good winter break before you go?”

“Yeah. Do you still want to go to my mom’s for Christmas dinner?”

“Of course. I have gifts for her anyway, should probably give them to her before we…” Matteo trailed off, David knew immediately that his mind got caught up in the idea of having to break up. Everything in him wanted to argue and say that they could stay together for as long as Matteo wanted, he was ready to propose right there but he couldn’t.

“That’s a future Matteo and David problem, alright? We’re here, _right now_ ,” David whispered, giving Matteo’s hand a tight squeeze, reassuring them both that they were alive and this was real. And that it was fine too. Before they were together, neither boy was particularly tactile but ever since they had been inseparable. Matteo mentioned over and over how David grounded him.

Matteo gave a small nod and picked up one side of the switch controller. “Do you want to try that thing again where I control one side of Link’s functions and you do the other?”

“Last time we did that you almost threw the controller out the window.”

“Good thing I don’t have the same energy as I did that time.”

“Let’s do it then.”

“Let’s.”

* * *

It was Tuesday morning and David sat in the waiting room of his therapists office. Part of him wanted to skip out and leave, texting Angie a terrible “lol sorry got sick”, but he knew she wouldn’t buy that. He didn’t feel like talking through his problems today. After dinner with Matteo, David’s mind had been complete chaos. He slept and his dreams were just memories of the first time him and Matteo dated, his mind was occupied constantly with the concept of fate, he couldn’t get it out, and he knew it went much deeper than soulmates. David had a problem that he didn’t want to talk about.

But that’s what therapy was for at least.

An indeterminate amount of time had passed before Angie poked her head out of the door, a bright smile on her face. “David, you ready?”

He just nodded, getting up and following her back to her private office. The set-up was the same as usual, though this week there was the new addition of a little zen garden on the table next to the loveseat. David considered playing with it as he sat down, but he opted for his sketchbook again.

“How’re you doing this week?” Angie asked, her voice was kind as ever, making David’s chest tighten. He didn’t think he’d be able to deal with any variety of kindness, he was too frustrated with himself to feel like he deserved it.

“I’m not doing great, Angie,” David admitted, shrugging his shoulders as he flipped through his sketchbook to find a blank page.

It was his newest sketchbook, he had started it over the summer about a month before he had gotten top surgery. For the first thirty or so pages, every sketch leading up to the big day had a binder in it, or it had chests and top surgery scars, flowers growing on skin and enveloping soft, loved bodies. There were a few drawings of two young men, laying together in bed, sketchy and quick with tender kisses being exchanged and vines entangling limbs. The last couple weeks were drawings of the string. That stupid, terrible string.

“Why aren’t you doing great?”

“I think fate made a mistake.”

“Why do you think that?”

David flipped by a drawing of himself and Matteo, the thread hanging light in the air between them, but it wasn’t smooth, there were big knots that provided big dips in the thread, showing how much distance there was left to cross. “I’m not good enough for Matteo.”

“That’s not true, what’s put that idea in your head?”

“The universe gave me this… Dumb, disaster, beautiful man to love and I might be too afraid to love him back the way he deserves. I’m too antsy and I’m not really outspoken, I can’t be proud of the fact that I’m in love.”

“David, you need to stop thinking so low of yourself. You’re a wonderful young man, with so much to give the world,” Angie spoke softly. She was always so insistent that David saw the best in himself, even when he couldn’t manage to do it. “Why are you so afraid of fate? What about it makes you want to run away?”

He finally found a blank page, no smudge marks or crinkles or anything from other drawings. A clean slate for the morning. He didn’t respond to Angie though, instead of just staring at the white page, wondering what he would draw. He settled his hand against the page and started to draw a figure that vaguely looked like himself, if he squinted at least.

“We’ve talked about this, you can’t just sit here for an hour in silence.”

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“Okay, let’s not talk about Matteo this week then.” Angie tapped her clipboard with the end of her pen lightly but David kept his attention on the page in front of him. “Is there anything else hard off limits?”

“Only Matteo.”

“Alright, then let’s talk about fate in general. Why do you have such a problem with it, David? I’ve never seen a fear this deep in you before, which… Doesn’t make sense because you’re such a proud and confident young man.”

“I’m depressed, Angie.”

“I’m aware. That’s why we’re here every Tuesday.”

David sighed, shutting the sketchbook as he shifted his focus to her. “Okay, so what do you think would be good to talk about then?”

“I’ll give you options, but I’m not going to force a conversation you’re not going to participate in.”

“Alright, what’re the options then?”

“We talk about fate, or we talk about your parents.”

“You really want me to cry today, huh?”

“What’s it going to be, David?”

“Let’s… Ugh, I guess let’s talk about fate. Just don’t pull Matteo into it.”

Angie just nodded, wanting to David to continue. He didn’t really know where to start, he just knew he was afraid. He was scared and he wanted to hide from Matteo and Laura and Amira and literally everyone. He wanted to hide from himself honestly because he was scared of what was to come with no clue why. He had never been confident in the fact that he was going to live a long, happy life, even when he had been with Matteo there was something that always nagged that he was faking it. It was all just a ruse and that it would be done soon.

“I don’t think I deserve to be happy because I’m afraid of being happy, and the universe being like ‘hey here’s the cure to the sad’ is… Wild and terrible.”

“Is that how you see love?”

“I mean not necessarily, but that’s how people act about it. Like it’s this perfect, magical thing that doesn’t take effort or any amount of work. That you just fall in love and that’s it.”

“But you know it’s not a magical fix, and so do many of the people in your life, you’ve surrounded yourself with very intelligent people that all know that love is hard work. And you’re pretty smart yourself. These things are work, and again, something we touch on every week, recovery isn’t linear. It takes time.”

David slumped back into the couch, he wanted nothing more than to sink into the surface, become one with the scratchy upholstery. It might be easier to be a couch in a therapist's office than a real human being that deal with his problems and worked through his traumas. He could feel Angie’s eyes on him but he didn’t make eye contact with her, just letting his eyes shut tightly. Maybe he could imagine himself disappearing at the very least.

“Why is it supposed to be our backbone though? Like, why do we have to have love to feel support, Angie? And why does it suck when it gets taken away?”

“Laura cares about you deeply, so do Linn and Amira, or they wouldn’t have helped you as much as they did during your recovery from top surgery. And Abdi and you work great together on films. You have so much love in your life.”

“But I still manage to lose it. There’s nothing that says I’m not going to lose them as well. I’m not permanent in people’s lives, eventually they grow out of me and I’m just an afterthought.”

“Where is this coming from?”

“I… I don’t know, I guess I’m just… Not processing things as well as I used too.”

“You mean you can’t bottle them up as well?”

“I guess so.”  

“Why do you want to keep everything inside?”

“It just feels easier, people don’t have to deal with my problems, they’re just mine to deal with. My ideas and concepts and the way I feel about things, how everything comes out is mine to handle.”

“You’re allowed to lean on others for support, David.”

“I already burdened enough people though.”

“And how did you do that?”

“The whole trans thing? I’m… Laura doesn’t talk to our parents anymore because of me, she hasn’t spoken to them in almost eight years because of everything that happened. People are going to start realizing that this is all just a joke, that I’m not worth the effort they put in to me, because I’m not.”

“When you came out?”

“Mhm. Didn’t I already go over this?”

“Actually, I think this is the first time we’ve spoken about your coming out. We don’t have to proceed if you don’t want too.”

David stayed quiet for a while, he was unmoving, praying that he could just fade from existence.

“It’s fine, I guess. I just… When I came out, they didn’t really react. They treated it like they had when I came out as pansexual, relatively comfortable and fine.” David took a deep breath before continuing. He adjusted how he sat, making himself sit up straighter and he forced his eyes open, but he didn’t look over at Angie. He hated looking at people while he talked about his coming out. “Then I told them I wanted to go see a gender therapist, and they didn’t really react, and then Laura took me when she was home. We had planned it to line up with one of her visits and then… Everything sort of happened really quickly, there was a letter in the mail from the clinic Laura took me too, I had a big fight with my mom and dad and then… I was gone.”

He took another deep breath, feeling it come in shaky. He let it out slowly and focused on his hands which were also shaking and his right leg was bouncing. “I had left because they told me I could go through with it, or I could be fed, clothed, etcetera because of them and I uh, I chose to be happy. I guess. Though it doesn’t really feel like I’ve been happy so much as it feels like I’ve been forced to try and stay afloat alone.”

“But like you said, you have Laura.”

“And one day she’ll get sick of caring for me and angry that I made her lose our parents.”

“They were fine with the LGB stuff but not the trans stuff then?”

“Yeah, guess it was something just a little too out of their reach, old school or something.”

“Have they tried reaching out?”

“My mom did about a year ago, but I ignored her.”

“David,” Angie’s tone was warning. “If you don’t let people in you’re going to end up very sad and very alone and I don’t know if I’ll be able to help you once you get there.”

“I don’t know what to do, I feel like I can’t stop from self-destructing.”

“This is just something that’s going to take a while to work on, but that doesn’t mean there’s no hope, David. We just have to put the work in. I will if you will.”

“I will.”

* * *

David said bye to Angie, they scheduled their next meeting in the little binder, she made him put it down in his phone and write it into his physical calendar as well before letting him leave. She was going on vacation with her family for a week so things had to be shuffled around a bit, he was fine with that. He just wished that she wasn’t so… On him sometimes. He needed the space. But he also understood, if she wasn’t, especially right now where he was extremely wishy-washy and inconsistent, he wouldn’t go back to therapy until he got particularly bad. He left the office, weaving his way through the lobby of the building until he got outside, where he saw Amira waiting for him with an iced coffee. He smiled gratefully, giving her a hug.

“You’re a queen,” he said before taking a big sip.  “Thank you so much, I was losing my mind.”

“How many times are you going to start the day without coffee? Caffeine withdrawal isn’t cute on you, David.”

“Look, I…” He wanted to retort but there was nothing he could think of. He had a caffeine problem. He decided to divert the conversation from himself. “How’re things with Mohammed?”

“What do you mean?” Amira looked at him, feigning confusion but David knew better than that. She had been hanging out with him lately, more and more, even to the point where Amira lied last week when she had ‘gone out with the girls’, she was actually out with Mohammed. He had seen a post from him on Instagram that Amira had gotten tagged in.

“I just know you had gone out with him last Wednesday,” David hummed, giving her a gentle nudge as they walked away from his therapists office, allowing David to distance himself from his problems. At least for a while.

“Okay, fine, maybe I lied a little bit,” Amira’s voice was a little bit higher than it usually was, David had come to be familiar with that indicating that the level of her anxiety had increased. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders carefully and pulled her into his side while they walked.

“Tell me about the date,” he hummed.

“It was beautiful,” she sounded like she had let out a breath she had been holding in. “We went to go see a movie, it was some dumb romantic comedy, then afterwards we got ice cream and we walked and talked and lost track of time.”

“Sounds wonderful.”

“Yeah, it really was. I think there might really be something there, David. Spending time with him didn’t require any effort, it felt so natural and safe.”

“It’s like that? Do you think you guys are soulmates?”

“No thread yet, but… I don’t think I would care if we weren’t. I just like being with him. It makes sense.”

“That’s really, really cool actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean-- you know me, I think fate and destiny and all that is an absolute disaster and I can’t believe the universe tries to convince us it’s real.”

“I don’t think it’s necessarily about fate though, and soulmates are…” Amira rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. I just know Mohammed makes me happy, he makes me look at the world in a different light, like… Somehow things feel lighter, they’re more positive. I’ve got more hope.”

“That’s really beautiful, Amira.”

“I’m not trying to wax poetic, I’m just being honest. It’s about the person and how you feel, not about what anyone else says.”

As he was about to answer he felt his phone buzz in his jacket pocket and he paused, coming to a halt so he could check the message. He would usually keep going but since one arm was preoccupied with Amira and the other with coffee, he was a little tied up.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just got a text.    


**Matteo** **  
** _Hey, whatcha up to?_

 

 **David**  
_Not much, going grocery shopping with Amira._

 

 **Matteo  
** _Fun, fun. Is she teaching you how to cook?_

 

 **David**  
_Haha :P No  
_ _I just help with the shopping and then I do the dishes._

 

 **Matteo  
** _Lol_ _  
_ _Jonas and i are having a party friday night, feel free to stop bye <3 _

 

 **David  
** _I’ll see if I’m free. Will let you know_

 

 **Matteo** _  
_ _Ofc, i’d just like to see you !_

 

 **David  
** _I’m free :)_

 

Once David’s phone was away and they were walking again, Amira had a knowing look on her face and David hated it. She could read him so quickly these days, it was unfair. He couldn’t hide anything from Amira.

“How’s it going with Matteo?”

“It is going just… It’s going.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m trying to figure out how I feel.”

“Aren’t you still in love with him?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re just getting stuck in your head then?”

David didn’t respond. Amira stopped them and grabbed David’s shoulders to make him face her. She fixed his coat, keeping her hands occupied with “tidying” his appearance despite the fact that it didn’t need it.

“You’re a very wonderful, handsome, hilarious man, David. How are you the smartest moron I know?”

“I’m afraid.”

“We’ll work on that.”

“How?” David knew that Amira could do just about anything she set her mind too, but fixing him? She didn’t need an impossible task to take on.

“You’ve got therapy, you’ve got me, and you’ve got your sister, I’m sure something will click eventually.” Amira grabbed onto the lapel of his coat and started to drag him down the street. “Now c’mon, we have to get groceries because you keep eating all my nutella and I’m sick of it.”

“You’re way too good to me.”

“It’s what friends do.”

* * *

David and Matteo didn’t travel much, they were homebodies who loved their own spaces. When they left, they left with intention. Deciding to go on a trip to the sea wasn’t spur of the moment, it also took much convincing from the people in their life. A lot of insistence that they need a break, they need to take care of themselves, before finally they submitted to the will of their friends.

But now that they’re here, David thought that they may have had a point. He can feel his toes sink into the warm sand as him and Matteo walk. Their hands are entangled, though Matteo keeps pulling away to lean down and pick up different shaped rocks, shells, and other bits of sea debris. This was the one place that David truly felt out of place, when he was a kid he used to love going to the beach. Being able to run around in the water, the hot sun beating down against him, but he couldn’t help but feel disconnected.

He was also just a little jealous, and a little bitter, that Matteo could walk through the world so easily sometimes. He could live without the fear David did. Where Matteo could stroll shirtless down the beach like any other guy, David had to pull on a t-shirt and pray that no one gave him a second glance with the binder straps visible. Though with the smile on Matteo’s face, he could push down the worst of it. Anything was worth it if it meant that he was happy.

“This reminds me of Italy,” Matteo admitted finally as he bent down to pick up another shell. They had drifted closer to the water line now, letting the cool early Summer waves nip at their toes. “My Nonna would take us to the beach for the weekends and the cousins would run around and shove each other into the water and try to build sandcastles and all that stuff. I liked just sitting with her and eating ice cream. And collecting shells.”

“Every time I feel like I’ve learned everything about you, you go and surprise me with something new, Mr. Florenzi,” David said with a grin.

“I’m full of secrets, Mr. Schreibner.” Matteo winked, dropping the shell in his pocket. “But uh… Yeah. I miss that stuff, y’know? The beach, the family, the general just… Calm of it all. Life was simple as a kid, right?”

“Do you think I’ll ever get to know them all?” He asked, unable to help the laugh. He did his best not to let the pain leak into his voice. He had noticed Matteo had been getting worse lately but he didn’t know how to bring it up with him. David could push him all he’d like but Matteo would only get better if he wanted too.

“I think there’s some fun in surprise and adventure, don’t you?”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Perhaps.”

They continued to walk down the beach in a comfortable silence, the sea glittered as it pushed in, pulling out, bringing more debris to the boys. David noticed a smooth blue rock tumble next to his foot, leaning down to pick it up, he ran his fingers over the smooth, wet surface. It was glassy and a little jagged but every edge was completely smooth.

“How about this one?” David asked, handing it to Matteo without much care. Matteo took it like it was the most precious thing David had ever given him.

“Huh.” Matteo studied the rock closely, leaving David to wonder what was so special about it. Though he wasn’t one to question what people considered special, after all, he was the guy who picked up random gears as well as other odds and ends that caught his eye. Everyone had their thing. “Sea glass is really hard to find, y’know.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, there’s a bunch in Italy, but like, southern Italy, along this one specific beach that my Nonna and mom used to take me too. I used to have a giant box of it but then I think it got lost in the move from the house to the apartment the first time around cause I only have the lunch box now.”

“I know what you mean,” David mumbled, thinking of all the things he lost when he had to leave his parents behind in Hamburg. Good memories lost, left to be unclaimed and forgotten by time, or possibly worse depending on how angry his parents had really been.

“After a while the box got too full so I started giving whatever I found to the smaller cousins because they couldn’t find it as easy as I could. I don’t think anyone was able to find it as good as me, but I guess I’ve lost my touch,” Matteo chuckled.

“How many cousins did you have?”

“Oh, god, uh… I had…” He trailed off, counting on his fingers too many times for David’s eyes to keep track of. There was a fond, distant smile that took up Matteo’s face that made David wish he could place that feeling. He didn’t have anything like that. “Okay, so I had seven older cousins, and like, eight or nine younger ones. And then a bunch of aunts and uncles and removed family and all of that.”

Matteo chuckled and looked over at David, now grinning so brightly it could rival the summer sun above them. “Really big family. Family get togethers every summer at my Nonna’s house were wild, I slept in the same bed as three other kids until I was like, eleven. Jonas came a couple years too and throwing him into all that was…” Matteo just shook his head, there was so much fondness in how he spoke that it made David wish he could give him that feeling. “It’s weird to have it go from really big to ridiculously small, then back to really, really big again.”

“How’s it back to big?” David cocked his head to the side, confused but smiling as well because everything about Matteo was infectious to him. It didn’t matter how bad he felt,

“Well,” Matteo wrapped his arms around David’s neck and kissed him lightly on the lips. “There’s Hans and Linn and Jonas… The rest of the crew.”

“Kiki included?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Interesting.”

“And then there’s Avery, and she’s adorable and a little baby and I’m very excited to babysit her with you,” Matteo grinned, “and then I have you. And I’d say you’re absolutely, definitely, no doubt about it my family.”

“Sometimes you say stuff that makes me feel like we’re in some dumb rom-com, y’know?” David leaned in and kissed Matteo softly.  

“Wait, we’re we not in a rom-com? This isn’t ‘Isn’t It Romantic?’ Fuck, I thought we were going to burst out into song next.”

David just rolled his eyes and shoved Matteo away, causing the other to stumble and almost fall into the surf. Matteo laughed as he caught himself just before falling entirely into the chilly water. He leaned down making David think he found another shell through the seafoam, instead Matteo scooped his hands upwards, splashing David.

There was a moment of tension as David looked down at himself to process what happened, but he didn’t care. He decided to go harder against Matteo now, a smirk pulling at his lips as he jumped at his boyfriend and gave him another push, this time unexpected, causing him to fall into the shallow water. Matteo laughed as well and reached out for David’s hand.

“Come here and give me a kiss, asshole.”

“Hmm, do you really deserve it?”

“If I say pretty please?”

“I love you.” David knelt down, his face scrunching up tightly as he felt the cold water against his shins. “How are you not freezing?”

“Guess my love for you keeps me warm?”

“ _Super_ gay.”

“I learnt from the best.”

“Hans?”

“Of course, Hans. Who else?”

It felt like the perfect moment, David could hear the music of the scene that this would be in the film play in the back of his head as he helped Matteo up off the sand.

“Still didn’t get that kiss.”

“Still not sure you deserve it but if you insist I guess I must deliver to the whiney prince.” David winked and pressed a light, fleeting kiss against Matteo’s lips.

 

* * *

Parties always surprised David, he was always under the assumption that he wouldn’t enjoy them, he’d get overwhelmed and want to leave, and sometimes that was the case. More often than not though, he found himself having a good time, enjoying the fact that he had a moment of reprieve to be with his friends and live in the moment. It wasn’t as weird as he thought it would be to be at Matteo and Jonas’ apartment either, he felt like it was any other party that they had in the past, the only difference this time was that Matteo and David weren’t really together again.

Maybe that would change tonight? Or maybe David’s mind would betray his heart.

He situated himself on the edge of the crowd, watching his friends dance and enjoy their night. He would’ve thought that more of them would have left Germany, or Berlin at the very least, before starting their lives, but most were still here. Whatever the reasons may have been, David did appreciate it, it meant he still had some time with the people that mattered most to him before they all really went off and made their impact. David kept himself on alert, seeking out a familiar face in the crowd. He wanted to go straight to Matteo, but he was busy greeting people and being a good host. And Amira had yet to show up.

He took a swig of his drink, not really paying attention to the people around him before he heard a soft cough through the loud bass of the music. Whoever had chosen the music tonight needed a different party mix, David knew that much. He turned his attention to the source of the cough though, stumbling back against the wall when he saw Hanna was beside him.

“Hey, David,” she said, a small smile on her face.

“Hi, uh, hey, Hanna. How’re you doing?”

“I’m good. How’ve you been?”

“Been doing pretty good, just readjusting to being back in school after the break, y’know?”

“Yeah, understandable. I’m never used to it honestly, I feel a little too detached from the whole school thing still.”

“What’re you studying again?”

“I’m getting a communications degree cause I can’t really, settle on anything. It leaves a couple doors open though, I can go into a lot of different writing and reporting with it I think. Or maybe focus on helping people.”

“That’s really cool,” David nodded, “I get you on the not really being able to settle thing.”

“You’ve had your path chosen out since we graduated though,” Hanna laughed, punching his arm. He just ignored it and took a slow sip from his bottle, hoping she didn’t read into his body language too much.

“Only the career, really. Everything else is kind of… Floating through the air.” David made a vague gesture with his hand, waving it out in front of them before letting it fall to his side. He watched Matteo and Jonas talk off to the side, he wondered what they were telling each other. He was never good at reading lips, and they were too far away to eavesdrop.

“That’s fine, we’re young and have time. There’s so much life left in front of us.”

“Mhm.” He hadn’t really processed what Hanna had said to him, his gaze fixated on Matteo. The other could drift through a crowd with ease these days, something David could never manage to do well himself. Sometimes he didn’t mind it, he liked to stand out and be the center of attention because he liked to be kind and be a source of joy for others, but he preferred to stay on the edges and observe. Matteo on the other hand had really come into himself since inpatient, David could tell that much. Matteo laughed with people that David didn’t recognize, his smile could rival the sun with how bright it was. David wanted to be the reason he was smiling like that though.

“Hey, David!” Jonas exclaimed, pulling David in for an unexpected hug. It shocked him, making for a delayed reaction before he hugged Jonas back. When the other man pulled away, looking at him with concern he just gave a shrug, as if to say that it was fine. “How’ve you been, man?” David would never say it, so Jonas had no clue, but it was extremely comforting and validating whenever he called him ‘dude’ and ‘man’. Like Jonas didn’t have to put any effort into seeing him how he wanted to be seen.

“Been good, Hanna and I were talking about school. Excited to finish up this last year. What about you, man?”

“Same, I’m excited to finally _get out there_ and work, right? I’m getting antsy.”

“Fingers crossed there are jobs for us by the time we get there, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah. We always land on our feet though,” Jonas grinned and wrapped himself around Hanna. They were cute, they were the only hetero couple that David didn’t have a problem with. Well, that was a lie, neither were straight, and they weren’t the only couple in a straight relationship that was queer. Sam and Abdi were another welcome pairing, but David had a soft spot for Hanna and Jonas particularly.

“How long have you guys been back together?” He asked, a soft expression on his face as he watched them sway out of time to the upbeat pop song.

“About a year now, a little less than a year,” Jonas replied, “I got a real big kick in the ass from the universe and it wasn’t something I could ignore. It was finally time to let myself be vulnerable like that again.”

“And now you guys are together? Like, solidly for good together?”

“Yep. Been going strong ever since.”

“What about you?” Hanna asked. There was a kind smile on her face, she didn’t mean any ill will but David could feel his head start to spin. He didn’t know how much longer he could be part of a conversation like this.

“Me what?” David asked before chugging the rest of his drink and turning around to see if there was another unopened bottle near him. He zeroed in on one that was lukewarm to the touch, but it would do the job in a pinch. He didn’t need to be present for this conversation.

“Have you found your soulmate yet?”

“I have.”

David didn’t have to look over to see that both Jonas and Hann were looking at him expectantly. He just opened the new bottle and busied himself with drinking it.

“And have you guys started… Seeing each other?” The tone of Jonas’ voice was so desperate for information, for David to talk to him like nothing had changed. A lot had changed though and they both knew that, they weren’t in high school anymore. He wasn’t about to tell Jonas that he was still in love with Matteo as much as he trusted him, Matteo and David being soulmates wasn’t exactly any of Jonas’ business (right now).

“We’re figuring it out.”

“What’re we talking about?” Matteo asked as he slid up beside David, giving him a quick side hug. David wanted nothing more than to let Matteo fall into his side so he could hold him close while obnoxious music played and they talked quietly.

“David’s soulmate.”

“Oh, fun topic.” There was a grin on Matteo’s face, David found Matteo relaxing into him just a bit. “I found mine, by the way.”

At that, David looked up quickly to meet Matteo’s watery blue eyes. He wanted to look at Hanna and Jonas, David hoped that he wasn’t being too obvious with how he was staring at Matteo. He could only imagine that he had the dopiest, softest expression.

“Who is it?” He heard Hanna’s voice, but it was tinny and distant, it almost blended in with the beat of the music. David knew she was dying to know though. Everyone was.

“Ah, that’s not important yet, things will work out. Just have to be a little patient.”

There was a quiet as Matteo kept himself pressed up against David, the music started to drown out the conversation. David kept drinking, eventually his arm found its way around Matteo’s waist comfortably. David finally allowing himself to fall back into their normal habits.

He was a couple of drinks in at this point and had been barely paying attention to the music, but Matteo had given him a gentle nudge and whispered he’d be right back. David knew that Matteo thought he was a clumsy, bumbling goofball, which he definitely was, but there was something about him that was terribly charming and smooth beyond belief. He watched as Matteo darted between the different partiers, mostly just their crew and some extra friends, like Amira’s brothers, Mohammed, and Kiki’s new boyfriend. The only one that David could bring himself to care about was Matteo though.

Nothing had changed, but there was a mischievous smile on Matteo’s face, like he had done something specifically for David.

David tilted his head to the side curiously as Matteo approached him, the head tilt had become a habit he couldn’t kick, and Matteo teased him for it, mimicking the held tilt himself.  

“Just wait,” he pulled him close and dragged David over to the clearing in the living room where people were dancing. Matteo’s hands were holding David’s tightly, moving his arms gently in an attempt to get him to start dancing.

“C’mon, you know I don’t dance.”

“That’s a big fucking lie, you dance.”

“I dance when I’m drunk.”

“And you’re not drunk right now?”

“The doctor said I can’t dance.”

“You had top surgery when? Like almost two months ago now? You can dance.”

David rolled his eyes and laced their fingers together, moving arms back and forth as they inched closer. The song playing faded out, it was a newer song that David hadn’t recognized. The next one started with a familiar electronic clicking sound, a guitar burst in and he recognized the song immediately. Heart of Glass by Blondie was playing which completely surprised David. He had mentioned offhand once that this was one of his favorite songs, it made him drift and float in the best ways. Whenever he heard this song, he wanted to dance the rest of the night away, he wanted to live his life as cinematically possible and run off with Matteo to do something ridiculous and just stupid enough for them.

In his mind they ended up at a diner, they were restless and laughing, just enjoying each others company, but this was just as good. Dancing clumsily with Matteo, ignoring the people around them, it was just like they were eighteen again at abiball, not caring about anything around them. They were just lost in the moment with each other. Matteo tried to give David a twirl, and it succeeded, he didn’t get hit in the face. He was spun around making him stumble and fall against Matteo’s chest. He wrapped his arms around Matteo’s waist.

“See? Told you that you can dance,” Matteo teased as they leaned their foreheads together, swaying to the beat of the song with ease.

“Okay so maybe you’re right. But only barely,” David grinned. “I think you’re doing this just to make a dishonest man out of me. What would Jonas say?”

“How can you say ‘maybe’?” Matteo had an overdramatic tone, “I’m wounded you wouldn’t think higher of me, Mr. Schreibner. I’m quite the gentleman.”

“You know, Mr. Florenzi, I find you’re just a little too tricky to trust most of the time. Almost like you have an ulterior motive.”

“Me? Ulterior motive? My intentions are nothing but pure of heart!”

“Hmm, you might be right,” David pressed closer and stole a gentle kiss from Matteo. The other froze for just a moment before leaning back in and pressing into David. There were cheers, distant from David’s ears, they were drowned out in the music. All that mattered now was Matteo in his arms, the boys fingers tangled in his hair as he got kissed within an inch of his life in the middle of Matteo’s living room, in front of all their friends. He pulled back from his lips and chuckled lightly. “Are you sure you’re pure of heart?”

“Get a room!” Abdi yelled before letting out a loud ‘whoo’, which was followed by many other cheers, these felt closer to the bubble David had mentally put up around himself and Matteo. But that didn’t matter.

“Oh shut up,” Matteo rolled his eyes. He pulled back from David entirely but reached out for his hand, lacing their fingers together tightly. “Follow me.” And he was dragging David towards a door that he could only assume lead to Matteo’s room. The door closed behind them and Matteo locked it before pressing David up against it. His hands were on Matteo’s hips, fingers digging into skin underneath the hem of his t-shirt. Matteo had one had on his jaw and the other on David’s shoulder, just barely keeping him pinned there. He could move at any time if he really wanted too, Matteo wasn’t putting too much effort into keeping David anywhere he didn’t want to me.

Before things got anymore heated, David removed himself from Matteo and shrugged off his sweater. “Do we want to talk about anything?” He asked, his voice lower than he had anticipated.

“Honestly, right now, I just,” Matteo trailed off and shrugged. “I don’t really care, I just want to be with you, David. I was serious. Seeing you makes my day that much better. Besides I don’t think that’s a talk we should have drunk.”

They both laughed, David nodded to confirm that he agreed. He didn’t know what else to do or say, he just wanted to collapse on the bed and entangle himself with Matteo. They’d think about all that later. For now, it was just them. As if he could read David’s thoughts, Matteo’s hands grabbed David’s and lead him over to his bed. He fell back and dragged David down with him causing him to land on Matteo’s chest fully.

“Oh shit, your binder I’m so sorry, I forgot that shit can hurt,” Matteo was giggling and a little delirious, drunk for sure, trying to push David off.

“Matteo, I got top surgery, remember? You literally used that against me to dance.”

“ _Right_ ,” Matteo laughed, bringing his hands up to David’s face. He felt light fingertips against his jaw and couldn’t help the gasp that left his lips. “I feel like I remember how handsome you are every time I close my eyes and then I get up close to you and I see all these little things that I completely forgot about.”

“You’re quite the romantic,” David chuckled softly, taking one of Matteo’s hands in his own to lace their fingers together and hold tightly. Matteo might not have needed the grounding this time but David definitely did.

“I got a lot of practice.”

“How?”

“By watching rom-com’s in inpatient.”

“Fascinating. You’re going to have to tell me more about that.”

“Guess we’re just going to have to go on another date.”

“Why can’t you just tell me now?”

“Oh, because I’m too busy kissing a really handsome guy.”

“You should probably get back to that if that’s your top priority then, Mr. Florenzi.”

“Already on it, Mr. Screibner.”

* * *

When he woke up the next morning, Matteo was wrapped fully around his body. David brought a hand up to the others hair and tangled his fingers in it as he stroked gently. It was quiet, intimate, and _safe_. When they had graduated and he had said Matteo was home for him, he really wasn’t joking. This felt right, this felt like where David belonged. He noticed the bright, glowing blue thread between them was barely a foot long, the connection was so tangible.

There was no way David was going to be able to get out of bed with how Matteo was wrapped around him, but he had to leave. He had work in the afternoon. He reached for his phone to check the time, it was barely nine, he couldn’t make Matteo wake up. Or well, he wouldn’t feel good about it. He wiggled around a bit, but didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to let the moment go.

Something inside of him yelled that he wasn’t going to be able to have this moment again, probably the depression, he should cherish it. Instead he brought his other hand up and gave Matteo a gentle “slap” on the face. Really it was more of a pat than anything else. “Hey, wake up.”

“Mmm, what time is it?” Matteo groaned, scrunching up his face with distaste, his eyes never opening.

“Almost nine.” David was already shifting himself, trying to pull from Matteo’s grip. But with every movement he made, the boys grasp just got stronger on him, refusing to let him leave.

“Why’re we up?”

“I have to go to work soon.”

“Oh, gross. Call out.”

“I can’t, Matteo. I need the money.”

“Mmm, I guess that’s a good reason.”

“For what?”

“For you to abandon me.”

David winced, hating the idea that he could be hurting Matteo. Even though he could tell it was all teasing, it was obvious in his tone, it still struck a deeper chord with him, something he didn’t want to think about at all. “I’m not abandoning you.”

“Yes, you are, you’re my heating pack and you’re leaving me.” Matteo rolled off David, allowing him to sit up in the bed. Though once he was upright, Matteo had sprawled his upper body across David’s lap.

“For my _job_.”

“Your point?”

“You’re being a dramatic baby.”

“You knew I was like this from day one.”

“I don’t think you gave me fair warning.”

“You’re just bitter.”

 _No, I’m just in love._ David didn’t say it even though every fiber of his being was screaming at him to do so. “You should go back to sleep.”

“Can you stay a bit longer?”

“No.”

“Can I get a kiss goodbye then?”

“Maybe.”

Matteo pouted up at David, he knew he couldn't say no to him. They shared a soft, small kiss, where David couldn’t keep his hands from cupping Matteo’s face, tracing his jaw lightly.

“See you soon?”

“I’ll text you about our next date, alright?”

“And we’ll talk during that one, I promise.”

Finally Matteo’s grip on David loosened and he allowed him to pull himself away from the bed. Nothing could have been more difficult in that moment. He didn’t really pay attention to what sweater he had picked up and pulled on, he just wanted to get out of there before he decided to act on his whim and call off work to spend the day in Matteo’s bed.

He grabbed his jacket, checking for his phone, keys, and wallet before he left.

“I’ll see you soon?” Matteo called out, resting on his side as he watched David leave.

He paused before closing the door, taking on last look at Matteo. “Sooner than you think.”

Then David was weaving his way through the mess in the apartment. If he were eighteen and trying to make a good impression, he would start cleaning up, hell, if he didn’t have to get home and shower off the smell of alcohol and sweaty cuddles, he would have stayed and started cleaning up.

As he left the apartment, his headphones were in his ears and he settled on a more upbeat playlist for his walk back home. Hozier filled his ears once again, gentle guitar strumming and clapping. Sweet music that made him full of love and hope. When he pulled out his phone from his jacket pocket to check the time, a small, folded up piece of paper tumbled out. David would have almost missed it if it wasn’t bright blue, but it looked like a post-it note. He unfolded it and felt his breath catch at the words, written in black Sharpie. Almost cartoonish in style, there was no mistake it was Matteo’s handwriting.

 

 _Don’t worry too much about me. You’re important too._  
_I’m_ here, _David. I can wait. I’ll wait as long as you need.  
_ _-Matteo_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a lot to wriiite, I hope y'all enjoy it and appreciate it! There's still so much more to go and my life is still really chaotic right now but hopefully nothing keeps me from updating frequently until this is finished <3 I'm really enjoying writing this for y'all and challenging myself to write this. 
> 
> Let me know if you enjoyed the chapter, comments and kudos are always welcome <3  
> You can follow me on Tumblr @filmictrans :)


	5. Like a River Flows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look, you don’t have to tell me,” Jonas leaned forward on his elbows and looked at David. He felt like the other man was staring into his soul, like he could read him just as well as he could read Matteo. “Just be careful. I still care about you, David. You’re still my friend. Brudi’s for life.”
> 
> “You’re full of cheese.”
> 
> “And you’re deflecting.” David avoided his gaze. “Matteo loves you a lot, okay? And I know you love him. I guess--” Before Jonas could finish, he was cut off by Matteo’s familiar voice, plopping down in between them at the table with a hello.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW Talk about inpatient therapy, talk about depression/mental illness
> 
> It's... A weird kind of heavy chapter so I just wanted to give that heads up before anyone gets into it!

Every time David had a shift with Moritz, he felt like he was going to commit murder. No one who worked at Homebrew liked him just by the nickname he had earned his second day training, Mücke. To no one’s surprise, that had been his nickname in high school so he was absolutely elated. There was no good reason to fire him though because he was good at his job. He was just annoying because he never stopped talking and he never, ever spoke about anything interesting. With David’s luck as of late, it had been Mücke’s shift to choose the music, which did not go well as he was a straight man with absolutely no taste. If David didn’t need to have his job, he would have quit the moment the classic rock had come on. 

Shifts with Mücke meant David was counting down the minutes until he could leave. They usually didn’t have overlap, maybe a couple of hours here and there, but never a full six hours together. It was rare for Mücke to open the shop, he “preferred” to close, which baffled David. Closing was absolute hell, cleaning up after everyone’s mess that had built up over the course of the day? Terrible. And after his first two shifts with Mücke, David had begged their manager to never make them work together, or else he would quit. 

But there they were, on this rare occasion they had a shift overlap, with Carry On My Wayward Son playing on the sound system and David just about ready to put the steam wand on Mücke’s hand if he continued to blather on about his girlfriend’s bienenstich. It was a wonderful dessert, David knew that, but he couldn’t imagine anyone making it better than Matteo. And he didn’t want to hear straight nonsense any longer. 

“Mücke, bienenstich isn’t even that good,” David grumbled, hoping it would just get his coworker to shut up. He had ten minutes left, he just needed to get through those ten minutes. He watched as the seconds ticked by on the cash register.

“Oh, you’re just bitter because you haven’t found your soulmate yet. But you will soon, dude! I just know it, you’re a catch.” He came over and gave David a punch in the arm, which he could tell was meant to be playful but Mücke had just straight up punched him. 

“I will end your life right now.” David wasn’t a violent person, not nearly, but there was something about Mücke that made him want to throw his morals out. Some people needed to be beat up.

“I’m just trying to cheer you up, man. You can’t go around and mope all the time.” Mücke’s voice was grating go his ears, somehow managing to be worse than nails on a chalkboard.

“I only mope when you’re working.” David grumbled, seeing a minute pass. Nine left.

“We could spend the whole time in silence if you really want.”

“Yes, that’s what I would prefer for once, Mücke.” 

“Why do you never want to talk to me?”

“Because I don’t like you.”

“I’ve done nothing wrong. I just want to be your friend.”

“I’m not required to be friends with my co-workers.”

“You’re friends with Sara.” There was a hint of distaste in his voice that made David’s skin crawl. 

“Because I’ve known Sara since I was seventeen, long before either of us got the job.”

“What? That means you can’t make any more room for friends?”

“No, I just don’t want to become your token queer friend.”

“Now I see why you don’t have friends, you’re heterophobic.”

“You made me this way.”

“Maybe this is why you don’t have a soulmate, cause you’re so nasty.”

David groaned, leaning forward against the counter and letting his eyes shut. He gripped the counter tightly, trying to ground himself in the moment. He was fine. He would be fine. He didn’t have to justify Mücke’s bullshit with an answer. Only a couple more minutes left. 

“You’re just going to shut me out now?”

David opened his mouth to answer, but before he could, the bell over the door rang. Relief washed over himself, there wasn’t supposed to be crosstalk when customers were at cash. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel after all. He opened his eyes and was met with the ever warm, always full of hope smile that Jonas always had. 

“You’re a lifesaver,” David let go of a breath he was holding in. Jonas looked confused for a moment. David did a small tilt of his head in Mücke’s direction and Jonas’ eyes went wide, nodding slowly. 

“Yeah, of course,” Jonas laughed. “How’ve you been, man? I didn’t really get to talk to you at the party.” There was such a distinct difference from when Mücke called him ‘man’ and ‘bro’ and when Jonas did it, Mücke always did it with a tone that came off as ‘ _I totally believe you 100% no doubts at all_ ’ and Jonas was actually a good person. 

“There was a party?” Mücke interjected. “You have friends?”

“You literally have your own friends,” David snapped.

“I can always have more.” 

“You can have new friends that aren’t my friends.” David turned his attention back to Jonas. 

“We’re having a private conversation anyway,” Jonas said, giving a vague gesture between himself and David. His tone was serious, but there was a glint of mischief in his eyes. “Friends catching up, respect that.” 

The look on Mücke’s face was a mix of offended, astonished, and disappointed. David would beg for Jonas to be hired if it meant that Mücke felt like he never had place in the shop again. His attention went back to Jonas. “I’m doing alright, how’re you?”

“Fine, fine. School is already picking up and I’m not fond of that but y’know,” Jonas shrugged. “Political science thesis is going to be my end this year I think.”

“You and Amira both, what’re you writing yours on?”

“Environmental policy and the history of environmental activism.” There was a big grin on Jonas’ face, he was obviously very proud of himself. David’s eyes drifted down to the time on the cash register, he had three minutes left. He could ride out this conversation with Jonas to the end of his shift and Mücke wouldn’t be able to interrupt.

“That’s sick, man,” David said, genuinely excited for Jonas. He had missed this. When Matteo and David had broken up, everything stayed pretty much the same. While Matteo was in in-patient, David and Jonas still hung out all the time, the crew still stayed together. Even after Matteo got out of inpatient and David hadn’t seen him, Jonas and him still hung out. He wondered what had changed, he couldn’t pinpoint it in his memory. He understood though, if Jonas had intentionally pulled back. Matteo was basically his brother. He was the priority. “What else has been going on?”

“Do you have time to catch up right now?” Jonas’ voice had dropped lower, looking at him with concern. “I want to talk, but if you have to work I don’t want to keep you from it.” 

Before he could check the time, he felt someone hug him from behind. 

“Helllooo,” a sweet voice sung in his ear, he immediately recognized the voice as Sara’s. The tension he had held in his body left immediately and he turned around to return the hug. “You’re free, David.”

He turned his attention back to Jonas, a big grin on his face. “You heard Sara, I’m free.” David did his last check ups on the cash register and the coffees before coming out from behind the counter. “If you’re down to hang for a bit I was going to wait for Amira because she gets out of class soon.” 

“Yeah, I’m good to talk. I’m waiting for Hanna and Matteo.” 

“Same class?”

“No, just gets out at the same time.”

“Cool. Do you still want to order? My treat.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“Was I only an employee discount in the form of a human to you?”

“Perhaps.” 

They ordered, Sara was sweet the entire time and made a point to talk louder than Mücke was any time he tried to insert himself into the conversation. They found a small corner in the back of the shop that was a little more private.

“I know Matteo is your soulmate,” Jonas said before David had the chance to ask anything. He was wearing a proud look on his face as he took a large bite of his sandwich.

“Uhm,” David leaned back in his seat, unable to process what Jonas had said. How did he catch on? He knew that Jonas was an observant person but he had barely interacted with him since the thread had appeared, and Matteo hadn’t mentioned bringing it up to Jonas. 

“Don’t worry, Matteo didn’t tell me,” he clarified. “You’re just easy to read and Matteo can’t lie.” 

“Okay.”

“Are you going to do anything about it?”

“What?”

“Are you just going to ignore it and keep playing this game of gay chicken that you guys have been playing?”

“It’s not gay chicken,” David said, frowning at Jonas.

“What is it then?”

It wasn’t easy to explain, David knew that much. He had tried explaining it to Angie, that’s the closest he had gotten, but telling an old friend that the reason he struggled to just let himself be with Matteo was because he didn’t believe he could be loved? That was a lot harder. It wasn’t his therapist where they had the next hour to go over all the reasons, not that he wanted to go over them anyway. 

“Look, you don’t have to tell me,” Jonas leaned forward on his elbows and looked at David. He felt like the other man was staring into his soul, like he could read him just as well as he could read Matteo. “Just be careful. I still care about you, David. You’re still my friend. Brudi’s for life.”

“You’re full of cheese.”

“And you’re deflecting.” David avoided his gaze. “Matteo loves you a lot, okay? And I know you love him. I guess--” Before Jonas could finish, he was cut off by Matteo’s familiar voice, plopping down in between them at the table with a hello.

“My two favorite people,” Matteo grinned, giving Jonas a fist bump. He just smiled at David. There was no sign of Amira or Hanna, which was a relief, he could escape soon. “How’re you both doing today?”

“Doing swell,” Jonas smiled brightly.

“I’m okay.” David shrugged and sunk into his chair, unsure if he liked all the focus on him like this. It didn’t help that his brain was trying to fill in the rest of Jonas’ sentence.

“Just okay?” Matteo’s lips pulled into a frown.

“Yeah.”

“Anything we can do?” Matteo asked. David knew the tone well. _Tell me what you need_. David looked at Matteo, pleading with him not to bring up anything right now, Jonas didn’t need to get involved. No one needed to get involved in David’s mess honestly, but he couldn’t stop Matteo from doing it. Just like Matteo could never stop him from getting into Matteo’s mess. 

Jonas had begun talking again, but David had already zoned out. He wasn’t sure what was going on with him, but some days were like this. No matter how many good things came along, he still couldn’t escape the sinking feeling that lived within his chest. He pulled out his phone to distract himself while they all waited, but instead of dicking around on Instagram or playing a dumb phone game, David decided to text Matteo.

 **David**  
_Jonas knows._

 

Matteo looked at him confused, and concerned.

 

 **Matteo**  
_Knows what?_

 

 **David**  
_That we’re soulmates._

 

The brightest smile found its way onto Matteo’s face, his smile could make night seem like day. Matteo’s smile was like a lighthouse, something that gave him comfort while he tried to find his way home.

 

 **Matteo** _  
_ _There are worse people that could know._

 

 **David** _  
_ _I just didn’t want you to be surprised._

 

 **Matteo  
** _Thanks. Anything else wrong?_

 

 **David** **  
** _Bad brain day._

 

A familiar text between the two of them. If David went back in their chat history it probably came up at least once a week for both of them.

 

 **Matteo** **  
** _Gotcha. Same rules?_

 

 **David** **  
** _Yeah._

 

 **Matteo** **  
** _Cool. Distraction good?_

 

 **David** **  
** _Sure._

 

 **Matteo** **  
** _Date on Saturday?_

 

Not the distraction that David had anticipated, he expected a meme or maybe video that he thought would make David laugh. 

 

 **David** **  
** _:O Yeah ofc_

 

 **Matteo** **  
** _Cooooollll :) <3 _

 

David was impressed by Matteo’s ability to keep up with the conversation with Jonas, but he knew from experience that this was just part of who Matteo was. 

“You guys aren’t subtle,” Jonas said casually, David jumped a bit at the statement.

“What do you mean?”

“I can see you guys are texting.” 

“We’re not.” David couldn’t lie to Jonas well, but maybe he’d believe him.

“Yeah, I could be texting Carlos since I’m watching Avery tonight.”

“You can’t lie to me, Luigi,” Jonas snatched Matteo’s phone from him and passed it over to David. 

He could see it was their text conversation, just on Matteo’s end. His name at the top of the screen was _anima gemalla_. David could recognize it as Italian, but he wasn’t familiar with the term.

“See? Your name is still _anima gemella_. Which, I love you both, but that’s fucking gay, even for soulmates.” 

Matteo punched Jonas hard in the arm, “he never knew that.” 

Jonas’ face went from amusement to shock in a split second, like his brain had short circuited.

“I don’t know Italian so I’m… Still kind of lost. I just remember the _tesoro_ and _cuore mio_ , the little things, y’know?” David explained, feeling his cheeks flush just thinking about the tender terms that Matteo used to call him. Matteo speaking Italian in general made David extremely flustered. 

“Do you want to tell him?” Quick recovery from Jonas.

Matteo bit down on his lip, he wasn’t able to look at David which caused a pang of pain in his heart. “It means ‘twin soul’.”

“ _Oh._ ” David felt just how hot his cheeks were and could only imagine just how pink they were. It made him feel better that Matteo’s face was equally red, or at least nearly as red as his own. “That’s…” David couldn’t find the words to finish what he was trying to say.

“I can change it if you want.”

“No, I… I really like it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I love it.”

* * *

“I don’t know why I’m so worried about what I’m going to wear, it’s _Matteo_. He’s known for grandpa sweaters and baggy pants.”

“It’s because you’re in love.” Amira smirked. She sat on his desk and watched him as he paced back and forth across his room. They had been there for about an hour while David cycled through every item of clothing he had to try and figure out what to wear for the date. 

“Ah yes, thank you for reminding me. How could I forget?”

“You did seem to mentally check out of that fact for almost two and a half years.”

David rolled his eyes and pulled two garrish button ups out of his closet, both were relatively muted in coloring but there were numerous conflicted patterns, florals, and shapes to make up for the lack of color.

“You truly are a style icon,” Amira laughed, shaking her head.

“Thank you, I know.”

“Does this mean you’ll help me pick out my outfit for the next time I hang out with Mohammed?”

“We’re still calling that ‘hanging out’?”

“Y’know I don’t _have_ to help you, I could just leave you to flounder and worry on your own.” Amira teased, there was a glint of mischief in her eyes that made David know she wouldn’t. 

“But you won’t because you love me.”

“Okay, fair. So when’s the date again?”

“Saturday.”

“David, It’s Thursday.”

“It’s been a rough week.”

Amira got off of David’s desk and walked over to David’s closet, pushing him aside. “Alright, give me some details about the date.”

“We’re doing a picnic.”

“That’s really cute,” Amira smiled softly. David watched as her hands slowly travelled over his clothes, every so often she’d push some other items back to look fully at something. “I think you should wear this.”

Eventually, Amira did pull a shirt and pants combo out of his closet. “Alright, these.” She handed them to David. As he took them he looked down, seeing she had chosen a pair of gray kind of dressy pants and a floral, but not loud, black and white button up. 

“Thank you.” David smiled, placing the clothes on his bed before he pulled her in for a tight hug. “I’m sorry I’ve been so annoying about this lately.” 

Amira pulled back and rested her hands on David’s shoulders, giving them a squeeze. “It’s completely understandable though.”

“How so?” He was confused, she was the first person to say confirm that his chaotic feelings had been okay for him to feel.

“Soulmate or not, you’re meant to be with Matteo, that’s just… One of those inexplicable truths.”

* * *

David wasn’t sure how Matteo remembers the day of his breakdown, but he know that they remember it differently. It had been one of the best days of his life, Professor Becker had invited him and Abdi to the set of an independent film, they had the ability to be hands on and experience a real film set. David would treasure the experience for the following years. The day was split distinctly into two parts though, a full day of filming and then… A very long, painful night.

He had barely made it through the threshold when he realized very quickly that something was very, very wrong in Matteo’s apartment. The air was absolutely silent, which was uncharacteristic for the apartment on a Saturday night. At the very least, Linn would be in the living room playing Stardew Valley. There was no one though. It felt empty. 

He walked cautiously through the apartment, floorboards creaking loudly under his feet. He had never noticed how loud they were, how much noise everything had made until then. He got to Matteo’s door and pressed an ear up against it carefully, through it he could hear slow, painful, _quiet_ sobs. David knocked gently, knuckles rapping against hard wood as light as he could, he didn’t want to scare his boyfriend. “Matteo,” he called out, voice gentle, “Matteo, can I come in?”

The sobbing suddenly stopped and there was no sound from the other side of the door. 

“Matteo, please, can I come in?” David asked, more panicked this time.

There was shuffling on the other side, after what felt like an eternity the door finally opened and there was Matteo. He looked like an absolute mess. Matteo’s hair stuck out in every direction, his shirt was hanging so loosely off his shoulders that David thought it could be used as a blanket. His eyes were bloodshot like he had been crying, or smoking, or maybe even both? David could smell the familiar scent of a joint waft out of the room. 

“Sorry,” Matteo sniffled, wiping his eyes with his palm. “I would have texted.”

“What happened?”

“I uh… I broke my phone. And my computer.”

“That really doesn’t say it all.”

“I failed my intro class.”

“I’m still not following you.”

“I--” Matteo paused, he slumped against his door frame which knocked the door open a bit further. David could see past him better now, his room was dark with only the last rays of daylight peaking in. It was a wreck. There were papers strewn everywhere, bits of broken computer on the floor, there was even a dent in the wall but David couldn’t pinpoint what made it. Matteo took a deep breath before he continued, letting it out slowly. “I had a breakdown because I didn’t get the grade I needed to continue with my major.”

“You could have called me.”

“I didn’t want to ruin your day.”

“Oh.” David swallowed hard and shifted his weight nervously. “Okay, well, tell me now. What’s going on?”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, David.”

“We can’t just ignore it though, your room is a wreck, you don’t have a phone or a computer,” David could hear his voice shake. He was scared, he hadn’t seen Matteo like this in a long time. 

“ _I’m_ not ignoring it. I just-- I can’t talk about it right now, I don’t want too, I’ve already--” Matteo, despite his obvious annoyance with David, reached out and grabbed onto his hand tightly. David looked down at his hands and noticed his knuckles were bruised and cut up. He understood though, this wasn’t the time to talk about this. They would figure it all out later, but for now, David just needed to be there. 

“You’ve got all the time in the world.”

“Thanks.”

Neither said anything for a long time, David was giving Matteo the lead. It was up to him what they did, what happened, the only choice David had made for sure was that he wasn’t going home tonight. He was staying until he was sure that Matteo was okay. 

“I just don’t know what happens to me, y’know?” Matteo sighed, they were still standing in the doorway to his room. “I’ll feel a really low _low_ coming and I indulge it instead of trying to fight.”

“Do you think you need to start seeing someone?”

“Maybe? Probably. I didn’t think it was going to get this bad again.”

“Again?”

“Yeah, it happened once before we got together. That text you sent about not being into me kind of pushed me over the edge, not that it’s your fault, I didn’t have a good control on how to react to things and I was already doing pretty shitty.”

David didn’t know how to react, he didn’t like the idea that he had hurt Matteo in the past, that he had hurt him over and over throughout the course of their relationship. He had been trying to figure himself out and had hurt Matteo deeply in the process. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault, David.”

“I know logically it wasn’t but,” David trailed off, looking down at his hands for a moment before he looked back to Matteo. “I did hurt you back then.”

“It’s not, I’m just… Depressed and I have ADHD and sometimes that means my reactions are way more dramatic than they need to be.”

“Okay,” David nodded slowly, “do you want to go to my place? We can come back and deal with the mess tomorrow morning.”

Matteo turned and looked behind him to see the mess that waited in his room. “Yeah, I’d like that. Can we order food?”

“You’re very cute and very forgetful if you think I’m going to cook anything.” 

“Oh, no, I remembered, I’m asking because I’d rather not get food poisoning on top of this awful mood.”

“I really wish I could be even a little offended by that but I can’t.”

“It’s alright because you’re still pretty cute.”

“At least I’ll always have my looks.”

* * *

“If I wanted to be mean I’d say you didn’t really think this one through,” David said teasingly as he and Matteo unfolded up a soft picnic blanket that Matteo had brought along for their date. They set it down in the middle of Matteo’s living room, where they had danced at a party just a week ago. 

“Look, I think it’s very romantic that we got caught in the rain.”

“I’m soaked to the bone.” He gestured down to himself to remind Matteo of the fact that they both had to change into dry clothing when they had gotten back to the apartment. “And you look like a drowned subway rat. There is no romance in getting wet.”

“I’m not going to dignify that with an answer, Mr. Schreibner.” Matteo stuck his tongue out at David and knelt down on the ground, unpacking the picnic basket that he had bought just for their date. David took a moment to look around the apartment, unable to help as he thought about just how much of each other's lives they had missed. David had never been one for what could have been, he didn’t like to miss what never was, but with Matteo it was different. It pained David to think that he missed out on any of the tenderness that inherently surrounded Matteo Florenzi. 

In between them there were tupperware filled with finger foods, there was cut up fruit and little biscuits and sandwiches, all different kinds of picnic food. He sat down finally, placing himself across from Matteo. The attention to detail was something that David knew well in Matteo. When he was invested in something, he was thorough.

“Y’know I spent like, an hour with Amira agonizing over what I was going to wear,” David laughed.

“And now you’re in my pajamas,” Matteo grinned, “which I have to say you look very handsome in.”

“How many rom-com’s did you watch in inpatient?”

“Way too many. It definitely became a hyperfixation after my eighth Breath of the Wild run through,” Matteo chuckled as he pulled out a bottle of wine and two glasses, pouring one for each of them. “Not really one anymore, but I’ve kept the habits even though they’re cliche.

“It makes you who you are,” David threw him a smile of his own. “Have you had any other hyperfixations since?”

“Just revisited old interests like video games and cooking. I reached out to my Nonna and got some old family recipes and spent… A very long time perfecting them,” Matteo explained. They sat quietly for a moment before David pulled out his phone so he could put on some music. He scrolled through the different playlists, most were of his own creation for different moods, some were for different projects he had worked on. At the very bottom of his account there were the playlists that were for Matteo, he clicked the one titled ‘Date Night’. 

“What was inpatient like?”

“Oh, god, uh, weird. Really weird.” Matteo laughed, “but also kind of dark, do you really want to talk about that right now?”

“You said that Jonas was at Hanna’s for the night. We have the whole night to do whatever and I really want to catch up. I want to know everything that I missed.”

“Alright, well,” Matteo picked up his glass, taking a small sip. “My roommate was really sweet, they were there because they had a kleptomania problem which kinda sucked at the beginning cause I kept finding my socks under their bed.”

Matteo continued to talk, explaining the different in’s and out’s of his day while he was at the facility. His roommate had been nonbinary and very into activism before participating in the program. There were weekly group therapy sessions that Matteo hated at the beginning because it meant being vulnerable around people he didn’t know. The food wasn’t great, but there was one night a week where the patients could help make dinner, which Matteo took too as soon as he had found out. 

He admitted that it wasn’t all roses and sunshine though, that he still had bad days, there were times while he was there that he thought about running away, that the work he was putting in didn’t mean anything. David remembered that the first couple weeks were particularly awful, there was very little contact with the outside world. The distance from the people that he cared about made Matteo feel like he had faded into nothing. 

The more Matteo talked about being there, the more it made David realized that he really had made the best choice for himself. David couldn’t be prouder. He had noticed it in little things over the last month, after their first run in with the thread, Matteo drifted through the world still but he was lighter on his feet, he smiled more, he looked like he had been taking care of himself. And Matteo’s presence? David had always loved it, he felt like his chest was full of sunshine on a warm spring day, he could smell pasta cooking in the kitchen even if they were just playing video games, but somehow there was _more_ of that.

All the things that made Matteo _Matteo_ were there. The love for his family and friends, the idea that cooking was love, the happiness that came from Matteo knowing he made others happy. It was all amplified now, David didn’t think that was possible.

“What about you?” Matteo looked up at him expectantly. He took a slow sip from his wine, looking over the rim of his glass at David, almost expectantly. In the warm light of his living room, his eyes looked almost green, like water running through a stream. 

“What about me?”

“What have you been up too?”

“Oh uh, besides school, Abdi and I have been looking for production intern jobs, we’ve been able to get a few here and there which has been fun,” David smiled softly. “I uh, I also started going to therapy. I think about a year ago, maybe a little more or a little less.”

“You did?” Matteo lit up slightly. It had been a push that he had made a long time ago that David always promised to follow through on but didn’t. 

“It was Laura’s idea. After Amira and I moved in together I hit a really bad low and I skipped class for a week, didn’t tell anyone what I was up too, just kind of disappeared.”

“As you’re one to do.”

“A little bit maybe.”

“And so that was enough to push you to go?”

“Not really,” David admitted, letting the music take the conversation for a moment. It was a song that he knew Matteo wasn't too familiar with, it was soft like a lullaby with words that cut deep.

_I'll be your baby. There's nothing better I'd rather do._

He hummed softly with the music, singing was never David’s strong suit. He left that for Matteo.

“What was the push then?”

“Laura told me to think about what you would want me to do.”

“Oh, wow. And what did you think I’d want you to do?”

“I didn’t get back to her for a week honestly, I just kept thinking about it and you and reaching out but I was scared,” David sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. The time apart from Matteo had been some of the roughest in his life. He knew that the boy couldn’t fix his problems, those were his to handle, but the support that they gave each other was different. “When I finally gave her an answer I think my exact words were ‘he’d want me to take care of myself, and then he’d call me something in Italian’.”

“I probably would have called you a dumbass,” Matteo teased. “And then something in Italian. How’s going to therapy been though?”

“I’m more deeply fucked up then I could have ever imagined and I barely talk about anything with her,” David couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped his lips. “We talk a lot about why I like to run away though.”

“And did you figure out why?”

“I’m scared of being happy.”

There was quiet for a while, they both just sat in Matteo’s living room, picking at the little biscuits and sandwiches that Matteo had made for their failed picnic in the park. The music played, David knew Matteo still didn’t really know any of it but he swayed where he sat nonetheless.

“Y’know,” Matteo started, setting down one of the biscuits he had picked up. “Something they had told me in inpatient was that happiness is a constant pursuit, so while things get bad, and sometimes continue to get worse for a while, it doesn’t mean it always will be.”

“How did you get to be so smart, Mr. Florenzi?”

“I’m just repeating what they taught me, Mr. Schreibner.”

“I’m still working through that stuff honestly,” David admitted, his voice quieter than he had anticipated, he might as well have not said anything. “Letting myself be happy, being okay with the idea that people want to love and care about me… Feels wrong, I guess. I haven’t earned that yet.”

“I’m familiar with the feelings,” Matteo chuckled with a slight bitterness in his laugh. “I still struggle with it honestly. It’s difficult.”

David just nodded and took a sip of his own wine. He loved talking with Matteo, but he wasn’t sure how much more rough conversation he could handle. They hadn’t even spoken about the state of their relationship yet.

“After inpatient was hard,” Matteo admitted, though he sounded defeated. “I thought everything was going to be perfect, that I was going to feel like myself again, but I didn’t feel like… Anything. For a while.” 

“How so?”

“I don’t know, there were just holes I had to start filling again.” 

“How long were you there? I only heard you were back way after the fact.”

“God, uh, I think like six or seven months…” 

“It felt like an eternity.” 

“It really did. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out when I got back.”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“I ignored you though.”

“I didn’t reach out.”

“Okay, maybe we’re both to blame here.” 

“Maybe we are.” 

“Why didn’t you reach out though?”

“I was scared you didn’t want anything to do with me. We never talked about what was going to happen _after_ we you got out and I assumed since you had been back so long that you didn’t-- Ugh, god it’s really stupid,” David laughed, rubbing his face with his hands. 

“Wait, no what was the reason?” Matteo pushed, he had gotten closer to David now and he could feel the boys warmth next to him. His mind agonized, unsure if he should tell Matteo the truth. 

“Are you sure?”

“I think so.”

There was a moment of silence, David couldn’t even hear the music from his phone as the only thing that took up his mind was Matteo.

“I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”

“I don’t think I could ever stop loving you.” 

David swore he felt his heart skip a beat, “I never did.”  

The smallest smile pulled its way onto Matteo’s lips, David decided then that there was nothing he wanted more in the world than to be the only man that Matteo wanted to be with.

“So where does this put us?” Matteo asked, there was a caution to his voice despite his smile. David was familiar with it, he was all in if David was.

“I think…” He trailed off, biting down on his lip as he thought about what he wanted. “I really want to be with you, Matteo. Maybe just keep it at baby steps for a while?”

“I can do that.” 

“Okay, cool.”

“We have all the time in the world anyway.”

The next song came on, it was one that David had added for the sole purpose of slow dancing with Matteo if he had the opportunity. And surprisingly, that opportunity had come. There was nothing but vocals and soft guitar strumming at the start. David stood up from the floor and offered his hand out to Matteo. 

_It’s all here. Now, it’s all here._

“May I have this dance, Mr. Florenzi?” David asked, unable to help the grin on his face.

“And I’m the one living in a rom-com?”

“I’m being a good date and indulging your fantasies.” With that, Matteo took his hand and David pulled him up from the floor. Matteo’s arms found their way around his neck, letting David’s rest around his waist loosely. Matteo rested his chin on David’s shoulder and they started to sway slowly. The music filled the room, David could hear it so clearly along right along with Matteo’s heartbeat. 

Around them, the bright blue cord made an appearance once more. David had never paid much attention when it had appeared previously, but over Matteo’s shoulder he saw as the thread slowly faded into existence. It snaked its way around the living room carefully, making distinct paths around the picnic, the coffee table, circling where Matteo and him danced until either end lifted off the ground and connected to their pinkies. 

_You do not have to leave, or go out walking too._

“Matteo?” David whispered softly.

“Yeah?”

“Do you see it too?”

“Yeah.”

David took a shaky breath as he saw the thread start to glow, dimly at first. The sapphire blue thread shimmered, the light starting to fight against the warm glow of the living room lamp. He thought about the stories from his youth, the string of fate never acted up, it was clear and precise. Always just a fateful red string. 

But the stories he knew from his friends were different, all with the same bright, glowing thread. Leonie and Sara recounted a warm spring night after they had just seen a play. Linn and Laura spoke of a lazy Sunday morning with breakfast in bed. Abdi and Sam always talked about how they were at the beach and the sun was setting. With the help of the thread, they knew. 

There had been so many moments before this one where David knew for a fact that Matteo was his soulmate. 

_Now, it’s all right. Now, it’s always been right._

Their first pride together, the day Matteo left for inpatient, when David met Mama Florenzi for the very first time, the morning they talked about what they would do if they had other soulmates even. Every memory that David had of his relationship with Matteo was treasured by him, each one was just more proof to him that yes, soulmates were real. 

Soulmates were real and that was fine.

“David?” Matteo pulled back just enough so they could look at each other, the light from the thread was reflecting off of Matteo’s eyes which just made them look like the sea.

“Yeah?” David felt his heart start to race.

“I love you.” Matteo’s voice was low, it almost blended in with the music. There was nothing in his eyes or his voice that expected him to say anything back. Matteo was always giving without expecting anything in return.

“I love you too.” David whispered back. He knew that he should be overjoyed, but there was the terrible voice in the back of his head that kept whispering that he didn’t deserve this. 

_I know you’re in my mind. And you are everything._

* * *

They had spent most of the day in bed, one of those days where neither felt good, they were fortunate enough for it to land on a Sunday. David was worse off than Matteo was though, he had been in his head since he had woken up, unable to move past it.

“What’s going on?” Matteo had whispered in his ear as he moved. He positioned himself better so he could be spooning David. His movements were careful, just below the end of his ribs, avoiding his chest. 

“Just don’t feel like being seen today,” he whispered back softly.

“Do you want me to go home then?” 

David shook his head, taking Matteo’s hand and gripping it tightly. He couldn’t find the words even though they were so simple. _Don’t leave._ They were right there. At least he knew his actions would convey his feelings.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Matteo asked. 

“It’s dumb.”

“It’s not dumb if it’s bothering you, David.”

“I’m just having a day where I feel like people will know.”

“Know what?”

“Everything.”

Without warning, there were soft lips against the back of his neck, causing a shiver to run down his spine. He wanted to ask what he had done to deserve this tenderness but he didn’t want to risk it ending. Matteo’s arms tightened around David, a familiar gesture that they used for each other when they needed to be brought back to reality. 

Sometimes they didn’t need words, which David appreciated deeply. There was no way for Matteo to know what he went through but he didn’t need that. Any reaction was sympathetic, Matteo never pretended to understand or pretended that he knew what David felt like. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I don’t think so.”

Matteo’s fingers found their way into David’s hair, just gently playing with it. It had come out during their relationship that sometimes David had bad days, just like Matteo’s. At first it felt different because it wasn’t as frequent, David could swallow the pain easier, but the more time passed, the more he realized that he had been hurting for a while. He just didn’t acknowledge it. He had been struggling on and off with going to therapy in the past, Matteo made him promise to start going to the counseling center at the college.

He didn’t want too, but he promised Matteo he would find time to make an appointment. David hadn’t looked though, he had been too scared. When David got like this, they didn’t leave the apartment. He usually just stayed in bed, wrapping himself up in all of Matteo’s blankets. 

Sometimes, if David was able to vocalize his problems, Matteo would target the source of the pain the best he could. They had agreed that if one of them could put words to their feelings, the other was allowed to do whatever he believed would work to make the pain subside for the time being, within comfort and reason.

“Matteo?”

“Mm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” There was a pause in his breathing, “what’s going on, David?”

“I just feel like I’m losing myself a little I guess.”

“Why’s that?”

“Things have been so… Consistent, and I guess that’s freaking me out a little bit.”

“Because you haven’t run away?”

“Because things are good and I’m afraid the longer they stay this way the closer it gets to falling apart because of something I did.”

“I highly doubt you could ever do anything that terrible.”

“I ignored you and left you on read all the time, and I told you I wasn’t into you and yet you still fell in love with me. That feels a little too good to be true.”

“You were going through your own shit, you needed to process however you needed too.”

David stayed quiet for a while, he had bitten down on his lip hard and could feel his eyes stinging, threatening to overflow. He hated crying, it made him feel weak, it made him think people would take pity on him that he didn’t need. David carefully twisted himself around in Matteo’s arms, turning just to stare directly in his clean blue eyes. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever gotten past it.”

“Cause you still have bad feelings?”

“Yeah.”

“I do too,” Matteo’s voice was low and slightly shaky, like he had something of his own that he was hiding. “That doesn’t mean we haven’t improved. Recovery isn’t linear.”

“I guess you’re right.” 

“Of course I’m right. I’ve never been wrong at anything in my life.”

“You failed a test you cheated on.”

“I just had to re-sit it. We’ve been over it, I was very distracted at that time.” Matteo leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to David’s lips. It wasn’t the first intimate contact that they had that day, but it was the first that David had actively participated in. Most of the softness had come from light, fleeting kisses on exposed skin from Matteo. His fingertips tracing lines on all of David’s features as though he was trying to create a mental map of all the parts he loved most about David. 

“I could use some distracting now.”

“Are you sure? Like, absolutely want to do that right now?”

“I wouldn’t suggest it if I wasn’t serious.” David pushed himself up from the bed, straddling his waist with ease. Matteo was already pliant underneath him and he couldn’t help but laugh. Their hands found each other, fingers interlacing, David knew he was gripping tightly. He was afraid if he let go all of it would disappear. “Thank you, Matteo.” 

“You don’t have to thank me, I’m just being a good boyfriend.”

They shared a look, a silent agreement that they didn’t need to speak anymore for now. They had each other. David rolled his eyes and leaned down to kiss Matteo, letting himself get lost in the closeness they shared.

* * *

As David walked home, he thought about the date. For the first time in weeks, he was walking without music. He had tried, but it was that terrible ‘ _oh shit I’m in love_ ’ phenomenon where no matter what song he put on, no matter what genre of music, he was still able to link everything he thought about back to Matteo. All that occupied his mind was that dumb, chaotic, beautiful boy who had grown so much. He had grown past David and became something he had always wanted to be.  

Everything had been so smooth and relaxed. They managed to talk about their relationship, what they wanted, what they expected, and Matteo, as always, was so, so patient with David even though he didn’t deserve it at all. 

On his walk home, he couldn’t help but notice every little romantic detail in the world around him. He saw soulmate rings on couples, he saw more wedding ads that he had seen in his whole life, and every store that he walked by had some special couples sale or celebration going on. It was early October, so why were they all going all out like it was Valentines Day?

He couldn’t figure out why he felt so scared. He didn’t want to pull back, he wanted to stay and be happy, he wanted to be able to love Matteo with everything in his heart. But there was that voice in his head no longer whispering, just chanting that he didn’t deserve love. With shaky hands, David pulled his phone from his pocket and automatically called Laura. 

“Hey, I know it’s really late but can I come over?” He asked, he knew that she could hear the shake in his voice, she could tell how he was feeling just off of a text message. There was no reason to try and hide his feelings from his sister.

“Do you need me to pick you up?”

“That’d be great.”

“Give me the location and I’ll be there in fifteen.”

Waiting was always the worst, it didn’t matter if he was waiting for Laura to come pick him up or if it was the waiting he had to do while Matteo was in inpatient. Any kind of waiting made David antsy. In an attempt to distract himself, he decided to watch the people enjoying a late Saturday night around him. There was a couple that had walked by him, the woman was speaking very animatedly in English, gesticulating excitedly and the man nodded, looking as though he hung off her every word. Waiting nearby at a bus stop there was a gay couple, one of them was playing music off their phone and they were just dancing in their own little world while they waited for the bus. 

When Laura finally arrived, David felt as though he had seen every successful relationship in Berlin walk past him and he felt like he was carrying the weight of the universe on his shoulders. He climbed into the car and sank into the passenger seat. David noticed the music in the car was low, but it was upbeat and it was motown music, which was always Laura’s go to when she was trying to cheer David up.

“So what’s the deal?” Laura asked, pulling away from the curb.

“Okay, so… We’re not really on the… Me denying soulmates thing anymore,” David started. 

“Oh, good, thank god, this was getting exhausting,” she laughed. “You still sound like you’re about to have a breakdown though, so… What’s bothering now?”

“Why did the universe make _me_ Matteo’s soulmate?” He asked, knowing that Laura would laugh at him and that she wouldn’t have an answer to his question.

“David,” she started, there was a sudden sadness in her voice that wasn’t there before. “You’re a wonderful, sweet guy. You have so much to give in life and in love.”

“I’m also a wreck whose parents abandoned him,” he sighed, staring out the window. He watched the city blur as they drove through Berlin. 

“Hey, no. They didn’t abandon you, you abandoned them because they didn’t get that having kids meant unconditional love and support no matter what.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I’m so deeply broken that I think they were right.”

“They weren’t right about anything they said, David.” 

There was silence in the car, the only sound was from the speakers where Smokey Robinson’s I Second That Emotion was spilling through with ease. David didn’t know what to say to Laura, he knew that she went through it with their parents as well. She seemed to be doing better though. They never really talked about them, because it hurt too much to think about how their parents essentially kicked David out. 

But Laura didn’t have to cut off from them, and she did. She did that for David and he didn’t think he’d ever get past the guilt he felt for cutting Laura off from their parents. 

“I just don’t know why the universe decided to put a super broken person with someone who…” David exhaled slowly, looking down at himself in Matteo’s clothes. “I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I deserve him.”

“When’s your next appointment with Angie?” 

“I think it’s next week.”

“Okay, you should talk to her more about this.”

“You don’t think I already have?”

“Well, even _more_ then.”

“I just don’t know what talking is going to do to help anymore. I feel like I’ve talked everything out and I’m still… Like _this._ ” 

Laura sighed, pulling the car over to a curb. She turned and looked at David, poking at his cheek gently to get him to look at her. He turned and for the first time that night he saw her, she looked exhausted. Her hair was up in a messy bun and she was in her pajamas. He had been so selfish again, just thinking about himself and what he needed. Not what Laura needed.

“David Schreibner, you are a wonderful young man, but if you don’t talk through your problems with people, you’re going to become a very sad, bitter, shell of the person you could be,” her voice was firm as she spoke, not in a parenting way, but in a very ‘I’m your older sister, you should listen to me’ way. “Be honest with him at the very least. Go to your therapist. You’re not a burden, but you _are_ being a dumbass.” 

David could only nod in response, he felt tears stinging his eyes and he quickly wiped them away.

“Do you want to stay the night or go home?”

“Stay the night?”

“Okay.” Laura smiled a little to herself as she pulled away from the curb, reaching across the center and taking David’s hand in hers to give it a gentle squeeze. “It’ll be okay.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.” David let out a sigh and pulled out his phone, bringing up his text conversation with Matteo, which was the most recent one he’d been having. It took way too long to type out the initial message, there were so many spelling errors from how his hands were shaking. He didn’t want to hurt Matteo, he couldn’t bear the thought of doing this to him again.

 

 **David** **  
**_Hey, can I have some space for a little while?_ _I need to think about things._

 

 **Matteo** **  
** _Yeah, of course_

 

 **David  
** _I’m not running away, I promise._

 

 **Matteo  
** _I’m here.  
_ _That means you’ve got all the time in the world._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many thank you's coming for this chapter like !! Oof, yeah. 
> 
> Thank you to all my friends for all the help they gave with this chapter, any feedback that I got or just generally support through writing this was amazing and genuinely super appreciated. 
> 
> Super big thanks to Mika for suggesting music to me for their date scene that really helped write it and shape it out. 
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter took a little longer, I hope you still enjoy it just as much. Looking for a job has taken up a lot of my life but this has been nice to come back to and just distract myself from the world. I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and it lived up to any expectations you had. 
> 
> If you have any questions or want to talk about the fic, message me @filmictrans on tumblr!  
> Comments, kudos, and criticism are always appreciated!!


	6. Surely to the Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It always happened when he least expected it too. The fear would find its hold inside him and claw at his ribs and his lungs and his heart until he caved, letting himself be overtaken. Angie said this was normal, that fear wasn’t a bad thing, in fact it could be healthy. But she also said that he had an affinity with running away. He wasn’t sure where to find the truth. He knew it lay somewhere in the middle, but David couldn’t help but feel like nothing had ever changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: In-depth description of a depressive episode
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the chapter and if you have any thoughts, opinions, criticisms please let me know !! Comment or reach out to me on Tumblr because I know I'm dealing with very sensitive topics here and I want to be handling them with care. If you feel I'm not please let me know.

It always happened when he least expected it too. The fear would find its hold inside him and claw at his ribs and his lungs and his heart until he caved, letting himself be overtaken. Angie said this was normal, that fear wasn’t a bad thing, in fact it could be healthy. But she also said that he had an affinity with running away. He wasn’t sure where to find the truth. He knew it lay somewhere in the middle, but David couldn’t help but feel like nothing had ever changed. 

He was never one to ascribe to the “my significant other changed me” train of thought, but Matteo had made him better. Matteo had made him less afraid, even though they were… Whatever they were now, David still felt like he was alone. 

When fear took David, he isolated. He hid away in his room, he ignored the people that cared about him, he would go for long walks at night with his phone nearly dead, knowing that maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing if he got lost in Berlin and never found his way back home. Isolation was a protective shell that did nothing to protect David but he felt like it protected the people he loved. They didn’t need to see him like this, eyes dark from lack of sleep, in the same clothes that he borrowed from Matteo during their indoor picnic.

He didn’t act like himself when he had fear living inside his chest. 

It couldn’t be helped, he didn’t care what Angie or Laura or anyone else said. There were just moments in time where this was who he was. Where he was bitter, nasty, and full of so much self-hatred. This was normal for him. 

And he could hear Matteo’s voice, somewhere in the back of his head, barely a whisper that begged David to let him in.

This was the worst it had ever been though, David knew that. He didn’t know why either. At the start it didn’t feel different from any other depressive spiral he had in the past but the more it pushed on, the worse it got. 

Saturday night with Laura and Linn was difficult. Laura asked David questions, she was trying to help him process his thoughts. It didn’t go well. At some point Linn dragged Laura off to bed, but she came back out at one point, disappearing into the kitchen. 

When she reappeared there was a mug of tea in her hands that she handed to David. Linn looked at him after he took it, it was a look that David had come to know well since Linn wasn’t much of a talker. She was asking permission to give him a hug. David just gave a small nod in reply, letting her wrap her arms around him and give him a tight squeeze. Somehow Linn was one of the best people to receive a hug from even if she wasn’t a very tactile person. She gave him a kiss on the top of his head. 

“Be patient with yourself,” she whispered to him, then disappeared back into the bedroom. 

He didn’t sleep that night. 

Sunday was difficult because Laura hovered. She drove him back to the apartment, she had walked him up, and sat in his living room, talking with Amira for hours. David laid in his bed, barely moving. He cried, or at least he thought he cried by the way his eyes would well up with tears, his chest would tighten, and he couldn’t breath but it would pass. She would come and check in on him every so often, but he wouldn’t answer. If David had more energy, he knew he would have snapped at her and said something he regretted. He could hear as Amira and Laura talked through the walls, they had a nice place but insulation was unfortunately not the strong suit of the building. They talked for hours before Amira eventually kicked Laura out, saying that she had to study. 

She didn’t.

Instead, she came into his room and sat next to David on the bed. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t do anything, she just waited. He stayed still on the bed, unable to move or reach out. He knew he needed something but he couldn’t put it into words, he couldn’t even think about what that thing might’ve been. The only words in David’s head were a bitter, insistent chant of “ _the universe was wrong, you’re not enough._ ” Over and over and over and over. He felt like he was going to go crazy.

Eventually Amira left but at the door she paused and said, “if there’s anything I can do, let me know.” 

Later that evening David called his boss, unable to speak louder than a whisper, asking if he could call out for the week. He said that his shoulders and chest had started to hurt, the doctor told him to rest.

His boss didn’t question him on it. He just told David to rest and that he would find someone to cover his shifts. David didn’t think he deserved that care, he deserved to get fired for his negligence. 

Monday he didn’t leave the room once. Amira left early in the morning but before she left she came back into David’s room and left him a water bottle and some fruit. He ignored her. He hadn’t slept the night before and he could feel the ache in his bones that came from trying to fall asleep but being completely, utterly unable too. Once he was sure that Amira had left, he got up and walked around his room. It didn’t really feel like his space though. When he got like this, nothing felt like his, he didn’t feel like he belonged.

Life was a big movie that the universe directed and David had no say in what his role was, but it felt like he had been put near center stage, which didn’t feel right. It especially didn’t feel right when he knew he was nothing more than an extra in a single scene. He wasn’t supposed to be anything more than someone to copy homework off of. 

But the universe kept trying to tell him “ _no, you’re important, you are a part of this story_.” He didn’t agree.

As the day pushed on David made sure to drink the water bottle Amira had left. He also moved things around his room, he threw stuff out, but it wasn’t cleaning, he was trying to hide any sign of who he was from himself. He didn’t like to think about the guy he could be when he was nowhere near that guy. A bright smile, happy eyes, well rested, _in love_. That David deserved everything, he was a loving boyfriend, a supportive brother, someone his friends turned too when they needed support. But David didn’t feel like he knew him, That David had managed to get better and stay better. He was a parallel universe version of himself.

When he heard Amira come home, David crawled back into bed and hid under the covers. He wanted nothing more than to just sink into his bed, he wanted to be swallowed whole and erased from the timeline. He didn’t know what the world would be like without him, but he felt like it would be better.

Around three in the morning on Tuesday, David went up to the roof wrapped in his duvet. The crisp October air hit him hard, pulling him back to reality for a brief moment. He wondered what he was doing and why he was isolating. It passed though, he remembered that he had an appointment with Angie in the morning.. 

He texted her telling her that he had gotten food poisoning. She couldn’t disprove it.

David sat on the roof and watched the sunrise, Sufjan Stevens playing from his phone speakers, The Only Thing keeping him comfort while he let the chill of the air numb his body like his mind had been numbed.

His life played like a movie in his head. He saw everything he didn’t want to see, every memory that he had repressed suddenly became seared into the backs of his eyelids. Each time he blinked he was reminded of something worse. There was no particular order to which he relived the pain, but the fear forced him to remember. It was trying to cite its sources on why David deserved to be alone and why he needed to run away again.

He saw the time he tried to run away without Matteo, the whole week he spent with his godmother, trying to make himself cry and feel something as she helped him work through his feelings. He left Fürstenberg unsure of what he would do, when he arrived back in Berlin he didn’t reach out. He continued to isolate.

There was the time he came home after Laura had taken him to a gender therapist, he told them that he was going to start testosterone soon and his dad laughed in his face. He told David all the things he wasn’t, and then went to bed. His mom said nothing, just looking at him with disappointment. The next morning his dad gave him the ultimatum, “ _be normal or leave._ ” So he left. 

Another memory that he had forgotten about flickered before him, the first week after Matteo had gone into inpatient. The deep heartbreak he had felt when he realized he didn’t know what was to come, when he realized that Matteo might come back and hate him. With that realization, David had decided that he would distance himself.. Back then he had already decided that Matteo wasn’t going to love him anymore so he would do the work for the both of them. If there was no David to come back too, there would be no extra heartbreak when Matteo told him he didn’t love him anymore.

Before he knew it, the whole day had passed by him and David felt his past weighing him down. His phone had died long ago which meant there was no music to listen to as the sun set over Berlin. The golden yellow glow of the sun illuminated the city everywhere David could see, except where he sat, hidden by the shadows. 

It made sense, there was so much hope, so much potential, so much _love_ down there, but from where David sat he felt like an angel that had lost its wings just waiting to disappear from memory.

On Wednesday, when David finally got back to his room and plugged his phone in, he saw in the sea of notifications that he had gotten a text from Abdi. He was asking if he could come over on Friday to work on their thesis film. David typed “yes” but didn’t send it. Then he fell asleep.

He didn’t wake up again until late in the evening with even more notifications on his phone. There were texts from Laura, Amira, Abdi, Sara, even Jonas and Carlos all checking in to see if he was okay, that they hadn’t heard from him, that _no one_ had heard for him or seen him. He went out into the living room, making sure to bring the plate of slowly rotting fruit to throw away. Amira saw him, there was a split second where relief took her face.

“What can I do?” Her voice was so gentle but he could hear the tension in it, she was afraid to do anything that might break him even more. 

David felt himself take a nervous deep breath, he could feel himself shaking and he shrugged. He didn’t know what to do, he was afraid to use his voice, he hadn’t used it since Sunday night. He wasn’t even sure if it worked anymore. 

When Thursday came David left the room in the morning with his laptop, but he only moved to the couch in the living room. He put Queer Eye on his laptop, hoping that maybe if he watched other people bettering themselves, he would be able to find the motivation to do the bare minimum and take care of himself.

He hadn’t heard Amira leave in the morning, when she walked through the door in the afternoon with Kiki by her side, she quickly turned and told her to leave. She would text her later. 

“What’re we doing?” Amira asked as she sat down on the couch next to David, though it wasn’t really a question if David wanted company. He was going to get it whether he wanted it or not. He just pointed to the computer to show the episode of Queer Eye. He still couldn’t speak.

They sat on the couch for a while, Amira ordered take away, passing her phone to David so he would put in what he wanted to eat. He didn’t really pay attention though and just clicked a dish that seemed familiar enough to his brain. When it came, she went downstairs to meet the delivery person. David had paused the show, clearing the notifications off his phone while he waited. He still didn’t have the energy to respond to anyone. He swiped away Instagram, WhatsApp, text messages, emails, anything that was on his screen until he only had one left.

It was a voice message from Matteo that he couldn’t be bothered to listen too. David felt like he was letting Matteo down. But he opened it and took a deep breath before pressing play.

“ _Hey, I heard from Amira that you’re not doing well right now. Call your therapist, David. Also, I looked it up and I’m a twenty minute bus ride away so if you just want to have company let me know. No pressure though._ ” 

David fought back the tears in his eyes. He could feel tightness in his throat and he nodded himself, as though he was trying to convince himself that it was okay to respond. “Hey,” he started, he heard his voice crack, he heard his voice but it didn’t sound like his own voice. It felt distant, like someone else was talking through him. “Thanks. I’ll let you know. I’d like to see you soon, do you maybe want to get coffee Wednesday?” He pressed send.

After that he opened up his texts from Angie, there were five that he had left unread since Tuesday. He didn’t bother to read them. As he was drafting up a message to her Amira came back and sat down on the couch, setting the food on the coffee table.

“More Queer Eye?”

David gave her a small nod and leaned into Amira’s side. She let him which he was grateful for. He needed it. They watched for a little longer, deciding to skip over the episode with Skylar Jay even though it was one they both loved. She made him eat some of the food he had gotten and drink some water, then forced him to go to bed. For the first time in a week, he managed to have an uneventful sleep.

 

* * *

 

Friday afternoon finally came and David waited patiently in the living room. Abdi was coming over, Amira would be there at some point, he would be okay. They wouldn’t let him be alone. There was a guilt that weighed on his chest that made it difficult to breath though. His friends shouldn’t have to take care of him, he was twenty-two after all, he was an adult. But he still needed to be looked after like he was a child though apparently. He was taking up space he didn’t need to take up which made guilt begin to build inside his chest.

The bell finally rang after what felt like a lifetime of waiting, David got up from the couch slowly and buzzed Abdi up. He still couldn’t find it to speak over a whisper, he hoped it wouldn’t be too annoying to either of his friends. He unlocked the door and went to sit back down on the couch, texting Abdi that the door was open. It was hard to ignore the impulse that he had to text Abdi and say “ _don’t come up, I’m still not feeling well._ ” David knew he wouldn’t buy it and he had already let him into the building, if Abdi needed he would wait outside the apartment until Amira came home to be let in.  

When Abdi walked through the door he had a grocery bag in one hand and a big, goofy smile on his face. His ability to stay happy despite whatever was going on around him was a wonderful thing, Abdi was oddly one of the most stable people in their group of friends. He was one of the most well put together individuals that David knew.

“I’m not going to ask how you are because I know you’re not doing well,” Abdi said as he plopped down on the couch next to David. “I brought movies and snacks and Amira said she was picking up halal on the way back.”

David could only muster a nod.

“Also, I told professors that you’d been put on bedrest for top surgery stuff, no one asked any more questions, but you do have to send out some emails with explanations or something,” Abdi said as he started to unpack the grocery bag. There was a stack of six movies, David caught the titles on the spines of the boxes and instantly knew they were all very bad buddy cop comedies, but he didn’t mind. He needed that kind of mind numbing. 

“Thanks,” he finally managed. The dryness in his voice was obvious. 

“Becker did want to know if you’d be good to do the film shoot next week though,” Abdi said, “do you think you’ll be okay enough to go do that?”

“I’m depressed, not stupid,” David laughed, “I thought about emailing him on Monday telling him to find someone else but I didn’t.”

“Cool,” Abdi threw a bag of Haribo gummies and settled into the couch. “So… Movies or do you want to talk about what’s going on?”

“I don’t really know,” David admitted, pulling his hood up over his head. He had been wrapping himself in blankets and sweaters lately, trying to give himself physical comfort in the hopes that it would ease the pain in his mind. 

“Well, I’m not really the advice kind of guy,” Abdi said, “but don’t feel bad that you don’t feel happy right now. Or that you don’t think you can be happy for a while.”

“But it’s affecting my friends and the people I care about.”

“Just don’t shut us out, dude. You need to take care of yourself first. Your wellbeing matters too.”

There was a moment of silence that was only broken by Abdi opening his bag of gummy bears. David decided to open his own as well but he didn’t take any out to eat. 

“How do you do it?” David asked.

“Do what?”

“Stay happy.”

“I don’t,” Abdi laughed. “I’m just like any other gen Z, millennial, whatever we are. I’ve still got problems and anxieties and I’m never always happy but… I don’t know, I never felt like anyone wasn’t going to be there for me.”

“Huh.”

“I’ve definitely had times that have been worse than others, but just knowing that I’d always have my boys really helped.” 

“You’re never getting rid of me,” David said, smiling for the first time in days. 

“Good, cause you’re never getting rid of me either. Now, movie time?”

“Hell yeah.”

 

* * *

 

Both of them had been having a night where they couldn’t sleep. David had drifted in and out for hours while he practically laid on top of Matteo who couldn’t sleep at all. He had spent the majority of the night watching dumb YouTube videos, and eventually, Matteo just gave up and stared at the ceiling. Every now and again, they would talk. They were dumb questions like if water was wet, why did the passage of time feel so weird to actively experience, what was the best way to have coffee. But now they had landed on a deep, emotional talk and David could see the first rays of daylight peaking through Matteo’s windows.

“If we’re not each other’s soulmates,” Matteo’s voice was quiet, there was nervousness in it. Like he was scared of the topic. His fingers were tangled in David’s hair, gently stroking it over and over. “What would you do?”

“If you weren’t my soulmate?” David looked up at him, unsure if he was hearing him right. He was sleep deprived after all.

“Yeah, that was the question,” Matteo laughed.

“I mean, I don’t know,” David sighed and took Matteo’s free hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. “You know how I feel about fate.”

“Okay, and what if the whole string of fate thing proves you wrong?” Matteo asked, giving his hair a gentle tug. “Just entertain me with this, okay?”

“Alright, alright,” David rolled his eyes. “I think if I had another soulmate I… Wouldn’t care. Like, maybe I’d try to make another kind of emotional connection with them, like creatively or like… Try and make a friendship or something.”

“You wouldn’t care about your other soulmate?”

“I mean, I would. I would, I think it’d be interesting to like… Have another soulmate just cause y’know it doesn’t _have_ to mean romantically,” David offered. He had never thought too deeply about soulmates because he didn’t believe in them. But it didn’t make sense that they had to be romantic.

“I’m tired, can you explain?”

“So,” David took a deep breath, “it doesn’t make sense that it has to be romantically. Cause there are people who date and fall deeply in love all the time without having a soulmate. Like look at Hans, him and Leo are just, the grossest, cutest couple. And they’re so in love. I don’t think Hans would break up with him just because like… Say Andi was his soulmate, y’know? Why couldn’t someone’s soulmate be someone they worked really well with? Or someone they were meant to be best friends with?”

“Huh,” Matteo’s hands paused in David’s hair. He could tell the other was thinking, his face scrunched up a little bit, his eyes darted about like he was trying to visually track his thoughts though there was nothing in front of him except a blank ceiling. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“I just know that it doesn’t matter if the universe has other plans for me,” David explained, unsure if he was making sense. He shifted himself so that he was facing Matteo now. He rested his hands on his chin on his chest and took both of Matteo’s hands in his own. “I think, even without my whole ‘fate is bullshit’ thing, I decided a very long time ago that no one else but me was going to have any say over what I did or who I became.” 

“Wow.” Matteo’s breathing was slow and deliberate, David knew that sleep was taking him but he wanted to keep talking because he was taking ten seconds to process every thought. “That’s really beautiful.” 

“What about you? What would you do if you had a different soulmate?” David asked, his voice soft. He could feel his heart start to pick up, nervous about what Matteo would say.

“Well, the way I’ve always looked at it is like… My parents were soulmates, right?” 

David gave a small nod. 

“And my dad was absolutely terrible, like, why would the universe pair him with my mom. She’s the kindest, most gentle person, and she has her problems but like, we all do. And my dad was too much of a coward to be the man she deserved.”

“And so?” David pressed, he could see that Matteo was starting to drift off each time he tried to find the words to say, but he had become invested in the conversation quickly once he realized that it was something important to Matteo.

“So soulmates are like… Important. They always have been, but you can’t be sure of what your experience being in love with them will be like. And watching my mom and dad fall out of love made me think maybe we have multiple soulmates, y’know?” Matteo squeezed David’s hands, his gaze fixated on the ceiling as he spoke. “There can’t be just one person out there for everyone because the universe can’t judge character or how someone’s experiences in life are going to shape them. What kind of person that makes them. Which thinking about it, might work with your theory.”

“Basically soulmates and the whole soul thing is separate from like, who the world makes you?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“What’s that mean for us then?”

“It means that…” Matteo took a moment to think again. “Okay, I found the words. Even if I had another soulmate, even if you weren’t my soulmate, you were just the guy that I was absolutely in love with, I wouldn’t care. You’re the one I love, David. I can’t imagine being in love with anyone else. Nothing’s going to change that.”

David couldn’t help the grin that pulled at his lips. “I love you too, Matteo.” He brought a hand to his boyfriends cheek and kissed him slowly, the sunlight streaming through the window brightly. He pulled back, “should we sleep now?”

“God, please.”

“Alright,” David gave him one more kiss before pushing himself off the bed. He crossed the room and shut Matteo’s curtains and then fell right back into bed next to him. “Goodnight, babe.”

“It’s the morning,” Matteo grumbled as he wrapped himself around David much like a koala wrapped around a tree. 

“Good _morning_ , babe,” he teased, pressing a kiss to Matteo’s forehead. “Sweet dreams.”

The only response he got was a soft snore from Matteo.

 

* * *

 

“I don’t want to open it,” David said. Despite his nerves, he was still trying to hide his nerves. He stared at the letter as it sat in the center of the small dining table between him and Amira. 

“Why did she send a letter?” Amira asked, she was curious which was fair, but David didn’t know how to explain it. He had barely told anyone about what happened when he came out. He didn’t like to talk about it.

“I don’t know. I haven’t talked to her in years. I don’t know.” 

“Do you want…” Amira trailed off, leaning on her elbows on the table. David couldn’t tell if she was looking at him or at the letter. “Do you want to throw it away?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to open it?”

David hesitated. Maybe that would work, maybe he should just let Amira open it and read it and let him know what it said. He didn’t want to deal with it, he didn’t want to deal with his mother, he wanted to be his own person without his past coming back to haunt him. But that same hopeful voice whispered in the back of his head that maybe, just maybe this was fate working in a strange way. He should trust that there was something important here to discover.

“Should I tell Laura first? Like, I think I know what she’d say but… Maybe it might help me decide?”

“What would be best for you, David?” Amira asked, her voice was gentle. She rested her hands down on the table with her palms up and motioned with her fingers for him to put his hands in hers. “C’mon, think for a moment about what you really want. Make a decision today.”

He sighed and brought his hands up to hers, setting them on top carefully. 

“Close your eyes.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he teased but he did as he was told. “I think I want to read it. Just to see what she says. But I’m afraid it’ll make me feel worse. I didn’t leave the apartment today because I saw I had it, reading might put me back how I was at the start of the week.”

“They’re just words, habibi,” Amira’s voice was calming. David had no clue how she was always able to keep her composure, he had never seen Amira crack before. “And even if they do, you’ve got me and Abdi and we can call over whoever else you want to hang out with and we can… I don’t know, burn the letter or something.”

David laughed, giving Amira’s hands a squeeze back. “Okay, you’re right.” He opened his eyes, looking back down at the letter. He picked it up gingerly, he noticed that the address on the corner was different than the one he had lived as a kid. They had moved. David wondered how recent that had been. His thumb tucked carefully under the edge and tore it open, he didn’t want to damage it any more than he had too. He took the letter out slowly, he could already tell it was written on nice stationary. That was his mom’s staple in his head, she was very detail oriented, she loved writing letters to people. She said it was more personal that way. She always played classical music when she wrote letters and he could hear it in his head now.

He set the folded piece of paper down on the table and took a deep breath. 

“It’s okay,” Amira promised, “do you want me to read it?”

David nodded and slid the letter across the table to Amira. 

“Read it out loud please?”

“Of course.”

David closed his eyes again, holding his head in his hands. He wasn’t sure if he was ready, though he knew he couldn’t have ever prepared for the mere idea of his mom reaching out, much less a letter.

 

_Dear David,_

_I know this must be startling for you. I’ve been wanting to reach out for a very long time now but I was afraid. I know that how I behaved in the past was very irresponsible, I let your father make all the decisions. I didn’t allow you to educate us, we didn’t give you the space you needed to become the person that you needed to be._

_In not respecting one of our children, we lost both of you and I couldn’t forgive your dad for that for the longest time. He didn’t understand that you were confident that this was who you were, he didn’t trust you to know yourself which was foolish._

_Even from a young age, every choice you made, you made that choice with purpose. You never once hesitated, you never backed down, and when you were faced with negativity and disappointment (either from the world or yourself) you still persisted. You always took fate by the shoulders and said “not today” and created your own narrative. It was stupid of us to think that you didn’t know yourself well enough to make this choice for yourself._

_You always knew yourself better than either of us ever could have and I’ve never been prouder, David._

_I’m hoping that this can be an olive branch, though I understand if you don’t want to respond. What we did, what_ I _did was awful. I let your father make the decisions about how we were going to raise you both because I was scared, even though I didn’t agree with him. And I’m not saying that to excuse my actions, it wasn’t okay and I should have been a better mother to you and Laura._

_If you ever wish to reconnect, I’m here, Mäuschen. I still love you very deeply and I can’t express the guilt I feel for missing out on so much of your life. I don’t live with your father anymore, he’s in no way connected to me now. I want to make things right with you, but don’t feel pressured to reply._

_Create your story, David. This is still your life after all._

_Love,  
_ _Mom_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has been patient with me through getting this chapter out, I know they all come later than expected and I'm really sorry about that.
> 
> Thank you to all my friends who dealt with me while I wrote this chapter, this one was particularly difficult to write because of the subject matter. Mental health is extremely important and it's a good topic to write about but it's got to be handled with care and I hope I did it justice. 
> 
> BIG, BIG, BIG thank you (literally as always) to Lily for helping me out with this chapter, she's a literal goddess, go check out her work @LaStrega here.
> 
> If you have any questions or want to talk about the fic, message me @filmictrans on tumblr!  
> Comments, kudos, and criticism are always appreciated!!


	7. Darling so it Goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think you should go see Rebekka,” Laura said finally.
> 
> David frowned, “why?”
> 
> “She helps ground you. She makes you less stupid. And I’m not…” Laura trailed off. Mom. She wasn’t his mom. Laura was just his older sister, she was supportive but it wasn’t her job to be the support of a parent. “I just think that getting out of Berlin will be good for you, and you can go help Rebekka at the shop and in return for me being an absolutely amazing, chill sister you can bring me back some new plants.”
> 
> David shifted from foot to foot, feeling the nerves building up inside him again.
> 
> “Just for a couple of days, I think it’d be good for you.”
> 
> “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Depression/Depressive episode discussion

There’s something weird about being back in Angie’s office after deliberately ignoring his therapist for two weeks straight. He had wanted to see her, but in the way one might want to see family. Nice in theory, terrible in practice. Finally though, he had caved. The voice message from Matteo had planted the seed in his head but it was Amira and Abdi that pushed him to reach out to Angie. If it hadn’t been for them, he probably wouldn’t have gone back to therapy and that was a terrifying thought.

Angie’s office had changed since he had last been there. She had gotten a new chair for herself, it looked comfortable and like a real chair, as opposed to the one that had been pulled from a 1940’s Disney animation. There was also a new yellow couch as opposed to the old blue one, which David wasn’t too keen on. It almost made him want to sit on the yoga ball, but when he moved to sit there, there was no yoga ball anymore. He sat down on the new couch. Things with Angie were always changing. Whether it was her office or her appearance, nothing was ever too consistent. Change like that was okay. 

“Let’s talk about what happened last week,” Angie said, the tone in her voice was authoritative. She had a plan for what they were going to talk about. David didn’t feel like he had any room to argue. 

“I… Had a bad week,” David shrugged, staring down at his hands. He had left pretty much everything at home. It was just David, his phone, and a pair of headphones today. Maybe he’d occupy his hands with the zen garden. 

“I know that much, but what kind of bad?” Angie asked.

“I don’t know,” David laughed bitterly, “I just crumbled. Matteo told me he loved me, I think like… The first time we had seriously said ‘I love you’ since we broke up and my brain immediately fell down this ‘you don’t deserve love’ hole. And I stayed there, for a while. And the week passed by in a blur of just, self-hate and pity.” 

“And what pulled you out?”

“My friends. Mostly Amira and Abdi. I still don’t… Feel entirely like I deserve it though, they’re just doing it because they have too.”

“Because they care about you, David.”

“And I don’t know why.”

“Because that’s what we do, at least it’s what good people do. When someone we care about is hurting, we do what we can to support them when they need that support, and even when they don’t need it.” 

David just nodded, his hands were bunched up in tight fists on his lap, knuckles turning white and nails pressing hard into the skin of his palms. He was trying to ground himself in the moment, he wanted to be honest with Angie. 

“Did anything else happen, David?”

“To trigger the depressive spiral or just in general?”

“I’m talking about the spiral but if there’s something else you’d like to talk about…” Angie trailed off, looking at him confused. 

He didn’t want to talk about the letter with Angie, he didn’t even want to talk about it with Laura and it directly affected her, but he knew that it was connected to all of this in a way. His parents were the reason he had these haunting thoughts that told him he wasn’t worthy of love. 

“It’s… kind of related, I guess,” David pulled the carefully folded letter out of his pocket and handed it to Angie. “It’s a letter. From my mom. Apologizing for everything she did.”

He sat back, trying to sink into the couch, wanting to be swallowed whole. He was starting to regret not bringing the sketchbook with him. It had been a rush this morning to get out of the house. It was a miracle he managed to remember his phone or wallet, much less get to Angie.  He had slept too late because he forgot to set his alarm, he accidentally got on the right bus in the wrong direction for two stops, he fell crossing the street and almost got run over by a car. The universe was really messing with him today just to prove that it was real.

But he got there in the end.

“Wow, David, this is…” Angie stood up and handed the letter back to David. He hadn’t looked at it much honestly. Amira read it over once, then David had read it to himself later that night. This was the third time he had looked at the letter since receiving it. “That’s a lot to take in on your own, especially since you had an episode last week. When did that arrive?”

“On Saturday.”

“When you texted me asking if your Tuesday slot was still open.” She had connected the dots. “And you still believe you’re unworthy of love?”

“Yes. No.” He shrugged, unable to look at her. “I’m not sure. I don’t know why I can’t shake it. It’s like every time I try to piece together the root of it, I just… Shut down.”

“Do you ever feel physical stress when you get these thoughts?”

“Uhm, sometimes. Not all the time, but yeah, I’ll feel heavy in my shoulders and my chest.”

“Okay, indulge me for a moment, David.” 

He nodded. He wasn’t sure if he liked where this was going but he could tell that he didn’t have a say in the matter.

“Sit up straight, close your eyes, have both your feet planted firmly planted on the ground, and your hands resting on your thighs.” 

David wanted to argue but he promised Angie he would indulge her. He was willing to try anything right now to feel better. 

“Now I want you to breath in for a count of five, hold it for five, and then breath out for a count of five.”

He gave another small nod, and began to do as he was told. It took a few goes before an effect felt like it set into his mind. There was nothing in his mind, it just felt like an empty space that he was free to fill with whatever. 

“And locate where you feel the anxiety when you start to have those anxious thoughts and do your best to channel that energy out of your body. It’s not a complete fix but it will help a little bit.” 

David let his eyes flutter open and he nodded again. “Okay, yeah, I think I can manage that. It definitely helped clear my head a little which is a pleasant surprise.”

“Alright, good,” Angie smiled. “Do you think you can find the words now? And take your time, David. I wouldn’t start this conversation if I didn’t think we could get somewhere.” 

David nodded and wrung his hands nervously. He wanted to have this conversation with Angie but trying to find the words to fully capture how he was feeling was never easy for David, even when he had time to think about it. When he tried to run away from Matteo in high school he had spent two days writing the dumb ‘underwater’ speech. In hindsight, it was ridiculous but he had been lost back then, he felt like he was alone in the world. He thought it was him against everyone who didn’t see him for who he was.

“When I think about the reasons people deserve the love they get, because they’re kind and smart and would do anything for their friends, it makes sense. If my friends are hurting, my first priority is to make sure they’re okay and ask how I can help,” David explained, speaking slowly like Angie told him too. “But I don’t think I should be a priority because I feel like my stuff is a lot heavier, I shouldn’t burden my friends with my problems.”

“You’re not supposed to carry everything alone,” Angie said.

“I know, I know. It’s not healthy but I can’t help it. They’re my problems, they don’t involve anyone else.” David sighed, looking around Angie’s office for something,  _ anything  _ to draw on. “Do you have some extra paper?”

“When you shut people out it becomes their problem.” She got up and crossed over to her desk, looking through drawers and under books. David just watched, he knew that it would be okay for him to keep talking while she looked but he couldn’t bring himself to keep talking until he had paper. “Ah, there we go.” Angie crossed the room again and handed David a legal pad and some various ballpoint pens. “Would you like me to keep a nicer stuff here if you ever forget it in the future?”

“That’s up to you,” David said as he accepted the legal pad and set it on his lap, getting to work on a new drawing. He didn’t like not being able to erase. It was hard not to erase any lines but he figured that Angie would say this was just a challenge in being confident in his decisions. 

“Shutting people out doesn’t help you or them,” Angie repeated as she sat back down. “What do you think you’re protecting your friends from by not talking to them?”

“I don’t want them to think I’m weak, or that they have to always keep an eye on me, or that I think my problems are worse than theirs. And I don’t want them to think they have to help me either, I’m fine on my own.” 

“You’re on your way to becoming a hermit with that thought process.”

David shrugged, continuing to draw. He had already gotten a messy sketch of a shadowy figure out, with the black pen Angie had given him.

“How did the letter from your mom make you feel, David?” His pen stopped short on the page, pressing hard into the paper. 

“I was really hurt.”

“How come?”

“It felt wrong… It’s been so long since we’ve talked, and I get that it’s hard to like… Be a better person sometimes but she could have done something sooner, she could have been there sooner, she didn’t have to wait,” David mumbled. He had started another figure, this one with the blue ballpoint pen. “I don’t get it, I needed her to be a mom when I was fifteen, I don’t need her to be a mom now.”

Angie didn’t say anything though, David looked up to her for anything but she just gestured for him to continue. He hesitated, he could feel his hand shaking a bit as he continued to draw. 

“I guess it’s a relief. To know she doesn’t hate me, I mean. But I’m hurt still and I don’t know what to do about it because she,” David bit his lip hard and wiped his eyes quickly. “She was supposed to love me no matter what and I can’t help but think there was a time where she didn’t, and if I reach out and I do see her again, she’s going to regret it because I’m so different.” David uncapped the red pen and started to lightly sketch out a single, swooping, swirling line. “When I was a kid, she told me that I got to choose what my life is, like in the letter. She sat me down one day and said to me ‘as you grow, you’re going to learn things about yourself that are going to be scary, and you’re going to have to make choices that make sure that your story is the best one you can live. And no matter what, I’ll love you.’ And that just feels like a lie, I don’t know how to forgive her.”

“You don’t have to forgive her, David. You don’t even have to talk to her. But this letter, this letter is proof that she still trusts your judgement,” Angie comforted, “I think you should use this as a pushing off point. People care about you, they want you to be happy and to share who you are with them.”

“I just don’t like that my family is trying to get back into my life when Laura and I have made it fine on our own,” David said, his voice quiet with fear. 

“Your family isn’t just your blood, it’s the people that you can call your home.”

By the end of the session, David hadn’t worked through all his problems, but he had left with a little bubble of hope inside of him. He left the legal pad and the picture on it with Angie, there were more figures, in black and blue, there were swirling lines of green, red, orange, and pink, all bouncing off of each other, all connecting and knotting together, weaving in and out to create a perfect, messily woven tapestry in between them all. 

As he walked home, he found a spare pair of headphones in his coat pocket and clicked shuffle on a new playlist he had been working on. The songs were a little hopeful, a little wistful, and maybe they reminded him of all his friends. The song that came on, Bloom Later, definitely reminded him of Matteo. Maybe the lyrics didn’t say it but David liked to think that it was about Matteo. About a boy who could shine through the darkest storms, helping David find his way back home.

 

* * *

 

When they were dating, it wasn’t normal for David and Matteo not to get lunch together on a Friday. It had become a little tradition for them, through the chaos of school and work, there was consistency and stability in knowing they for sure had time on Friday’s for lunch. But David had other plans today, he promised to make it up to Matteo that night, Ms. Florenzi was only available at a certain time after all. Sure, the conversation could be had literally any time, any where, and it wasn’t like David was planning on making a big proposal on Christmas or New Years or something, but he had a feeling that within the next year he’d be asking Matteo to marry him. 

David also wasn’t one for tradition but there was something about Matteo that made him feel like he needed to ask his mother if it was okay to marry him. Like he was paying respect to Italian tradition, or maybe David really just wanted to be sure that Mama Florenzi liked him before he committed to a lifelong  _ marriage _ with someone whose mother didn’t like him. And he would, because Matteo mattered more than anything else.

They had gone through the motions of conversation, but the whole time David was distracted. She asked about school, he asked her about work and church, they spoke about the weather briefly. Ms. Florenzi just looked at him with this  _ knowing _ he couldn’t pinpoint. She always knew when something was up. Whenever Matteo or David had big information to share, or they wanted to talk about something important. Matteo had even said that whenever he received texts from his mom it was always in a moment he needed it most. 

“What did you want to talk about, David?” She asked, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Oh, well,” David sat up a little bit straighter, smoothing out his napkin on his lap just to have something to do with his hands. He felt very fidgety all of a sudden and felt like he had to rectify that somehow. “I wanted to talk to you about… Marrying… Matteo…” He forced himself to meet her eyes, only to find them soft and kind, she looked at him with so much love. It was hard to have one on one conversations with Ms. Florenzi because she reminded David so much of his own mother. 

“David, of course, you didn’t have to ask me that,” Ms. Florenzi said. Her voice was warm, he was never nervous speaking to her. Even with a topic as intense as the one currently on the table, even though this time was different. He couldn’t just fondly watch Matteo and his mom talk like he normally did. “I’ve never pegged you for someone keen on tradition.”

“I’m really not. It just felt like the thing to do,” he shrugged.

“Okay, well then, David. You can marry Matteo, you can do whatever you’d like so long as he wants to do it as well,” she smiled at him and David saw where Matteo got his smile from immediately. Everything that made him so uniquely himself, he got from his mom. Both their smiles held the warmth of the world within.

“Thank you, Ms. Florenzi,” David said. 

“Don’t call me that,” she laughed, “that’s so stuffy and I think we’re well past formalities. Please call me Petra.”

“Okay, Petra,” David nodded. “Thank you.” He didn’t know what else to say, he had gotten the hard part of lunch out of the way, he had so many questions for Ms. Florenzi about Matteo, he knew there was some things she wouldn’t tell him but he wanted to know about him from the point of view of everyone in his life. 

“Can I tell you something, David?” Petra said, leaning in as though she were going to share a dark secret with him. David leaned in as well. 

“Yeah, anything,” he could hear the eagerness in his tone despite having no clue what he was about to learn.

“After Matteo’s father and I separated, I was scared that was going to show him that love and soulmates didn’t exist,” she spoke softly, as though she were admitting a terrible secret. “I thought that his father and I had ruined love for him because it didn’t work out. I wasn’t sure if he was old enough to really talk about it, though now I think I just didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already had.”

“What do you mean?” David asked, “and I don’t think you ever hurt him for what it’s worth.”

“You’re a filmmaker, yes?” She asked him. He nodded in response, not wanting to interrupt her flow. “Life is one long, terrible, beautiful movie. It’s full of aches and pains and highs and passions. The plot may not seem consistent, or clear. But it has a purpose. And everything that happens to you was meant to happen, some way or another.”

“So it’s all pre-determined and you were scared that Matteo didn’t believe in love anymore because…” David didn’t want to finish the sentence, he didn’t want Petra to think that he agreed with that.

“To an extent, yes. I think that there are things we’re meant to do,” Petra explained. “But there’s no one  _ right  _ thing to do. Each choice just opens up a new world of possibilities. We’re given options and based on what we decide, we get more new, different choices.”

“Fate’s just making it up as it goes along then?”

“Quite possibly,” Petra laughed and David found where Matteo got it from. It was melodic, light, if there was a way for someone’s laugh to sound like an enchantment, that was her laugh. They sat in comfortable silence as they waited for their food to come, David was texting Matteo asking if he wanted to meet up later that day. 

“Thank you,” David said, setting his phone down on the table.

“For what, David?”

“Being kind and caring,” his voice was softer than he had meant it to be. Sharing his emotions in any capacity was always difficult for him. He only found himself able to speak confidently within the confines of a room alone with his boyfriend within the safety of a bed. “And for Matteo.”

“He’s like that all on his own.”

“I know, but he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you so… Thank you.” David paused for a moment. He knew it wouldn’t hurt to ask, Petra was a kind and caring woman who was always honest. “What do you think about soulmates? The whole string of fate, there’s one person meant for us thing.”\

“I think we have multiple soulmates, it’s not cut and dry. There’s so much in life that’s meant to be explored but you can’t do that with just one person, you have many people. And you find them in your own time, whether or not a string shows you that,” Petra explained, her hand went to her ring finger where a deep, almost black, red band was. She tapped it lightly, “and sometimes they leave, but that’s what’s meant to be. Because you’re not alone, there’s always other souls out there for you.”

“Friend soulmates and work soulmates and all that?” David asked, trying not to laugh at his own terrible joke. He looked down at his hands as he picked at the edge of his napkin.  _ Be honest _ , a small voice in the back of his head whispered. “I’ve always had a hard time with fate honestly.”

“Kind of, yes,” she reached out and took David’s hands in her own. They were soft against his own rough skin, full of warmth that reminded him of his own mother. “Your soul is your own and it guides you to those your meant to be with. Our minds might not always understand that, but your soul knows what it’s doing. Trust it and trust yourself, David.”

 

* * *

 

“Linn said that rosemary or basil would be best for you. Though, I think that English Ivy is the best depression plant,” Laura said as she set down the newly potted plant. It was an English Ivy plant, though Laura had brought over a small potted basil plant for the kitchen. She had said Amira could use it to cook if she wanted, at the very least it was another “air cleaning” plant. They were going to hang it from the curtain rail in David’s bedroom. It was supposed to freshen up the air and they were hard to kill.

“Do we have to call it a depression plant?” David made a face as he traced one of the leaves with his finger tips. It could just be a plant.

“It’s a depression plant until you’re out of this funk.”

“I’m not in a funk anymore. I didn’t skip my meeting with Angie yesterday,” David said, leaning against the counter, his arms crossed over his chest. He was on the defense now with Laura. She had been trying not to hover but David could see in her eyes how much she’s worrying.

“Just because you’ve been able to do things doesn’t mean you’re out of the funk.”

“Then depression is just living your life in an eternal funk.”

Silence immediately took the room. David and Laura were always honest with each other about their feelings, but David had realized that he might’ve been hiding more from Laura than he had meant too lately. She looked like she had been punched in the gut by his words and he could see the sadness on her face even though her eyes were closed. She gripped the countertop tightly, taking a deep breath. David felt awful, he never liked hurting Laura and it felt like that was all he did.

“I think you should go see Rebekka,” Laura said finally. 

David frowned, “why?”

“She helps ground you. She makes you less stupid. And I’m not…” Laura trailed off.  _ Mom.  _ She wasn’t his mom. Laura was just his older sister, she was supportive but it wasn’t her job to be the support of a parent. “I just think that getting out of Berlin will be good for you, and you can go help Rebekka at the shop and in return for me being an absolutely amazing, chill sister you can bring me back some new plants.”

David shifted from foot to foot, feeling the nerves building up inside him again.

“Just for a couple of days, I think it’d be good for you.”

“Okay.”

“Wait, really?” Laura looked surprised, like she had a whole speech prepared in her head, ready to list off all the reasons that Fürstenberg would be a good place for David right now. But he didn’t need to fight her, he knew she was right. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I should see her. I miss her anyway.” David did miss Rebekka. She was a little wild, she was smart, and being around her made him feel lighter. She was a good influence on him which was just what he needed. “Angie said I needed to let myself let people care about me so, yeah. I’ll go for the weekend.” 

“Awesome.”

“Oh, uh…” David fished around in his pocket and pulled out a worn, folded piece of paper. “Do you want to read her letter by the way?”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet,” Laura admitted, she was still gripping the counter so tight her knuckles had practically gone white. 

“Okay. Let me know when you want too. If you ever do.” He put the letter back in his pocket, understanding. A simple thing like words on a page shouldn’t strike such fear into their hearts, but they couldn’t help it. 

Laura nodded, lessening her grip on the counter finally. 

“How’s rehearsals going for the show?” David asked, wanting to get Laura’s mind off their mom. 

Without skipping a beat Laura started telling him about the dance company she had joined recently. They were a modern dance company, which was her specialty, and they took old plays, usually Shakespeare, and instead of using the script to speak the story they would use it as a baseline to create show that spoke the narrative entirely through dance. The show they were currently working on was A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Laura was playing Puck. 

She spoke animatedly about how in depth the role was and how she was able to work with the costume and make up people to create a really unique look for the character. She told him that there were so many brilliant dancers that she didn’t feel like she could keep up most of the time, but David told her that she was better than the rest because of her passion. David mostly stayed quiet though, smiling and encouraging her to continue, loving how passionate his sister was about her art. It really was inspiring to him. 

They spent most of their afternoon together but eventually she did have to leave, saying she and Linn had a hot yoga session to get too. She tried to rope him into coming along but he laughed it off, saying the doctor was still saying no yoga. Which wasn’t  _ entirely  _ wrong, he was still struggling with full arm mobility, but it’s not like it hurt. He just didn’t want to go to hot yoga.

After Laura had left David spent the rest of his afternoon on the couch emailing his professors a note from Angie about what had happened the week before. He immediately got an email back from Becker saying don’t worry, just to let him know the next time. There were also details about the shoot Abdi and David were supposed to be at on Saturday, it had gotten moved to the next Wednesday. 

While he was taking a break, he saw there was a voice message from Matteo. He realized it was Wednesday, but they weren’t meant to meet up until the evening. He clicked play.

“ _ Hey, David. I can’t make it tonight, I’m really, really sorry. Please don’t be mad at me, I have this stupid requirement for my game programming class that I have to go to or I’ll fail or something dramatic like that. Can I get a raincheck for this weekend? How’s your Sunday looking? _ ”

It was disappointing, it made his heart drop to his stomach if he was going to be honest, but he didn’t care too much because he knew that Matteo didn’t mean any harm. He was forgetful about these things. Besides, David wasn’t going to make him fail his class, Matteo had come too far to fail and he had come too far for David to be his downfall.    
  


**David**   
_ I might be in Fürstenberg but I’ll text you on Sunday. _

 

**Matteo**   
_ Seeing your godmother? _

 

**David**   
_ Yeah, thought it’d be good to clear my head. _

 

**Matteo**   
_ Take care of yourself and let me know when you’re back in Berlin _

 

**David  
** _ Of course <3 _

 

**Matteo**   
_ Also tell Rebekka I said hi :) _

  
  


With that little break done, even though it didn’t fully feel like a break, he went back to sending emails. He made sure to contact his team the script for his and Abdi’s final film. The script, the shoot schedule, the equipment they needed, making sure locations were secure and if they weren’t, there was a game plan for when they had to run out because they weren’t allowed to be filming there. Normal student film work. 

It felt good to be doing this, he felt like things were falling into place again. He knew that the depressive episode wasn’t a one off though, he talked with Angie a lot about how he couldn’t let that happen again. But he would be okay. He had good friends, he had a good sister, he did have a good thing going. It wouldn’t be ruined because he was vulnerable with the people that he cared about, it would only get better.

As David closed his laptop, Amira walked through the front door and dropped her backpack on the floor. “We’re ordering out, habibi, I don’t have the energy and you still can’t cook.” 

“Bad day?”

“Not a great start to a chaotic week,” she sighed before plopping down on the couch next to David.

“Do you need to talk?”

“Are you sure?” Amira asked, looking at him nervously. Just because he wasn’t in the best shape, he didn’t want his friends feeling like they couldn’t open up to him. He had to fight it.

“I can talk, I promise.” 

Amira shifted herself so that she was facing David, but she brought a pillow to her chest and hugged it tightly. “The thread appeared when I was on my way home from class and I followed it.”

“Where did it end up taking you?” David asked even though he was sure he knew the answer was Mohammed. She had the same distracted look in her eyes that she had whenever she would come back from hanging out with him, or whenever he would text her, or whenever a picture of him would show up on Instagram. Amira was easy to read in David’s eyes, though he knew that not everyone had the same experience. She left her guard down around David, which was a major sign of trust between the two of them.

“It took me to Mohammed, he was hanging out with my brothers,” Amira explained slowly. “I didn’t really know what to do, but they were playing video games and just… I joined them for a bit. And then it was like my brothers  _ knew _ cause they left? Which doesn’t make sense for them because they’re the dumbest guys, they have to have something right in front of them to believe it.”

“I’m aware,” David laughed. “Did you guys talk about it? What… What else happened?”

“We just talked kind of generally… He asked me on a real date, so we’re going on a real date on Saturday,” Amira recounted. “I’m nervous.”

“What’s there to be nervous about? You guys are so close and obviously, something there makes sense,” he asked, furrowing his brow. 

“I just didn’t think… I don’t…” Amira shrugged, “I just didn’t really think I was the kind of person to get caught up in all this. The soulmates, love, the wanting to know what comes next, being nervous the universe might just be messing with me.” She had listed it all out, extending a finger to emphasize each point. She wiggled the four fingers at David. 

“Those are just really human things, Amira.”

“Gross.”

“It’s okay to feel things y’know,” David grinned. “That’s part of being alive.”

Amira just nodded, staring off into the distance. Her eyes were unfocused which meant she was lost in thought. By the way her nose scrunched up, she couldn’t decide if she wanted to talk to David about it. 

“What’s up?”

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, “I’ve also been thinking about what your mom said.”

If you gave David the rest of time, he wouldn’t have been able to think that was the other thing on Amira’s mind. He thought he was ready for anything that came out from her, but he had been wrong. 

“Which part?” He pushed, sitting up a little bit straighter on the couch now, curious about what had gotten stuck in her head.

“About creating your own story,” she said with a bit of hesitance in her voice, also adjusting the way she sat, going back to her usual straight, confident posture. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot because I was thinking about what I’d do if Mohammed wasn’t my soulmate. But also because I… I don’t know, I feel like I haven’t lived the best life I could and I’m hoping to change that starting now.”

“How so?”

“I’m going to listen to my gut more. I think your mom is right, there’s a lot of… Strangeness in all of it, because I feel like the string is Allah’s way of telling me I’m on the right path but I also think I need to be making more choices for myself,” Amira explained. “I can’t let anyone tell me what’s right for me, only I’m going to know what’s right for me. I think that’s what’s most important.”

David didn’t have a coherent response for her, she understood everything so much better than he ever could and that was very clear to him. She also woke the realization that David had grown more than he thought he had, that things weren’t so bad as long as he was working on himself. 

“Yeah, I think you’re right.” 

 

* * *

 

It had been two weeks since Matteo had checked into the in-patient facility, life almost felt like it had been put on hold. David always knew how important Matteo was, he could light up any room he entered, it was noticeable when he was gone, people would ask when he was showing up. And maybe that was just the case for their little family, but it was obvious when people were gone. 

Jonas and David promised that even when Matteo was gone they were going to still hang out, and that wasn’t a hard promise to keep at the moment. There they were, Friday night and playing Mario Kart. 

“How’s it feel to start from scratch?” David asked, he had noted the new Switch when he arrived. Jonas had to have gotten it soon after Matteo left.

“It’s good, in a way. I should have gotten my own ages ago,” Jonas rolled his eyes.

“But it was easier to just use Matteo’s, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“How is it without him around?” David asked, looking around the apartment. Almost everything was packed up in boxes. The apartment that Matteo had lived in since their last year of high school was packed away and it was strange to not see him here. 

It felt wrong for Matteo not to see the last day of this apartment, but there was no controlling that. Their lease on the place was up soon, Hans was about to go travelling with Leo, Linn had already moved in with Laura. It was the start of a new chapter for everyone, even if it felt disjointed from the previous ones. The apartment had seen a lot of residents move in and out over the years, David was surprised they had managed to keep it for so long.

“It’s okay. It’s quiet, and I didn’t think it would be. There’s not as much cooking, or the sound effects from video games.” 

“I miss him.”

“Do you think he’s doing okay?”

“Probably a little rough around the edges but okay.”

Fanfare played from the TV, Jonas and David had both gotten last place in the race. Their hearts weren’t in it without the whole crew there. Abdi was out with Sam, Carlos had to watch Avery and even though Jonas and David had insisted that it was okay for Avery to come as well, Carlos said that it would bother Kiki. Something just felt off.

“You ever think about the different possibilities and outcomes of your decisions?” Jonas asked as he pressed a button to proceed to a new race. 

“A lot. I think about if I had never changed high schools. What’re you thinking about?” David chose a new racer, Luigi.

“I’ve been thinking about if Matteo and I had never met.” Jonas chose the Animal Crossing race track, it was Matteo’s favorite. 

“Haven’t you guys been friends since you were kids?”

“Yeah, it’s a big what if.” 

“What did your mind come up with then?”

“I think we still would have met, eventually. I probably wouldn’t be as nice, I think Matteo gave me a lot his own… Softness, I guess. You know?” David did know exactly what Jonas meant. Despite Matteo’s insecurities and his inner anger with the world, he gave everyone a little bit of himself with his kindness. “And I don’t think Abdi and Carlos and I would have been friends as soon either. It was cause of Matteo we all became friends actually.”

“How do you mean?” David asked, knocking Jonas’ Mario out of first place and speeding ahead.

“When were really young we were playing on the playground, just some dumb made up game where one kid had to have their eyes closed and try and climb around and find someone so they’d have to be the person with their eyes closed,” Jonas explained, “you’re not supposed to make any noise and you’re not allowed to touch the ground, if the person with their eyes closed thinks they hear someone on the ground they yell out ‘biene’ and then if someone is, they have to be the person with their eyes closed.”

“Oh, yeah, we had that, we yelled out ‘mouse’ though.” 

“Weird. But yeah, that’s how we met and uh… While we were playing, Matteo and I had ended up really close to each other on the bars and he whispered to me ‘I think you’re cool. We’re supposed to be friends.’ and I was nine and surprised cause this kid was telling me we were supposed to be friends,” Jonas’ voice sounded tight with pain. 

“And then what?”

“We stopped playing after a little while, we were making bets about who could jump the farthest distance between bars and it was Abdi’s turn to jump and Matteo said ‘if I jump farther than Abdi then we’re all meant to be best friends’,” Jonas said. He pressed pause on the game and brought his hand up to his eyes to wipe away tears that were welling up. 

“Did he make it?” David had never heard this story before, he could tell it was hard for Jonas to get through. He understood, it wasn’t right not having Matteo around.  

“Almost. He jumped and his foot caught in the bars and he slammed his head against the metal and fell to the ground,” Jonas laughed. “I ran over and helped him back up and I asked if we were still meant to be best friends and he said ‘of course, we’re going to be best friends until we die. It’s fate.’. He was bleeding from his forehead but he had this indestructible smile on his face.”

“That sounds a lot like Matteo,” David laughed. “He’s always been a little reckless like that, huh?”

“A little yeah, it definitely toned down the older we got but he was really adventurous when we were kids. Every weekend it’d be bike rides to different places in the city we had never been.”

Jonas didn’t continue though. They both could fill in the blanks on their own. It stopped after Matteo’s parents had started fighting, it stopped when he had to start taking care of his mom, it stopped because Matteo had to grow up without his friends by his side. Of course they were right there with him, but it would have been hard to explain at fifteen the reason that Matteo couldn’t go out was because he had to make sure his mom ate dinner and that the house was clean. 

There were spots in the history that David still couldn’t fill in, he wasn’t sure if Jonas could either. Matteo had always hid his pain from the people he loved because he had thought that sharing his problems would be too much of a burden on his friends. He didn’t want to worry them without reason. 

“Even as a kid he believed in fate,” David finally said, leaning back into the couch. It wasn’t surprising, but having it confirmed left him feeling winded. 

“He hung off of every word of the string of fate story,” Jonas recounted. “He said that our souls were linked like in the story, not because we were in love but because friends souls have a different kind of connection. That even if we didn’t meet as kids, it would have happened eventually because the universe needed us to be in each other’s lives for a very long time. He always said we were missing something though.” 

“Missing what?”

“I think he meant we were missing you, David.” 

There was a silence that took the space between them. David felt the tears already stinging his eyes, threatening to spill. 

“Do you think you’d still be with Matteo even if you didn’t change schools?” Jonas asked. 

Not that David wanted to deny that they would have found each other, but he didn’t want to answer the question. But Jonas was safe, Jonas was his friend too. He could be honest with him, he had been before. Nothing was different now. Just because Matteo had left, that didn’t mean everything had changed.

“Honestly, I’m not sure. We always said that if we found out we had other soulmates it wouldn’t matter. I don’t know. I’d like to think that… Maybe, somewhere out there in a timeline where I haven’t found Matteo yet it’s because I’m working to be a better version of myself and that one day I’ll find him,” David could tell he was babbling, he wasn’t sure if he was making any sense but it felt right. There was no way of knowing the other possibilities. “Maybe we wouldn’t have found each other. I hope the Matteo that doesn’t have me has someone who treats him like he hung the stars in the sky and wrote the story of the universe.” 

After that Jonas pressed play again. They continued to talk about fate and what if’s. They were smaller what if’s though, Jonas talked about what he would’ve done if he hadn’t gone to college. David talked about how he almost majored in business but when he brought it up with Laura she told him that he was a dumbass and he needed to pursue his art. The night wore on, they ordered pizza.

“If you hadn’t started dating Matteo, where would you have gone to school?”

“I always thought it’d be fun to like, go learn animation in California but I don’t really think that’s for me anymore. I really like what I make with Abdi,” David said with a smile. When he as a kid he had wanted to make the next big cartoon, like Avatar the Last Airbender or Teen Titans, but after starting film school he realized he loved making stories about the people in his life. The different intricate relationships that were made between people fascinated him, he loved to share those stories. 

“Well, you’re going to be amazing either way.”

“And you’re going to be right there with me doing environmental activism or whatever big political statements you end up making.” 

“Brudis for life?” The look that Jonas gave him was hopeful, maybe there was something to what Kid Matteo said. David hadn’t thought he was missing anything when he was younger, aside from the obvious. Maybe they were all meant to find each other.

“Brudies for  _ life. _ Like Matteo said, it’s meant to be.”

 

* * *

 

Fürstenberg wasn’t the place that David had ever imagined Rebekka ending up, but she had found herself there and stayed much longer than he ever expected. Everytime David tried to ask her about what kept her in the small town, she would always deflect. Sometimes if he was lucky, he would get a joking answer about how she just wanted to be near the granola folks from the weird ‘funky’ festival. He respected her choices, he was just curious about what drew her there. It’s a cute town though, David does understand why she’s here. There’s something about getting away that Fürstenberg achieves quite well. 

Any time that David’s felt the need to disappear, he’s gone to Fürstenberg. It was a small, cozy town not too far from Berlin, but not really heard of. It was the perfect place to disappear when he never wanted to be seen again. He hadn’t really asked Rebekka if he could stay, but that Friday afternoon when he got on the train, he texted asking if he could come tonight and she said yes. He said good because he was already on his way.

When he arrived, he went straight to the plant nursery, figuring that’s where Rebekka would be. The shop wasn’t anything big but it was Rebekka’s pride and joy, as David walked through the doors he could see why it was. It had been a couple years since he had been back to the shop specifically since Rebekka had been coming down to Berlin to visit David and Laura, it felt good to be back. He stood outside, staring at the glass window with the word ‘ _ Binsenweisheit _ ’ across it in bright, curly green typography with sprigs of lavender, baby’s breath, and other small flowers caressing the curves of the letters. 

The space was filled with luscious green plants, there were bursts of color from orchids and other flowers he couldn’t name and in the back at the counter, there was his godmother, standing and tending to a small basil plant. 

“Let me know if you need any help,” she called out from where she worked.

“Well, a hug would be a nice start,” David replied as he made his way back to the counter.

“A hug? That’s strange for sure but I guess that’s just how this town is,” Rebekka said, wiping her hands on her apron before she looked up. When she saw David her face lit up, the biggest smile on her face as she moved out from behind the counter to give him a tight hug. He hugged back just as tight, feeling calm wash over him with the soft scent of roses and the comfort of Rebekka’s embrace. “Oh, David, my sweet boy, look at you!” She held his face in her hands, squeezing his cheeks gently. “Look at you! You’re so grown and so handsome, what’s it been? Four, five months? I’ve missed you so much,  _ Mäuschen. _ ”

“Rebekka, your hands are covered in dirt,” he laughed, scrunching up his face in distaste from the dirt and hearing such an old nickname spoken out loud. Immediately she pulled away. 

“Oh, I’m sorry!” She laughed as well and reached across the counter for a small box and pulled out a wet wipe. She carefully cleaned up his face. “There we go. Back to perfection.”

David couldn’t stop laughing, “I’ve missed you too. And I have a gift for you from Laura and Linn.” He set his backpack on the counter and pulled out a small book, handing it to her. As she flipped through the book, David saw pages of pressed flowers, herbs, and other plants surrounded by words, he assumed they were poems. 

“Those girls treat me so well,” Rebekka laughed, wiping her eyes quickly before setting the book down on the counter. “I’ll have to send you back with a plant for them, do they still like orchids? Or perhaps a snake plant, I think that would look lovely in their home. But that’s for Sunday, my dear. How have you been? What worries have brought you to the land of escapist fantasies?”

“Can we save the heavy talks for tomorrow maybe?” David asked, leaning against the counter and looking closely at the basil plant that Rebekka had been working with. “But I’ve been… This week has been good. I’m getting through the best I can.”

“Alright, no heavy talks today. Tonight we’ll go out for dinner and you’ll tell me about school and Laura’s dance company and all your beautiful friends,” she said as she found her place by the basil plant once more. “Any new  _ good  _ news for me though?”

There was a moment of hesitation, technically Matteo counted in ‘heavy talks’ but he also wanted to tell Rebekka about him. “Uhm, yeah, actually,” David paused for a moment, looking down at his hands as his fingers twisted, “I’m seeing Matteo again.  Also he says hi. ” 

Suddenly, there was fumbling and a clatter and Rebekka disappeared behind the counter. When she popped back up, her eyes were wide with surprise and she was setting a spray bottle down. She took David’s hands in hers, her expression was soft and fond, and proud?

“David, that’s beautiful, tell me everything you can, please. I know how much you missed him,” she sounded like she was asking but he knew she expected more than light conversation about how cute he was. So he told her everything. Or at least everything he could without hitting the heavy stuff. He talked about their two dates, he told her about how his heart filled with immense warmth any time he got a text from Matteo. There were moments where he would hesitate, unsure if he wanted to admit that the soulmate link made him anxious, but she could read him well. She knew that it wouldn’t be good to push talking about the anxiety today. 

As they talked, the day came to a close and David began to help Rebekka close up the nursery for the day. It was muscle memory, going through and wiping down counters, making sure no plants were dry. Rebekka took care of the more specific plant care needs with the fickle plants. Once they were done, she locked the door and they began to head down the road to a nearby bar. 

“Why don’t you hire some staff?” David asked, looking over at her as they walked. 

“I could, I have in the past, no one tends to stick though. They just pass through, but I think that’s fine because it’s like a little safe haven for them while they need,” she explained softly. “And I don’t mind, it feels like it’s what I’m meant to do. I help plants grow.”

“Seems like you help people grow too,” he said, nudging her arm gently.

“Hm, I guess you’re right,” she laughed.

They rounded the corner and stepped inside a bar. It was bright and colorful, various string lights hung from the ceiling and there were photos of Fürstenberg festivals lining the walls. Rebekka lead the way to a booth in the back, David looked at the walls as they walked by, taking note of all the photos that Rebekka was in.

“Why did you come here?” David asked as they settled into their seats.

“I just felt like something was pulling me here,” she shrugged.

“Like a thread?”

“Like a  _ purpose _ , David. You know not everything is about soulmates,” she teased. “That’s a pretty heavy talk though, so maybe we can swap heaviness tomorrow when you help me out for the day, yeah? Aren’t you here for me to help you grow?”

She didn’t have to say anything else. 

The rest of the night, Rebekka introduced David to various bar attendees, her friends, people who even called her family. When he was younger, David had assumed that Rebekka liked to be alone, she kept to herself and tended to plants but he immediately saw that she was integral around here. She meant something to these people, which was good. She should mean something to everyone that crossed her path. She was much like Matteo in how they both shared their softness with the world, but they both did it in very different ways. 

In the morning, David woke up to a voice message from Matteo. He rubbed his eyes and clicked play. The soft, familiar voice that he loved so much came through his phone speakers tinny, but very present. “ _ So the thread is pulling at me, it lead me to the train station today. I’m guessing you’re in Fürstenberg already but if you’re going to be back tomorrow, I’d… I’d really like to see you, David. Take care, I… I love you. _ ”

Without hesitating, David started recording, “I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you too, Matteo.” 

After that he pulled himself from the guest bed and went to the kitchen to find a note from Rebekka on the counter. It was written in a green pen and covered in little plant doodles.

 

_ Help yourself to breakfast, meet me at the shop! _

_ Love you David. _

_ -Rebekka _

  
  


It was a little silly that she had signed it, but he appreciated the gesture all the same. He managed a breakfast of a cold sandwich and an apple before heading out. The walk from Rebekka’s apartment to the nursery was lovely, the fresh morning air was different than the fog of Berlin that he was used too. He needed to visit Rebekka more. David needed to take Matteo here too, he knew that he’d love it. David allowed himself to get lost in his thoughts for the first time since his depressive episode, thinking about all the different things that were to come. He was still anxious about it, hell, he was absolutely terrified and he knew that Rebekka was about to knock more sense into him, but he felt like he could handle it. He could take on the world.

Once he arrived at the shop he saw Rebekka was in the back at her counter with two large glass bowls in front of her. “What’s this?” David asked as he approached the counter.

“I don’t have any sick plants to take care of today, so we’re going to make some succulent terrariums,” she explained, gesturing to the other items beside her, a bag of sand and quite literally an army of tiny succulents. 

“Any particular reason why?” He knew his expression must’ve been amusing confusion by the way Rebekka laughed. 

“I’ve found that people are most honest when they’re distracted,” she said, handing David an apron of his own. “And you said we had heavy stuff to talk about, right?”

“Right.” He nodded, pulling on the apron and tying it back around his waist. 

“Let’s get to work,” she grinned and handed him the bag of sand. “What’s been plaguing you my dear god son?”

“You’re so weird,” David laughed. He poured the sand into the bowl slowly, until it reached about halfway up and gave it back to Rebekka. “But alright, uhm… My mom sent me a letter and I’ve been stuck in my head because I’m terrified of fate and the fact that Matteo is my soulmate.”

“He’s your soulmate?!” Rebekka exclaimed, almost dropping the bag of sand on the floor, but catching it just before it hit the ground.

“How can you work with plants and be so clumsy?”

“It’s part of my natural charm,” she said, flipping her hair back and smiling. “But okay, don’t distract me, you said he’s your soulmate. And you got a letter from Naomi? Where to begin, where to begin?”

“They’re kind of tied up together,” David muttered, reaching for a bag of river stones and taking a couple out, carefully putting them around the edges of the bowl.

“Then tell me everything you can,  _ Mäusechen _ .” 

And he did tell her everything she could. They continued to make the terrariums as he talked, setting each succulent carefully in the bowl to create their own colorful little gardens. He went into excruciating detail about his panic over soulmates, telling her about the stress that it had caused him just thinking about what the universe wanted for him. She just nodded, listening patiently. There was never a moment with his godmother that David felt like he was vulnerable or weak, she never said anything to make him doubt himself or feel like he had been torn down. 

Even if he was realizing how absolutely ridiculous he was sounding being stressed out over the fact that Matteo was his soulmate, because he knew everyone would kill for something like that. For the confirmation that the person they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with was in fact, their soulmate.  

He ended with the letter, taking it out of his pocket, now especially worn from its home in David’s pants pocket. She took it delicately, sitting down on her stool as she read. David just watched her, still as a statue. Rebekka brought a hand to her mouth for a moment before wiping away tears that had began to stream down her cheeks. 

“Sorry, I’m just, wow, David, I…” She set the letter down on the counter gently and took a deep breath. “I had no idea that Naomi was going to reach out to you. But she’s right you know.”

David closed his eyes, nodding. “I know.” 

“You have nothing to be afraid of in this world and this story…” She sounded like she was about to cry which David didn’t like. He knew if Rebekka cried, there was a high chance that he would cry as well. She grabbed his shoulders, making him face her. He opened his eyes, finding himself face on with Rebekka’s deep brown eyes. “This story is your story, it will  _ always _ be your story, David. It doesn’t matter if the universe has other plans, you say ‘fuck you, that’s not my plan’. You’re strong and intelligent and so very brave, you can have whatever you want. Just don’t be afraid of whatever that is.”

“Okay,” he said, hearing the strain in his voice. “Okay, I will.”

“And as for Matteo,” Rebekka smiled, but it was sad this time. “Deep down, what do you want?”

“I want to be with him, I… I can’t see my life without him,” he spoke softly. “Rebekka, I love him so much that I’m scared I’m going to mess it up.”

“The only way you’re going to mess it up is if you don’t do anything about it, okay? Take it from an old woman who missed her shot, you may get other chances at love but… Don’t mess this one up, please. He loves you and I can tell you love him so much more than you’ve loved anything.” She let go of his shoulders and wiped more tears from her cheeks as she sat back down on the stool. “When I was your age I was in love too. And I was afraid of what the universe wanted for me, so I ran away from her and I hid here. In Fürstenberg. That’s why I’m here. I found love and I feared it. It took a really long time for me to get over that, I…” She trailed off, looking down at the ground. David didn’t know what to say, he would have never guessed that his godmother, a woman who was so proud and unafraid of things like destiny and loving people, would have been so like him. 

“What happened?” He asked quieter than he had intended. 

“I don’t know. I cut her off completely. And it’s fine, I’ve made my life for myself here, I’m happy. And you know, love really isn’t everything. At least not romantic love,” she recounted, “but I do miss her. Promise me you won’t make the same mistake I did, David.”

“I won’t, I promise.” 

“Living here I’ve learned a lot from these people,” she said, “and I think… When it comes to fate and our souls and all of that wild nonsense that none of us can really understand.” Rebekka paused for a moment, drumming her fingers against the countertop lightly, “our souls choose this life. They choose to be here, they choose to have these experiences. We’re meant to be part of this life, for whatever reason, and you do yourself a disservice if you don’t allow yourself to be happy. And it really does come down to that sometimes, depression aside, sometimes you really do have to choose to be happy, David. You have the choice now, don’t let fate or the universe or whatever it is out there, take that away from you because in the end, like your mom said. This is your story.”

Even though he knew it was coming, David was still surprised by the tears he felt against his cheeks. He didn’t have anything else to say but he did pull Rebekka into a tight hug. They stayed there for a long time before pulling apart, laughing at themselves.

“What should I do about my mom?” David asked, biting hard on his lip. He didn’t know how to bring it up without it feeling clunky in the conversation now.

“Honestly?”

“Please.”

“Your mom messed up. But… I don’t think that means she doesn’t deserve a second chance, but that’s all up to you,” Rebekka said. “Now let’s get back to work. We still have to finish these terrariums.” 

They spent the rest of the day on the terrariums between customers who came into the shop. David watched Rebekka interacting with the customers, people who seemed to be regulars, coming in to ask for help with their plants or to buy new ones. Each interaction she had was extremely personalized, she had known these people for years and it showed how much she loved all of them. The day came to an end once more and they were cleaning up the shop when the blue thread appeared once more, tugging at David’s hand and heart. His breath caught, staring down at the glowing blue cord.

“Rebekka, I uh… I have to go back to Berlin early,” he said. 

“Is everything okay? Did Laura get hurt?” 

“No, no, no,” David laughed. “I uh,” he looked down at his hand again. “I think I have to listen to fate right now.” 

“Oh my god, go, go, go!” She exclaimed, immediately understanding what he meant. “Call me when you get back, tell me everything that happens.” Rebekka had begun to push David out of the shop, “I’ll clean up on my own, go.”

“Are you sure?”

“If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t be saying it.” David gave her one last tight hug, when they pulled apart she held his face in her hands once more. “One last thing, David.”

“What is it?”

“No matter what happens, I love you,” she spoke softly. “You’re going to live amazing.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO HI I'M SORRY THIS UPDATE TOOK TWO WEEKS BUT IT'S HERE.
> 
> Firstable, thank you all for being so patient with me while I wrote this chapter, I hope to get the next three out on a more regular schedule. 
> 
> Secondable, thank you so, so much to all my friends who have helped me get through this chapter, you all mean so much to me and I honestly don't think this chapter would have gotten written without all the help I recieved. 
> 
> As usual, comments and kudos are appreciated <3 <3 I will try to reply but I'm very bad at responding before I feel like I'm just repeating myself.  
> Follow me on tumblr @filmictrans


	8. Some Things are Meant to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they pulled apart, David couldn’t help the big, proud smile on his face. “I know we have a lot to talk about but…” He trailed off and shrugged. The words still weren’t there. It helped that Matteo understood immediately, they would talk soon. They would finally have this talk, they would finally get back to them.
> 
> But it didn’t feel heavy like every other time before. There was no fear that David would revert to his old self anymore, there was nothing in him that was screaming for him to run away. And even without speaking of it, he could tell Matteo was here to stay as well. They were both grounded at the same for the first time ever, there was a future ahead of them. 
> 
> They were endgame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Some talk about depression

Monday was the day everything changed in David’s life, he didn’t want to think about it. He would have preferred to hide with Matteo in his room, run away from their problems, but ultimately he knew that didn’t fixed anything. Running away only prolonged unnecessary pain. David couldn’t have been more proud of Matteo for making the moves to help himself, he just hated that it meant that he wouldn’t get to see him for a long time. But David wasn’t going to be selfish and say that he was hurting too, he could only imagine what Matteo was going through right now and he would never forgive himself if he added unnecessary pressure to those feelings. 

They laid in Matteo’s bed, watching a dumb movie on his laptop. There wasn’t any other way he’d rather spend his last night with Matteo. When they had found out the date that Matteo was leaving, there was a small part of David that did want to make Matteo’s last night absolutely spectacular, right out of a romantic comedy. But it had felt cheesy and ingenuine everytime he sat down to plan that evening. Eventually he settled for video games with the boys and then staying over at Matteo’s after. 

The plan for the next day was Jonas and David would drive with Matteo to the in patient home and say their final good-bye’s. Jonas and David had made each other swear not to cry until they were driving back to Berlin. 

Technically, David and Matteo were broken up now. They had agreed, for the week before they would be broken up, but that didn’t change the fact that David had Matteo in his arms, nothing had really changed, they just didn’t have the label of ‘boyfriends’ now. David wasn’t really paying attention to the movie, he was more focused on Matteo and what would happen when he was gone. Of course the world wouldn’t stop turning, everything would be the same, but there would be a Matteo shaped hole in every group hangout, texting the group chat would be a little less bright. There would be no middle of the night voice messages to come over, there would be no more lazy days in bed like they were, everything was coming to a semi-permanent end.

All David wanted to do was savor the moments he had left with Matteo. 

“You’re not going to wait for me, right?” Matteo asked, David hadn’t heard his voice in what felt like hours, and by how scratchy his voice was, Matteo probably hadn’t spoken in hours. 

“Of course I’m going to wait for you, dumbass,” David mumbled, lacing his fingers in Matteo’s hair and tugging gently. 

“You said you wouldn’t,” he was pouting. David didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t going to lie to Matteo.

“I don’t think I ever did, I just agreed to breakup.” David tilted Matteo’s chin up gently so he could look him in the eyes. There was so much sadness in them, and something else David didn’t recognize. He almost looked hopeful. “You’re not dying, you’re just going to be in inpatient therapy. I’m not going to stop loving you just because you’re gone.”

Matteo responded with a small noise of distaste before leaning up to kiss David gently. Part of David was scared, he felt like every kiss was about to be their last.

“Well, if you meet your prince charming while I’m making my mind like a buff kirby I expect to be invited to the wedding,” he whispered after pulling away.

“You’re the only one for me, Matteo.”

“What if you meet your soulmate?” 

“We already had that talk. I don’t care.”

Matteo scrunched up his face in frustration and pulled away from David more, fixing their position so that he was straddling David and keeping him pinned to the bed. He took David’s hands in his and laced their fingers together, holding on tightly like David was his lifeline. He was looking down, all David could think about was how Matteo was his endgame. They were always going to be end game, it didn’t matter what universe they were in, it didn’t matter what the world had to throw their way, Matteo was always going to be David’s end game. 

“David, I need you to promise me something,” his voice was soft, David could hear it shaking slightly as he spoke.

“I don’t think I need to promise anything to someone who’s just a friend,” he said teasingly, but he saw the pain in Matteo’s eyes. “Sorry.” 

“It’s okay. Just… Promise me that you’re not going to let me hold you back,” Matteo sounded like he was about to cry. He definitely looked like he was close to tears. “I don’t want you waiting for me in anything, I don’t care if it’s love or life or anything.” 

“Promise I’m going to keep living even if you’re not there with me?”

“I just need to know that you’re going to be… Still living even if I’m not around. I can live for myself when I get out and I need to know that you’re living for yourself while I’m gone,” his words were barely above a whisper now. David squeezed his hands back gently, reminding Matteo he was still there. He wouldn’t lose David. 

“Matteo Florenzi,” David said, his voice firm. There was so much more he wanted to promise him but he couldn’t find the right words to share those promises. “I promise that I’ll keep living while you’re gone.” 

“Thank you.” Matteo leaned down and brushed his lips gently against David’s, it was far too brief of a kiss for David’s liking. 

“Can you promise me something too?”

“I _guess_ that’s only fair.” 

David let go of Matteo’s hands to push himself up, sitting up straight with Matteo still in his lap. He wrapped his arms around Matteo’s waist and held him closer, “I need you to promise me that someday, whether it’s when you get out, or two years later, or whenever, that you’ll make time for me. I don’t want to lose you, even... “ He hesitated, _even if you’ve grown past who we’ve been, even if we’re just Matteo and David separately, even if you don’t love me anymore because I’ll never stop loving you._ But he couldn’t say it like that. “Even if we’re not the same, promise me that we’ll still be in each other’s lives.” 

Matteo’s hands found their way to David’s face, holding it carefully as though David were a delicate statue. “David Schreibner,” he said, “I promise that I will still be in your life.” There was more to it than just his words though. David and Matteo had learned to read each other pretty quickly, and there was everything that Matteo couldn’t say written on his face, especially in his eyes. A look that said _I promise that someday we’ll find our way back to each other, I promise that you couldn’t get rid of me if you killed me, I promise I’ll never stop loving you._

David kissed Matteo again, it may have been a frantic, desperate kiss but he didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t have anything else to say. Matteo kissed him back with the same neediness, like it was the last time he’d be able to kiss David. He couldn’t explain how, but that kiss said more than words ever could. It held promises that could stop time and change the course of the universe, it was a kiss that promised that no matter what they would find their way back to each other whether they had to cross the whole world to get there again.  

With nothing more than the promises they made silently to keep them going through the next few months, or years perhaps, they settled back on the bed for the night. Each time they kissed it became another silent promise.

_I promise fate will never tell us what to do._

_I promise I’ll be your home._

_I promise I’ll be with you forever._

_I promise, I promise, I promise..._  

* * *

 

As David stepped off the train, the blue thread appeared and quite literally pulled him towards the exit. David stumbled, managing to catch himself just in time before he completely face planted into the floor of the station. While the thread rarely physically pulled him by the hand, it was always much deeper than that. It was like the thread connected on the surface of his skin and then found its way _inside_ his body, running all the way up through his arm, and wrapped itself around his heart. Everytime he was pulled, it was because his heart was pulling at his emotions. And he let it.

He followed to pull and despite it being a deeper connection, he always found himself staring at the strong, never breaking cord connected to his hand. 

And as always it led him right into Matteo. 

He found himself wrapped up in the tightest, most lung crushing hug that he didn’t know Matteo had in him but it didn’t matter. He dropped his bag and he hugged him back just as tightly, resting his head on Matteo’s shoulder. He knew to passersby that they probably just looked like friends, or maybe even a couple, that had been apart for a while. But they didn’t know the history, they didn’t know everything that this hug held with it. They didn’t know the story of how they got there. 

David pulled back from the hug just enough so that he could see Matteo’s face. There were tears in his eyes, David was sure there were tears in his own by how Matteo looked just a little bit blurry. But he looked so happy to see David, like he was anxious to be here but all of that had melted away when he saw David. Neither could find the words they wanted to say though, there was so much that needed to be said. 

“Can I kiss you?” David whispered even though no one was paying attention to them. 

Matteo hesitated for a moment, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention to their teary eyed reunion. “I feel like we’re in a shitty romcom right now,” he whispered back, unable to contain the laughter that bubbled up in his chest. “But yeah, of course, kiss me, dumbass.” 

Again, to the world around them, it was nothing more than a kiss shared between two people who loved each other. A kiss between two people who had been apart for too long. But David knew it was much more than just a kiss, it was a kiss that sealed a promise they had made to each other years ago. 

_I promise that I will always come back to you._

When they pulled apart, David couldn’t help the big, proud smile on his face. “I know we have a lot to talk about but…” He trailed off and shrugged. The words still weren’t there. It helped that Matteo understood immediately, they would talk soon. They would finally have this talk, they would finally get back to them.

But it didn’t feel heavy like every other time before. There was no fear that David would revert to his old self anymore, there was nothing in him that was screaming for him to run away. And even without speaking of it, he could tell Matteo was here to stay as well. They were both grounded at the same for the first time ever, there was a future ahead of them. 

They were endgame.  

“Yeah,” Matteo nodded. 

“I’m sorry for disappearing.” 

“I knew you’d come back,” Matteo said, pulling back from the hug. He leaned down to pick up David’s bag and took David’s hand in his free one. “We made a promise after all.”

Instead of going straight home, Matteo and David found a coffee shop nearby to cozy up in for a little bit. Matteo ordered a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and David ordered a latte. There was a table in the back they settled on because it was like a little booth where they could sit on the same side and be comfortable. 

“How was Fürstenberg?” Matteo asked softly as he lifted the hot chocolate to his lips to take a sip. 

“It was nice. Rebekka says hi, and that she misses you, and that you should visit soon,” David said. “But it was good to go back and talk with her, she really gets… A lot of what’s been going on in my head even better than I thought she would.”

“That’s good,” he nodded slowly, “what did you guys talk about?”

“We talked about…” David looked over to Matteo, trying to read the look that was on his face. He was out of practice, he couldn’t read Matteo as well as he used too but he could tell that at least, thankfully, there was nothing bad on Matteo’s face. Just curiosity. There was something more that he couldn’t recognize though, maybe it was anticipation or maybe he was just tired. “We talked about a letter I got from my mom last week and uh, we talked about you.” 

“What about me?”

“How I was being stupid and that I should be afraid of what the universe has in store for me,” David shrugged, taking Matteo’s free hand carefully and lacing their fingers together. “I’m working on being okay with not being the perfect guy you deserve.” 

“And what does that mean exactly?”

“It means that if you’ll have me, Matteo,” David took a deep breath, “I have a promise that I made to you and I plan on keeping it for a long, long time if you’ll have me.”

“Hm,” Matteo tapped the side of his mug thoughtfully, like he was really considering this. But there was a familiar air of mischief in him, “I _guess_ that I’ll have you. You’re kind of cute after all.” 

“I’ll take it,” David grinned, giving Matteo’s hand a squeeze. There was more to talk about, it was heavy between them still. But neither had the energy to have The Big Talk just yet. They needed time to readjust into some normalcy. 

“Hey,” Matteo set down his mug and turned to face David. “Be real with me, please. What happened during your depressive episode?”

It had come unexpectedly, though David hadn’t been expecting any heavy conversation at all today. Part of David was tempted to lie and say it just happened, it wasn’t a big deal, it was over. But the logical, ‘you want to be with Matteo’ part of him whispered insistently that he needed to tell the truth. He couldn’t lie about this, because it was unfortunately part of him. It wasn’t fair that David knew all of Matteo’s dirty secrets but he didn’t know as many of David’s, if any at all.

“I shut down, I didn’t sleep, it was easier to just shut out and shut off,” he mumbled quietly, unable to meet Matteo’s gaze. Instead he focused on their hands, noticing that they never held their hands “normally”. That didn’t matter, there was no proper or correct way to hold someone’s hand, but they were never conventional about it. 

“Do you know why?” Matteo pushed gently

“It’s always a lot of reasons but this time I think the catalyst was my own dumb anxieties and fears when it comes to fate.” David really wished he could explain it further than that but the words weren’t there. He knew that he wasn’t completely fixed now either. He didn’t get over it after a therapy session and a trip to see his godmother, the road to recovery was a long, winding one that sometimes made you find your way back to a terrible place, or even near the beginning. But David had promised himself, and more importantly, Laura, that he wouldn’t let something as awful as this past time happen again. 

“Well,” Matteo punched David’s arm gently. “Don’t do that again. Tell me when you’re having problems.”

“That’s a two way street, Matteo.” 

“Fine, you want to swear on it?” 

“Swear on it how?” David asked, raising a brow at Matteo curiously. “Blood pact?”

“Gross, no,” Matteo’s face twisted in distaste. “Pinky promise?”

“Ah, yes, the never breaking bonds of a pinky promise,” David teased.

“Say what you will but Jonas and I swore to each other with pinky promises when we were kids that we we would never break a promise to each other,” he explained, sitting up a little bit prouder and straighter as he spoke. 

“And has either of you ever broken a promise?”

“Not once. How could you break something based on a pinky promise? That’s like, sacrilege basically.” 

“You’re an idiot.”

“Maybe so, but, pinky promise me that you’ll tell me when you’re having problems, David. I want to be there,” he said, holding out his hand with his pinky sticking out towards David. There was a moment where David looked between his hand and Matteo before linking their pinkies together. They shook their hands a little bit to confirm it. “Okay, good.”

They spent the rest of the evening in the coffee shop, right until it closed. They talked about how their lives were going, Matteo told David about the requirement for his game programming class. It was a lot more interesting than Matteo had initially made it sound. It was a large lecture about the structure of gameplay and how programmers and game writers had to work hand in hand to create a well done game. Matteo said that it made him realize that someday he’d love to help create a big video game, like a new Zelda or an Animal Crossing. He wanted to be able to take the thing that he loved most (after David, he made sure to clarify that quickly) and share his love with others. 

It wasn’t about getting people to like him, it was about making something for the sake of making other people happy. 

He did admit that classes had been rough, being a student again had made him shut down and close off from his friends and family, but he was trying to push past that. His therapist made him promise to talk to at least one person about non-school related things once a day, he had been trying his best. 

Matteo walked David home after the coffee shop. When they found themselves outside the building, David wanted nothing more than to invite Matteo up to spend the night, but he knew they weren’t there yet. Not until they talked. 

“Don’t shut me out,” David whispered into Matteo’s ear as they hugged each other. He didn’t want to let go.

“You’re not allowed to shut me out either,” Matteo whispered back. He didn’t say anything as he moved away from the hug just enough to press their lips together. _I promise I won’t shut you out._ David pulled back, knowing that if he kissed Matteo anymore that he wouldn’t be able to control himself. He’d drag Matteo upstairs and make him stay. David wanted nothing more than to hold Matteo close and fall asleep next to him again. 

“Tell Jonas I said hi,” David mumbled as he pulled away from their hug.

“Way to kill the moment,” he pouted almost like he was trying to guilt David into kissing him again. 

“See you soon?”

“Of course.”

 

* * *

 

In the morning, David sat in the kitchen eating cereal while he poured over the script for the professional film shoot that he and Abdi had to be on later that day. It was early, he hadn’t been able to sleep the night before because he was excited and nervous. For the professional set, for Matteo, for his own film.

Amira came into the kitchen and started to make coffee without a word which clued David into her not being in a good mood.

“What’s up, Amira?” He asked, shutting the script and pushing it away from him. 

“I feel so out of sorts,” Amira sighed, slumping over the counter. “Like, I’m nervous and my brain is so wired my thoughts are just running a mile a minute.”

“Did something bad happen on the date?” David frowned.

“No, it was perfect.”

“I don’t see the problem then.”

“I don’t know, it just… I can’t explain it,” she sighed as she pulled two mugs down from the cabinet. “Can you distract me? Tell me about your trip.”

“I wouldn’t really call it a trip,” David shrugged, “but it was nice. Rebekka knocked a lot of sense into me.”

“She managed to get you to listen to something with meaning? I need to meet this magic word weaver,” Amira teased, “sugar or milk?”

“Neither.” David didn’t like adding anything to just plain coffee. “And yeah she did, I talked to her about the letter from my mom and the whole Matteo and fate thing.”

“And what did you learn, habibi?”

“To not be afraid.”

“Really, that simple?” Amira asked. She took off her glasses and rubbed her face, shaking her head a little bit. David had a feeling there was more bothering her than she was letting on, but he didn’t know how to get in. If Amira didn’t want to talk about her problems, she closed up quicker than a retail employee trying to close a store. She built up a wall of ice so cold and intimidating that not even fire could melt.

“She told me about how she had fallen in love when she was our age and she ran from it because she was afraid,” he explained, getting up from his seat at the dining table. He moved so he was standing by Amira, offering a hug to her. She accepted and he held her close, “that we can’t be afraid of everything or else we’ll never be happy. We have to be okay with the bumps in the road that come our way.” 

“You could have at least learned how to cook,” Amira grumbled. 

“Talk to me when you’re ready, okay? I’m not letting you keep everything inside, it’ll kill you, Amira,” he muttered before letting her go. “We need people. Not just romantically but we need each other. I wouldn’t have gotten through my shit without you. I’m here for when you need me.”

“You’re as annoying as Essam is.”

“It’s the little sibling charm.”

Amira rolled her eyes, “I guess it’s just hard to remember it’s not bad to feel like this.”

“Feel what?”

“To feel like I’m in love. I hate it.”

“Oh, habibi,” David sighed, “I know it’s scary. And I’m by no means the right person to advocate for just trust your feelings all things considered but, it never hurts to trust what you’re feeling. Everything has a way of falling into place, you just have to work through it in your own way.”

Amira just nodded, twisting her fingers as she waited for the coffee to finish brewing. There wasn’t much else that could be said in the moment, David could only hope that Amira trusted him enough to come to him with her problems when she needed the help. After that, their morning was spent in silence, Amira and David occasionally would exchange looks across their kitchen, worry from David and avoidance from Amira. There was something she wasn’t telling him, and he knew for a fact that if he pushed on it, she’d just push him away.

 

* * *

 

The day had been long and hard and David felt like he was going to collapse, but he hadn’t been this happy in a very long time. Working on a professional set was always an exhilarating experience that left David wanting more. Every time he finished a long day on set, he felt like he had made the right choice about what he wanted to do with his life. If only every other decision in his life came with these waves of confidence once he made them. Abdi sat beside David at the bar, downing his beer quickly and ordering a second from the bartender.

“Slow your roll there, man,” David laughed, patting him on the back.

“I’m just… Wow,” Abdi grinned. “Today was great but I think that’s the most intense set we’ve ever been on. And that’s going to be like… Our lives soon. It’s wild to think. The universe works in mysterious ways.”

David hummed in agreement, taking a slow sip from his own beer. They were getting close to the end of being student filmmakers and becoming real professionals. 

“Speaking of the universe, how’re you feeling about the whole Matteo thing?” Abdi asked. “It’s been a little while.”

“The soulmate thing?” David asked, trying to pretend like he didn’t know what Abdi was talking about.

“Yeah, you guys are meant for each other, it’s so clear. Even without the string, so… Where are we? I’m going to support you no matter what,” Abdi said, clinking his glass against David’s. “Film bros for life.”

“We’re going to talk, but I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page.”

There was a shit eating grin on Abdi’s face like he knew something important that David didn’t know. It wasn’t a look that David was ever fond of because it always meant there was some big secret or surprise that David had no idea about. Why did anyone ever tell Abdi secrets? He kept them, but his face always gave away that something exciting was happening.

  


**David**   
_Do you want to meet up this Friday after Abdi and I wrap set for the day?_

 

 **Matteo**   
_Was just about to text you and ask the same thing_

 

 **David** **  
** _Guess it’s fate ;)_

 

 **Matteo** _  
_ _You good with that?_

 

 **David  
** _Absolutely_

 

“Remember, we start filming on Friday,” David said, trying to divert the conversation. He wasn’t about to drunk talk with Abdi about how in love with Matteo he was, though he was sure that Abdi was going to drunk babble about Sam.

“Yes, and my apartment is the location for the first three days, and then it’s Linn and Laura’s place, then Hanna and Sam’s. And then we have all our illegal outdoor shoots and all the rest,” Abdi recited, he must’ve actually looked at the call sheet for once.

“You’re learning,” David teased. “But yes. Are you ready for this?”

“Of course, boss,” Abdi saluted him. “And our theme again is?”

“Recovery,” he grinned.

“Perfect. We’re on the same page, see? Now lets drink.”

David laughed and they clinked their glasses together once more. As they drank they got more giggly, more teasing. When Abdi began to tell everyone who came within five feet of them about how much he loved Sam, that’s when David decided to get them a taxi home. There was protests from Abdi about how he could drink more and he wanted to drink more, but David patted his back and reminded him that they had class the next day and they couldn’t show up to their meeting with Becker obviously hungover. No matter how amusing that might’ve been to Becker. 

 

* * *

 

The first real day on set was always a whirlwind of chaos. Actors and equipment and papers, there were papers everywhere behind the camera. Multiple scripts, a huge binder of everything David knew they needed to get done, Abdi’s shot lists and storyboards in a separate binder. The actors, Leonie and Sara because they promised to help. Poor Abdi’s apartment was thrown into a whirlwind of chaos for their film. The script David had written was about a girl, who happened to be a lesbian, reconnecting with the people she missed most but had pushed away. The script had changed a lot over the course of the last year, but when it was finished, David had written a story about a young person that happiness was worth it, even if it hurts to find it. 

David sat on the coffee table with Leonie and Sara across from him on the couch, going over the character intentions in this scene. The first scene was a flashback, which he knew was taboo in many scripts because it was pandering to the audience, but sometimes flashbacks were good. Sometimes they were necessary to aid the narrative. The film went back and forth between the main characters worst time in her life, to the present when she was working to better herself through these connections. 

Sara would be in the main role, Leonie would be playing her ex. There were other actors as well, like Hanna agreed to be a long lost best friend, Laura and Linn were essentially just playing themselves with a script attached, even Amira’s brothers agreed to be in the film. Omar was a natural on screen, though it did help that he actually had gone to school for acting. Kiki refused to be in it, claiming that her thesis paper was taking up too much of her time, but Carlos agreed which meant that Avery would also be in the film. Of course, David and Abdi had auditioned everyone prior to confirming them for the roles, but because David had pulled so much from his own life, everyone fit the characters they read for perfectly. 

And it felt so good to be working on this with people who cared about it just as much as he did. 

It was going to be a rough day, he knew that. It was their first shoot and they had three scenes to get through. A flashback of a breakup, a reunion, and then the final scene where Sara’s character makes a promise that she’s willing to do whatever she needs to do to make sure she’s happy, no matter how much it might hurt. 

Abdi and Sam were running around the small living room, making sure lights were set properly, Sam fussing over Sara and Leonie’s wild eye make-up which Sam insisted on because in the script they were supposed to be coming back from the wedding of two of their friends when Sara’s character breaks up with Leonie. Sam said it would be really cool to have this dramatic, wild make-up because then when they started crying it would be even more heartbreaking. They were going to try a couple of takes with the make-up first and then go from there. 

“I’m going to let you guys run your lines for a little bit,” David said as he pushed himself from the coffee table. “Let me know if you need anything or have any questions, okay?”

David stepped away, leaving Sam to attack the girls while they ran their lines. In the midst of preparing for their first scene, David had felt his phone buzz in his pocket a few times but had chosen to ignore it because they were on set. They had work to get done. His phone had begun buzzing again as Abdi was about to ask David something, but it was more insistent. He pulled it out and saw Jonas was calling. He held up a hand, “I’ll be right back.” And he stepped out of the apartment. 

“Hey, Jonas,” He asked, looking down at the script in his hands, at all the new notes he had made in the margins over the scene they were about to shoot. “Everything okay?”

“Hey, David,” Jonas said. There was a slight echo behind his words but David didn’t think much of it. “Yeah, I’m good. I was wondering if you’d heard from Matteo at all lately? I haven’t seen him the past few days, but I guess it’s just because our schedules don’t mix well right now.”

“I texted him the other day but aside from that, nothing. Are you sure everything’s okay?” 

“Yeah, of course. Nothing to freak out about. If he does text you, let me know, alright? I’m just a little worried.”

“Of course, let me know if you find him, okay?”

“Will do.” There was a pause, David didn’t know how to respond. He needed to get back to the film. “We should hang soon. Whole squad again, I know we said we would forever ago, but I’m serious. Let’s do it.”

“Okay,” David laughed. “I have to get back inside, Abdi and I are about to start shooting our film.”

“Good luck, man.”

“Thanks.”

“See you soon.” 

“See you.”

And Jonas hung up. David went back inside, ignoring all the pressing questions in his head. Was Matteo okay? Did he disappear like David? Were his classes okay? But he couldn’t think about that right now. He would put it off until after they wrapped for the day. He’d text Matteo though. 

  


**David  
** _Hey, are you alright? Jonas said he hasn’t seen you recently.._

 

 **Matteo  
** _Yeah, I’m okay.  
_ _Can you meet me at the pool?_

 

 **David  
** _How soon do I need to be there?_

 

 **Matteo** **  
** _Let’s meet at midnight?_

 

 **David** **  
** _Mysterious :o_

 

 **Matteo  
** _What can I say? I’m a guy shrouded in mystery ;)_

 

That didn’t ease his anxiety as much as he would have hoped. He was nervous that Matteo was hiding something bad from him. The things that were left unspoken had started to weigh on David’s mind, but he was trying not to catastrophize. He heard Angie’s voice in the back of his head, reminding him of the breathing exercise that she showed him. He closed his eyes and repeated the words over and over in his head until he calmed down. Breathe in and count to five, hold it and count to five, breathe out and count to five.

“Hey, Abdi?” David said, putting his phone back in his pocket, not feeling shiny and new, but better.

“What’s up, bossman?” 

“Have you heard from Matteo lately?” 

If there was anyone in the world that shouldn’t be told secrets, it was Abdi Ates. His face lit up like a Christmas tree with a big, dumb smile across it. He giggled and shrugged, “don’t know. Been working on the film.”

“You’re an idiot,” David pointed out, dropping his script onto the kitchen table. “What’s going on?”

“I’ve been sworn to secrecy by the gods of love.”

“I’m firing you.” 

“You can’t fire me without going to Becker.” 

David rolled his eyes, leaning back against the table. He watched as Sam finally left Sara and Leonie alone to run their lines, wondering how quickly they could wrap today. Matteo had said midnight but if he could get to the pool sooner, that would stop his thoughts from turning into a chaotic storm in his mind. By the way Abdi was acting though, it wasn’t bad. It couldn’t have been bad if Abdi was grinning like an idiot and speaking nonsense. 

“Leonie, Sara,” he called out, refusing to acknowledge Abdi now. They looked over to him, “are you guys ready? I want to start filming.” 

“Whenever you are, Mr. Director,” Leonie said with a proud smile. “Ready to have my girlfriend break my heart.”

“Wonderful,” David laughed. He looked around the room after he retrieved Sara and Leonie’s scripts from them, Abdi was ready behind the camera and Sam was holding a slate, ready for when she was needed. One of their friends from class was working sound for them thankfully so neither Abdi or David had to worry about that. David found his place beside Abdi, “quiet on set… Camera rolling?”

“Camera rolling,” Abdi confirmed.

“Sound speeding?” David asked.

“Sound speeding,” the sound guy confirmed.

“Alright, slate?”

Sam moved the slate in front of the camera, “scene one, take one.” She clapped the board.

“Action.”

 

* * *

 

All roads led back to the pool. 

If David had known when he was eighteen that such a worn down building with a horrible history would become the main setting of many conversations with Matteo he feels like he might’ve chosen somewhere more romantic. But there was romance in this old building, a history that two young men had worked to erase in their own way. 

After filming Abdi told David to go, they were still filming in his apartment tomorrow so he would just leave everything up, him and Sam were too tired to do any equipment breakdown anyway. On the bike ride over, headphones blasting Hozier once again, that stupid yet beautiful blue thread appeared and began to pull at David’s heart again. Before this week if the thread had tried to pull him towards Matteo, he would have resisted, he would’ve let the connection break because of his fear. But after his talk with Rebekka, after seeing how much people cared about him he knew that was stupid. 

David knew that he wasn’t fixed, he’d never be absolutely perfect, but he had come to realize that life wasn’t supposed to be like that. There was never going to be the perfect moment for anything. Life was supposed to be winding, heartbreaking, and painful sometimes, but David had let too much of his own pain eat him up. All David knew for sure was that as long as he kept working to make himself a better person, then everything else would work out. He just had to believe it would. 

He stopped at the gates, seeing Matteo’s bike. He left his next to where Matteo’s was on the ground, wondering how they had gotten so lucky that no one had stolen their bikes. He hopped over the fence with ease, glad that he had gained his mobility back. 

As he made his way towards the building, he thought about everything that brought him here now. All the little choices that he had to make in his life, all the little plans that the universe had led to this moment, this place. He made his way through the worn down hallways, old memories bubbling up inside his mind. Maybe two months ago, he was making his way through this building with the same blue thread lighting his way, but he wasn’t scared this time. 

For the first time in a long time, David felt like he was free. 

He pushed through the door that lead to the pool and froze when he stepped through. There were string lights hanging from the pool lines above where Matteo stood. He was in the center, phone in hand, playing Can’t Help Falling in Love pulling David back to an old, almost forgotten memory of him and Matteo. 

On their one year anniversary, Matteo had played this song as they danced in his living room, swaying with each other, holding each other close as neither of them could believe that they had made it a whole year together. He whispered in David’s ear all the things he loved about him and all the dreams he had for their future. Back then, much like now, David could see a bright future for the both of them together. 

“Mr. Florenzi,” David called out, grabbing Matteo’s attention immediately. “What’s all of this?”

“I figured if we were going to be all romcom about this, we should just lean into it, Mr. Schreibner,” Matteo laughed. 

“So we’re going for dramatic, romantic talk about what we both want under the stars?” David asked as he walked across the bottom of the pool towards Matteo, though his gaze was caught on the pool lines with the lights wrapped around, dangling carelessly. The warm yellow glow mixed with the moonlight streaming in from the holes in the ceiling to create a gentle, blue-yellow tone as they stood together. It was something out of a movie that David could have never thought of. 

“Something like that,” Matteo grinned, obviously proud of himself for setting all of this up. 

“How did you get all of this set up?” He looked around them, seeing now that there were candles and flower petals on the ground as well.

“I had some help from Jonas, and the boys.” Which is why Abdi was grinning like a five year old with a lollipop. 

“That fucking liar,” David shook his head, thinking back to the call with Jonas. The echo behind him made sense now, he was in the pool helping Matteo put this together. Brudis for life went past deep talks over video games on a Friday night, this was so much more than anything David could have expected. 

“David?” Matteo said, his confident demeanor suddenly gone. David turned back to him and saw there was fear on his face. “What do _you_ want?”

All David wanted to say was _e_ _verything_. He wanted whatever Matteo was willing to let him have and he'd gladly give all of himself in return.

David walked around the bottom of the pool, making sure to avoid the candles and flower petals. He didn’t know where to begin, how was he supposed to convey all that he wanted to Matteo with just words? He needed a lifetime and then some to show Matteo everything he wanted for them, he only hoped Matteo wanted the same. 

“More than anything I want to be your boyfriend again,” he said quietly, “I want to be with you, I still see my life with you. Every talk we had about family and marriage and kids and just living the rest of our lives together, I want all of that. And if you don’t want that anymore, I don’t care. And I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that. But if you’ll have me still… I just want you.” David stopped his pacing, unable to close the distance between himself and Matteo just yet. The glittering blue light from the thread began to glow like it did on their indoor picnic from weeks ago. The same powerful glow that David had begun to associate with the idea that the right choices were being made. “What do you want?”

“I want to keep all the promises we made,” Matteo said. “The highs and lows, we can get through it. I’ve said it before and I’ve meant it every time but David, we have all the time in the world. _You_ have all the time in the world.”    
“Broken pieces and all?” David asked. 

“Broken pieces and all.”

“I never wanted to break up,” David said softly, “I know you wanted it, and I can’t say what would have happened if we had stayed together while you were gone but I missed you so much, Matteo. And I didn’t break my promise, I lived. Sometimes it didn’t feel like living because you weren’t there with me though.”

There were tears pooling in Matteo’s eyes, but he wasn’t sad. He quickly wiped them away, “I didn’t either. I kind of regret it. I missed out so much and so did you.” 

“It happened, but…” David looked around again, biting down on his lip hard. He was never good with words. He could write a decent script but sharing his thoughts coherently was beyond him. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you do it?” 

Matteo started to pace around the bottom of the pool as well, making it so that he and David were both slowly circling each other, daring to get close without ever making contact. Everything they had done from the very start of their relationship had led them here. They were in new, uncharted territory now and David needed to accept that. All of this had been learning that things weren’t going to be like they used too, Matteo and he had grown on their own and they needed to readjust to that now that they were different. 

It was the still them, but they were different now, they had to adjust to being in a new relationship. Things weren’t the same as they used to be and that was okay.

“I thought it would’ve made things easier, like if we were broken up I’d recover quicker or something. Like I could come back to you and be like ‘look what I did without you’ because I felt like people thought I had only gotten better because of you,” Matteo explained, his voice trembling and words quiet, but David could still hear him clear as day. “I didn’t want people associating my spiral with you. I didn’t want anyone to think that you had done this or had messed up and I wanted to prove that I was my own person. I felt like people only started caring about me after I punched a hole in my wall.” He shrugged, stopping in his tracks and swaying back and forth slightly as though he was trying to decide which way to walk next. “I don’t know. My brain then wasn’t really in a clear place.”

“Can I ask another question?” David asked, hearing how his own voice shook with each word. 

“Okay.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when you got out?”

“Truthfully?”

David nodded, feeling anxiety start to claw at his lungs. No matter what Matteo said, it wouldn’t matter because they were here now, still desperate for each other. Despite all the fear trying to argue with his logic and the proof right in front of him, David was confident now. Life wasn’t like movies, there was no way to skip over the bad parts, but the bad parts weren’t everything. Just because there were bad parts, that didn’t detract from all the beautiful, genuinely happy times.

“I wasn’t ready to come back to you. I’d gotten better but I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship again,” Matteo explained, still swaying but his feet were planted firmly on the ground. 

He took a cautious step closer to Matteo, who stood still with his hands in his pockets, “you know, we’re actually underwater right now, right?”

Matteo bit back a smile, taking a step closer to David while moving his arms in a swimming motion. 

“That means we can’t breathe.”

He scoffed, David just grinned.

“I bet I can hold my breath longer than you.” 

They both inhaled deeply, the sound echoing through the empty space. The blue thread connecting them was no longer twisting and winding. It was a clear, taught line between them. David could feel his heart picking up even though he had kissed Matteo before, there was something new here. There was nothing but bright blue light surrounding them now because of the thread. He closed the space between them and kissed Matteo gently. Matteo let go of his breath, leaning his forehead against David’s. 

“I won,” David laughed. 

“How are we old and I still feel weak at the knees anytime you kiss me?” He asked. His hands were back in his pocket again, it looked like he was fidgeting with something but David couldn’t have been sure. Sometimes Matteo would pull at loose threads or tear pieces of paper when he was anxious. “Rematch.”

“If I win, you tell me what’s in your pocket?” David asked.

“Fine.” 

Again, they both inhaled, staring each other down as though everything depended on this moment. THe look on Matteo’s face said everything, this was more than a game. The string of fate was now glowing so brightly that the whole room was filled with its bright blue glow, reaching every crack, leaving no shadows. Matteo let go of his breath. There was no kiss to follow this time. Instead, he pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket and opened it with a loud _click!_ David let out his breath as he saw two rings inside the box, the same color as the thread. 

“I know this stuff is super cheesy but,” Matteo shrugged, like this was nothing, like he hadn’t just produced two soulmate rings from his pocket. “Jonas told me it was a good idea. We don’t have to wear them if you don’t want too though.” 

“You’re an idiot if you think I’m not wearing that,” David said. “Are you going to put it on me?” 

Matteo took the rings out of the box carefully, handing one to David before he slid the box back in his pocket for a moment. He took David’s hand carefully and put the ring on his finger, David did the same for Matteo. He took a deep breath, lacing their fingers together and gripping tightly. The gesture was supposed to be grounding but David couldn’t help but feel like he was floating through the universe. He had been set adrift and he didn’t think he’d ever want to come back down. 

“Now what?” David asked softly.

“Now we have forever?”

“Honestly, I like the sound of that.”

“So do I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rly don't know how many times I can say thank you for all the help I get writing these chapters. Big shout out to Elise and Lily this time for helping me bounce ideas around and big love for Rue who puts up with me constantly angsting abt this fic ://
> 
> We're two chapters away from the end can y'all believe it !!! I barely can, this fic has been such a wonderful thing to happen to me and I'm so glad that I've been able to share this story with you all.
> 
> As always, please leave a comment and kudos, if you want to talk about the fic with me at all my tumblr is @filmictrans <3 :)


	9. Take My Hand, Take My Whole Life Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If I tell her about you,” David started slowly, “what would you want me to say?”
> 
> “You’re the one who’s the writer, what would you tell her?”
> 
> “I would tell her that…” David looked up at his ceiling as though he were trying to find answers in the cracks and chipped paint. “I’m in love, that I found my soulmate. That he’s the most beautiful man in the world, he’s got the biggest heart and the funniest mind. I’d tell her that I didn’t feel alone anymore because of you.”
> 
> “Anything else? I’m enjoying hearing you wax poetic about me,” Matteo teased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Some talk about depression, anxiety, & inpatient therapy

“You don’t have to run away! I’m here, it’s not like everything’s going to disappear if you admit something’s wrong. If you run, you’re just giving up on all of this, that’s not fair to me. And it certainly isn’t fair to _you_ .” Leonie said as Sara headed for the door. David and Abdi hovered behind the camera, watching intently at the monitor. Sara had her back to Leonie, facing the camera. David’s focus was almost entirely on his actors, praying that this was _the_ take. They had been at this all day, they were so close to finishing production. This was the last scene they had to film and it was the turning point from Act Two of the film into Act Three. 

Sara stopped in her tracks, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. David was waiting for Sara to say her line but instead he watched as she sniffled, squeezing her face up tightly, remaining silent and nearly still. There was more emotion in her performance than the line could have evoked. She regained her composure and walked off camera, past David and Abdi. As a filmmaker, the instinct came in for the shot to then focus in on Leonie but the camera wasn’t his to operate. He hit Abdi’s arm and pointed, praying that Abdi understood. And as if he could read David’s mind, or maybe it wasn’t that hard to figure out, but nonetheless, Abdi focused in on Leonie’s heartbroken, exhausted face with tears running down her cheeks. 

“And cut!” David called out, looking around the set. Sara immediately placed herself at Leonie’s side, they were both wiping tears off each others faces. There were still a few technical things they would have to shoot like match cuts and other little things to make seamless scenes, but they were officially _done_. They had crammed a months worth of filming into a little over two weeks, David couldn’t have been more proud of his team. “That’s a wrap, guys! We did it, we are officially finished shooting Highs & Lows!” 

Abdi and Sam cheered, pulling David into a tight hug and he just hugged them back just as tightly. He couldn’t believe that they were getting close to the end. The edit would take the rest of the school year but they were getting somewhere. David felt like the most harrowing part was behind them, though he knew that he should never have any serious expectations of circumstances. But he was learning how to adapt better. 

“Speech from our wonderful director?” Abdi asked, a shit eating grin on his face. David wasn’t one to talk big like this, he didn’t even know what to say. There was nothing but a stream of ‘thank you’s’ ringing through his head. This film meant so much to him and Abdi, it marked the start of their careers in film. 

“Alright, uh,” he laughed nervously, looking around the room, there was only a handful of people there, the necessary crew and actors. “I’ll give a bigger speech at our wrap party next week but… I just wanted to say thank you guys so, so much for everything you’ve done. It means the world to me and Abdi that you all wanted to work on this film despite only being paid in food and our undying appreciation. Next Saturday, my place, we’ll celebrate for real.”

Everyone circled around David, putting him dead center in a large group hug with some of the people he loved most in the world, it was a moment of genuine happiness. A moment where Matteo’s words finally clicked with David. Happiness was a constant pursuit, it wasn’t something you caught and kept. Being happy means putting in the time, energy, and love into life and trusting that you would be returned with the love and kindness that everyone deserves. The circle finally broke apart and everyone started to pack up their own stuff.

Sara and Leonie were the first to leave, wiping makeup off their faces and giving Sam back all of the clothes and accessories they had borrowed from her over the course of filming. Before leaving, they both gave David another tight hug, babbling through praise and appreciation for David. 

A couple crew members then left once their equipment was packed up and put beside Abdi’s front door for returning the next day. Sam left next, saying she was tired and had to spend all of tomorrow resorting her belongings back into their proper places. She kissed Abdi and punched David in the shoulder before leaving. She stopped at the door and told David she felt really lucky to work on the film, it inspired something new inside her. 

Eventually the only people left in the apartment were Abdi and David, putting all of Abdi’s furniture back where it was before they had made Abdi’s apartment the main set for the film. 

“Can you believe we’re done?” Abdi asked as he pulled two beers out of his fridge. 

“Abdi, we’re nowhere near finished,” David said, his lips pulling into tight frown. “We still have to edit.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s fair but like, dude, film is crazy,” he laughed. “Each stage of the process is a different ending, right? When we finished pre-production, you were excited we were done and ready to film.”

“And full of absolute dread that I was going to fuck this up,” David retorted. He took one of the beers from Abdi and opened it. 

“Stop spiralling,” Abdi said. “Enjoy the moment. We’re done _for now_. We can start editing after Christmas.”

David stayed quiet as he continued to nurse his drink. His mind began to wander to the future, to after they were done with editing their film, after they had graduated. There was a big, empty future ahead of the both of them and all David could hope was that their paths would stay linked. He was finally regaining the found family he had been thrown into so many years ago, he didn’t want to have that torn away from him before they all settled back into their rhythm again.

“What’s your big dream?” David asked, looking over at Abdi to see if he was paying attention. 

“In what way?” Abdi asked right back. “Cause there’s a lot. Like, there are the big dreams I have at night and then there are life goals I have and there are daydreams in class where I think about robots taking over.”

“You’re crazy,” David laughed. “I meant like, in film, what’s the big goal? What’s the dream?”

“I want to make movies that make people happy the same way that Back to the Future makes me happy,” Abdi stated. He was so confident in his words, David wished he had that. “To be able to make something that people think about when they’re sad, that helps them through rough patches… That’s what I want.”

“Okay so, two questions. First, how did I never know that Back to the Future is your go to happy movie? And second,” David bit down on his lip hard, wondering if it was even worth asking. Abdi wasn’t the kind of guy who seemed wrapped up in accolades and fame but it was worth asking anyway. “You don’t want to be known all over for what you do?”

“That’d be cool but… If I died tomorrow, I think I’d die happy because I know the short films we’ve made so far have made people happy,” he explained slowly. “I’d die knowing that I was able to bring some happiness to some people for a while. But yeah, it’d be cool to be like, internationally recognized as the world’s best German cinematographer. That’s not that important though.”

“I really wish my mind worked the way yours does, man.” 

“What about you then? What’s the big film dream?”

“I…” David started but had no clue where to end. He hadn’t thought that far. If he was being honest, David never thought he would make it past eighteen, much less this far into college. Everything he had done up until now had been putting off the inevitable. For the first time in his life, David had hope. He had hope that his life would be full and happy and _long_ , which was hope he never had before. “I don’t know. But I’ll figure it out soon, I think.”

“That’s fine, you’ve got so much life ahead of you, man,” he shrugged. He’d need to ask Abdi how to be so carefree at some point. “Brudis for life though, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” David grinned. 

“I need to hear you say it,” Abdi said with a dead serious look on his face. 

David lifted his bottle to Abdi’s and they hit their bottles together gently, “brudis for life.” That was the first time David had really meant the ‘life’ part. He had a life to live. He was sure of it.

* * *

 

As fondly as David liked to remember his past with Matteo, it wasn’t always rosey and perfect. They weren’t nearly as perfect as David liked to remember them as. Like any couple, they had rough patches and they would fight, but there was always one fight that rang out clear in David’s mind.

The evening had been like any other, Matteo made dinner and David was now doing the dishes while Matteo waited patiently and they talked. The conversation had been one sided that night though, David was unable to keep Matteo’s attention for long and it was getting to him. He usually wasn’t annoyed by things like this but it seemed like one thing after another today.

“I’m thinking maybe I’m going to ask Becker to be my advisor cause Abdi wants him too and it’ll make things down the line easier,” David said as he set down the last dish in the drying rack. He turned back to Matteo to see what his response would be.

“Hm?” Matteo looked up from his phone and David sighed.

“Never mind, it’s nothing,” he grumbled.

“Okay, if you say,” Matteo nodded briefly. “Do you want to play Mario Kart?”

“No, I want to finish our fucking conversation,” David snapped, raising his voice louder than he knew was necessary. 

There had never been a time where David had been more annoyed with Matteo. Deep down, he knew it was just all build up from other stressors in his life, like school and his new shitty coworker Mücke and Laura bugging him about finding an apartment. He wasn’t actually mad at Matteo. His shitty habits were things he was always working on. But that didn’t mean the build up wasn’t there, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t help the fact that he had just yelled at Matteo for forgetting interrupting him in the middle of his sentence to ask if they could play Mario Kart. 

“I zoned out, I’m sorry,” Matteo said, he looked like a hurt puppy and David instantly knew he had fucked up. He couldn’t take it back now. He could apologize and move on, but he couldn’t bring the words past his throat. He kept trying but it felt impossible. 

“But it’s not just that, Matteo, you do this all the time. You interrupt and you forget to do things when I ask you and you’re just never really _here!_ ” David could hear his voice raising, and it didn’t sound like his voice. This didn’t feel like him, but he was still speaking louder than he should. He was still saying things he shouldn’t have been saying with anger. David didn’t have control over his body or his brain. “I feel like I’m following around a toddler half the time, I’m picking up your forgotten mess!”

“You don’t really feel that way,” Matteo muttered, unable to bring himself to look at David. There were already tears in his eyes that were threatening to spill over.

“How do you know that?” He was doing his best not to yell but his voice was already pretty loud. “You’ll text and ask me to bring the USB you forgot at my place for your homework, or you’ll ask where we’re meeting two minutes before we’re supposed to meet or you’ll cook dinner but forget it’s on the stove so it burns!” David has unleashed something he can’t stop. The voice inside of his head that guides him through rough moments pushes back with ‘ _and none of this matters because it’s something he’s working on._ ’ But the rest of David doesn’t seem to listen as much as his heart wants him too.

“It’s not my fault I have ADHD!” Matteo finally yelled back at him. “I forget things, I’m trying so hard, you fucking know that more than anyone! You know this doesn’t just fix itself overnight, I’m _trying!_ ” 

“Well then try harder!” 

There was a loud _smash!_ And the vase that was sitting on the dining table is in a watery, glass shard ridden grave on the floor. Neither of them move to clean up the mess, they’ve barely noticed the broken vase through the anger clouding their minds. 

“What about you, huh?” Matteo’s words bite harshly. David knew what was to come, all of his annoying habits, everything that shouldn’t matter was bubbling up. “You’re avoidant, you don’t reply for days sometimes. The only way I seem to know you’re alive is if I message you on a different app because you’ve decided that you’re too cool for WhatsApp or Instagram or whatever! You’re impossible to reach, you’re always so stuck in your own head because you’re so worried about what everyone else thinks of you!” 

“At least I can face my problems and I don’t have to go and break shit to deal with my anger,” he snapped back but all it did was get a bitter laugh from Matteo. 

“That’s rich,” he said, “you literally ran away from me. You were about to run away from everything you have now because you thought people were going to harass you.” 

“Big talk coming from the guy who couldn’t even admit he liked guys until he almost lost _another_ one,” David spat. He didn’t mean any of this, he didn’t believe any of the words he was saying but it was too far now. 

“Again, acting like you’re so perfect, when you’re not, David!” He had never heard his name said with so much anger from Matteo. Maybe playful anger when he won at a video game, or annoyance when he would screw up while trying to help cook dinner. But never real anger like this. _He doesn’t mean it just like you don’t mean it._ “You’re not perfect, you’re anything but! Stop trying to make everyone else feel bad because you don’t seem to have an ounce of confidence! Just admit that you’re scared and unsure of the future like the rest of us!” 

_He doesn’t mean it just like you don’t mean it._

“Confidence like you’re confident in that video game structure independent study you want to do next semester even though you can’t even seem to do your intro to coding homework?” 

_He doesn’t mean it just like you don’t mean it._

“Low blow,” Matteo sounded like he had the wind knocked out of him. “At least I don’t have a stick up my ass, parading myself around like I’m some hot shit because I watch indie movies and talk about _film_ not _movies_.” 

_He doesn’t mean it just like you don’t mean it._

“And I don’t think I’m hot shit because I know every Legend of Zelda game better than I know my friends.” 

_He doesn’t mean it just like you don’t mean it._

“And I don’t think I’m so cool just because I know how to draw a little.”

_He doesn’t mean it just like you don’t mean it._

“At least I don’t need my best friend to remind me to take my _phone_ when I leave for school in the morning!”

_He doesn’t mean it just like you don’t mean it._

“At least I have friends! All of your friends are really just my friends!” 

The voice stopped it’s repetition, almost like it had stopped believing what it was trying to convince David.

The air was thick with tension now. David didn’t know what to say. Maybe he did mean everything he had said. None of it was a lie, David was a wreck. He pretended to have it all together, because he felt like if he didn’t let anyone really know his fears he’d magically be better than he was. Maybe Matteo thought he was doing David favors being with him, because he could own up to his bullshit he was better.

David didn’t have anything to say, he couldn’t even track how they had gotten here in the first place. Yelling at each other. They hadn’t yelled like this since David was honest about why he thought he couldn’t go back to school. 

“Fuck you too, Matteo,” David could barely hear himself, he figured Matteo couldn’t hear him either. He couldn’t bring himself to look at him though. It all hurt too much. This didn’t feel like the end but David nothing in David wanted to say sorry.

He left the kitchen and grabbed his backpack and jacket. He was out the door before Matteo could try to stop him and he could feel tears streaming down his face as he fled down the stairs. On the way out he ran into Jonas, quite literally, almost knocking the both of them over. 

“Whoa, whoa, David, what’s up?” Jonas asked, the worry on his face clear. No one but Matteo had seen David unravelled like this before. 

“I don’t know, ask _your_ best friend,” David choked out, brushing by Jonas without another word. 

That fight was their worst fight to date. 

It broke David inside, knowing that they both had it in them to be nasty like that, to fight each other like that. It was like they were on opposing sides of a meaningless war and David wanting nothing more than to call a truce with Matteo. Fix it and make it right because neither of them meant anything they said, right?

They didn’t talk for two days after that, which was the longest they had gone without talking since David ghosted Matteo when they were in high school. When they finally made up, David had reached out first. He had gotten over himself, or well, Laura had talked him down from his anger as soon as he got back home. Then he waited a little for Matteo to cool off. 

They met over coffee. David swore he didn’t mean any of it, but made it clear that he wasn’t trying to excuse what he had said. Matteo said the same. It hadn’t felt like the end though, not once through their fight and the silence did David really feel like things were over. Maybe it was dumb luck that they weren’t, because he had been nasty. He had no idea what was truly going on in Matteo’s head either, but he hoped that he hadn’t once considered really ending it with David. 

Neither of them were perfect but they didn’t need to be perfect, they had never promised each other that they were going to be perfect anyway. They had accepted each other, broken parts and all before, David knew he would do it for as long as Matteo needed him too. 

David just prayed that Matteo would do the same.

 

* * *

 

Through all of the chaos David’s mind had gone through the past few weeks, he had realized that therapy was more important than ever. He knew he wasn’t fixed, he’d never fully be fixed. It was hard for him to accept the fact that there was no real ‘end’ to recovery, and even harder to accept that it was definitely not linear, that there would be setbacks and that he would still fall back into that state of mind sometimes. But it was better than the alternatives. 

“How’s your week been, David?” Angie asked before David even had the chance to sit down on the not new but still sort of new couch.

“It’s been… Solid. It’s been good actually,” David nodded slowly as he pulled his sketchbook from his backpack. “I’ve had a few moments of panic but… No soulmate shit or any depressive episodes.”

“Well, let’s talk about the panic then, what’s been going on there?” 

“I’m scared of the future,” David admitted. 

“As in ‘what does fate have in store for me’ scared or you don’t know what to expect scared?” 

“Somewhere in the middle, I’m not really sure where I want to end up and that scares me a little bit,” he explained, keeping his voice soft. There was no one around to listen to what they were talking about. No one would care anyway. This was a therapist's office after all, everyone had their own pressing issues. An overheard snippet of conversation meant nothing to them. “I didn’t think I’d get this far.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Angie, you know what I mean by that.”

“Alright, fine. But David, you did. You got here. You’ve gotten through so much, I know you never thought you’d have a future you could dream of but now you do. Whatever you want is yours for the taking, you’re in control of your own story,” Angie said, her tone never wavering from how confident she sounded. She actually seemed like she believed everything she was telling David, which mean that she believed in him too. 

“You sound like my mom,” he laughed.

“She’s a very wise woman,” Angie said with a kind smile. “You do know what you want to do though, right? Long term?”

“Yeah, I want to direct, and probably write too,” he said, his focus leaving Angie and going to his sketchbook. He started to loosely sketch out loose shapes, not sure where he was going with them.

“Then you’ll do that. But I think… Don’t try and tackle it all at once, think a couple years out but not the end of your life, old age out there,” she explained, “where do you want to be in ten years?”

“I think that’s too far out,” David said, not even wanting to entertain that thought. He could feel the anxiety press down on his chest just trying. In ten years he’d be thirty-two, if he even made it that long. 

“What about in five years then?”

“More manageable,” He nodded. That was still in his twenties. That seemed doable. He’d be alive in five years.

“Any ideas?”

David took a moment to collect his racing thoughts, they were all over the place but he knew he could manage to form them into coherent sentences. Or at the very least, sentences he knew Angie would understand.

“I think--” 

“Not I think, what do you _want_?” Angie pushed. 

“Okay, fine,” David stuck her tongue out at her. Childish? Maybe. Fitting for the situation? Probably not. “I want to be married to Matteo.”

“Is that it?” Angie asked, trying to pull more out of him.

“And I want to be working on a feature film, or a TV show. And I want to be writing for sure.” 

Angie took notes on her legal pad, David could hear the scratch of her pen against the page. He always wondered what the notes did exactly, how thorough were they? How much were they for her to remember the session as it was happening and how much were they for her later when David was gone?

“Do you believe that’s what’s best for you?” She asked, David could see in his peripheral that she was looking at him again but his attention remained on his sketchbook, the shapes had turned into the faces of his friends without him realizing. Amira and Abdi were at the forefront currently, their profiles taking up most of the space on the page. 

“Working in film? Yeah, definitely,” David nodded. “Abdi and I talked the other day after we finished filming and he said something that kind of clicked with me about filmmaking, that he just wanted to be able to make stuff that made people happy the way his favorite movies make him happy. I think that’s a good goal. Maybe not specifically mine, but I know film is the way to like… Make art that I want to share widely. I want to be able to share people’s stories.”

“Good, good,” Angie was smiling. “I know the future is scaring you right now but this is the most hopeful you’ve seemed in a while, David. I’m liking this energy.”

David stayed quiet, unsure of what he should say now. He didn’t want there to be an expectation that this would be something consistent, especially because he knew that there would be times he would fall again. Recovery wasn’t a linear process, he knew Angie knew that, but he didn’t want to risk disappointing himself more than anyone else now. 

“Don’t think too much about it now,” Angie warned, quickly quelling the anxiety that had started to build in his mind. “Let’s just keep talking about your goals, alright?” He nodded again, waiting for her to continue as she was guiding him through this new headspace. He still wasn’t familiar with actually planning a future that didn’t revolve around getting top surgery and graduating film school. “How much are you willing to let things change so you can achieve the goals you have now?”

“Can I have a moment to think about it?” David asked quietly.

“Take all the time you need,” Angie said. 

There was nothing but quiet for a good amount of time, maybe ten minutes or so. David had just focused on the drawing of his friends, he had filled in the borders with smaller, more cartoony portraits of his other friends, like Sam, Sara, and Leonie and in between all of them, he began to roughly sketch out flowers of all shapes, sizes, and types. There were hyacinths, roses, sunflowers, lavender, and flowers he couldn’t name, but remembered from Rebekka’s shop. He thought about Rebekka while he drew, making sure to add a small portrait of her right next to Laura and Linn. 

Rebekka would have told him that he should follow his heart with his future, but also to keep some trust in the universe. If he wanted to achieve his dreams, David was going to have to make himself more comfortable with taking risks he wasn’t familiar with.

“I’m willing to let them change as much as they need too so I can get where I want to be,” he finally answered, managing to pull his eyes from the sketchbook finally to look over at Angie. She had just been watching him, which at first made him a little uncomfortable, but he knew that it wasn’t supposed to be uncomfortable. She was his therapist. 

“And how does Matteo fit into that?” She asked.

“I want him in my life,” David said, which Angie just nodded at, gesturing for him to continue. “I want that to work out, he means so much to me. And I want us to both have the opportunities we need to get where we want to be in our lives.” 

“So you can see yourself being comfortable compromising sometimes?” 

“Yeah, definitely. I don’t want to stop him from reaching his dreams and I know he doesn’t want to stop me from reaching mine.” There were very few things in the universe that David could be sure of anymore, but the things he knew, he believed in with every fiber of his being. 

Things David considered inexplicable truths: Laura would always be there for him, the boys were his brudis for life _for sure_ , he loved film with his whole being, and he and Matteo were endgame, plain and simple.

The things that David wasn’t sure of was literally everything else. For the first time in his life though, he was okay not knowing everything. 

“I know the future is scary, David,” Angie started, setting down her legal pad beside her. “Fate and the universe aside, that’s the beauty of life. We don’t know what’s coming next, but you work hard and trust that things are going to turn out right. You have a long, beautiful life ahead of you and I’m so proud of how far you’ve already come.” 

The rest of their meeting, Angie and David talked about more literal things, less about feelings and more about a plan of action that David could start himself on. She told him to ask Becker about internships, she told him that he should have a goal to write a certain amount of script pages a week (but that it was okay if he didn’t always meet the goal), and at the end of it all, she told reminded him that it was okay to take a step back and just enjoy the moment he was in. 

Just because there was so much life ahead of him that he had yet to live, didn’t mean he had to completely ignore the life he was living now.

 

* * *

 

“Have you guys started editing?” Amira asked as she clicked through the stills from the shoot on David’s computer. He and Abdi had been particularly proud of the scenes that involved Omar’s character and Sara talking. In the film their characters had a strange, unusual relationship where they had dated briefly for a time before Sara’s character had come to terms with what she wanted. But they had remained good friends, continuing to help each other grow. As soon as they had started reviewing the footage, David had realized that the film was a lot more reflective of his real life than he had initially expected.

“Not yet, Abdi said we need to save it for after Christmas. Give our minds a creative break,” David said, watching as Amira stopped on a still of Mohammed and Sam cleaning up make up brushes. 

It was a behind the scenes capture, but David had begun to boost their films game on Instagram which meant sharing behind the scenes photos and videos. He hadn’t been in the film, or done much during the actual shoot but Mohammed had been there as moral support, as well as being an extra hand if they needed. Which they needed _a lot_. The post he had scheduled to post was ‘Costume Designer and Set Puppy cleaning after a long day’, it wasn’t smart or all that funny to anyone outside the crew. But Mohammed was a puppy, it couldn’t be denied. “You good there, Amira?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” she practically slammed her finger down on the trackpad to click to the next photo which was just a blurry photo of Sam putting make-up on Sara.

“How’re things going with you two?” David asked, leaning in as though she were about to share a big secret in a crowded place when they were just sitting in their kitchen like any other evening.

“He wants ten kids,” Amira sighed, hiding her face in her hands. 

“Ten? I think you might have to break up with him,” David said, his tone was half serious, half joking. Ten kids was too many, and for all he knew, Mohammed could have been serious. He was a goofy guy, but he seemed to have a very, for lack of a better word, _extra_ energy.

“It’s… It’s not just that, I think I’m in over my head, David,” Amira said as she shook her head. Her phone buzzed on the table, she peaked at the screen but immediately covered her face again. “Love isn’t worth it.”

“Worth what?” David pushed because he knew that Amira needed to talk through her problems. 

“Worth the stress! The anxiety, the pain, I feel like I’m being jostled around and thrown every which way,” she slumped forward, pushing the computer away from her. 

“Hey, hey, Amira, it’s okay,” David offered his hand to her if she wanted to hold it. “I know it’s scary and intimidating and overwhelming but it’s not the end of the world that you’re in love.”

“What if it’s not even real though? What if I tricked myself into feeling like this?”

“You can’t trick the universe into making the thread appear though,” David countered. 

“What if the universe was wrong about him being my soulmate?” She argued, seeming a little too worked up to concede to any point David might make. “This thread, the string… It’s… I don’t know what it is. I thought it was Allah maybe… I don’t know. I feel so confused now.” 

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is how you feel about him,” he said softly. “Don’t overthink it, just… Try to enjoy the moment.”

“How can I enjoy it when I feel like it’s breaking me though?”

David didn’t know what to say to her. He wasn’t nearly as equipped to help her through this than he thought he was. He couldn’t fix her problems with Mohammed, he didn’t have the magic answers to make Amira’s pain go away. The only thing he could really do was be there for her, but he couldn’t be sure that would be enough.

“He also tried to kiss me,” Amira’s voice was barely above a whisper now.

“Wait, what?”

“He tried to kiss me. Or well, he asked if he could kiss me with his eyes or whatever and then he didn’t cause I didn’t want it, or well, I pretended that I didn’t want it, but…” She sighed, drumming her fingers against the tabletop. “I don’t know, David. I feel like I’m being pulled a thousand different directions. It’s like I’m losing myself because of my feelings.” 

“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” David asked as his mind started to form a way for Amira to calm down for a little while. He knew he wouldn’t be able to fix the problem, it wasn’t his problem to fix in the first place. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t support her by easing the pain for a little while. 

“Uh, no, why?” She looked at him weird.

“Well, not to detract from the chaos that’s going on in your head, but I think you need to just… Wind down and chill,” David explained as he got up from the dining table, crossing their kitchen. “I’m thinking ice cream and shitty romcom’s and maybe inviting the girls over?”

“How’s that supposed to help?” Amira asked, giggling a little bit.

“It does nothing long term, but for now, it makes you stop thinking as much,” he said as he pulled a carton of ice cream out of the freezer. “Sound good?”

“Fine,” Amira rolled her eyes. “Can I ask you one more thing though?”

“Of course,” David turned back to her as a way to show she had his full attention. 

“How… How did it get easier for you?” Amira asked, “how did you get okay with the idea of being in love?”

“Honestly, I was always okay with it,” David shrugged. “I’ve always been in love with something or someone I think, and I’ve been in love with Matteo since we first hung out during the abi prank committee meeting.”

“Neither of you were there though,” Amira said, looking at him confused.

“Yeah, we were getting high in some hallway,” he laughed when he saw how shocked her face was. He could’ve sworn she knew about how Matteo and him first hung out, maybe she forgot. Or maybe they forgot to tell anyone how it all began. “But that’s beside the point. My problem was with something out there telling me I had no choices in my life. Or at least that’s what I thought fate was doing.” 

“And so how’d you get okay with that?”

“I’m not really okay with it, but it helped to start thinking about it a different way. I’m not being forced into this story, I’m… I’m choosing it. I’m calling the shots, even if the outcome is predetermined, I’m getting there on my own terms,” David said as he pulled spoons out of their utensil drawer. 

“So it’s just waiting?”

“No, but it is a lot of heavy emotional work to get there.” 

“That’s awful.”

“I know. But we don’t have to start right now. We can just hide behind romcom’s until you’re ready. Or until we can’t stand them anymore.” 

“David?” Amira said.

“Yeah, habibi?”

“You really get me.” 

 

* * *

 

Taking steps towards making his future better meant that David had to acknowledge a part of him that he had pushed deep down when he left home. He missed his mom. She had always been a good person, and good people did bad things sometimes. David was a great example of that, shutting down and running away wasn’t a good thing. Ghosting the boy that he was sure he was falling in love with wasn’t a good thing. But he had been given a second chance. And his mom was asking for one with the letter. He thought about calling, but something inside him kept saying that a letter was the best route to go.

At least that’s what he had thought three hours ago, but now it was almost three in the morning and all David wanted to do was hide in his bed. But he felt like he wouldn’t be able to sleep until he had gotten the letter done. His mind was so one track sometimes, like he had broken the track switching lever and now he was stuck. But her letter had meant the world to him. Seeing his mom’s handwriting, the now extremely faint smell of rose the paper held, it stirred up _good_ memories in David’s mind. 

He needed help. 

  


**David  
** _You up?_

 

 **Matteo**   
_Really lazy way of trying to get me over there at 3am lol_

 

 **David**   
_Get your mind out of the gutter_ _  
_ _I was gonna ask if I could call you but now I won’t :P_

  


Before David could lock his phone Matteo’s caller I.D. showed up on his screen, it was a photo of the two of them at Jonas’ birthday party. He had forgotten that was Matteo’s photo. A few weeks ago, it would’ve made him turn off his phone completely, but now he was just happy. He slid the ‘answer call’ button and lifted his phone to his ear.

“Are you okay?” Matteo asked, his voice sounded tired with sleep.

“If I woke you up, you should go back to sleep,” David said. Matteo made a disgruntled noise on the other end, David knew exactly what face he was making. It was the one where his face scrunched up, twisted with thought.

“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t help my man in… The middle of the night?”

“A reasonable one,” David replied.

“We both know I’m not that,” Matteo laughed. David wished he was there, he could just melt into Matteo’s arms right about now. “Now tell me what’s up?”

“Okay, okay,” David sighed, sliding out of his desk chair and onto the floor. He leaned his back up against the wall, trying to use it as a support so he could talk through his thoughts with Angie’s anxiety fighting method. “I’m trying to write a letter back to my mom but… I don’t know what to say.”

“What did the letter say? You never actually told me,” he mumbled, David felt terrible for keeping him up but Matteo was his own person. He had to keep reminding himself that. He told Matteo he could go back to sleep. Matteo offered his help. David picked up the wrinkled paper from his mom and read it slowly to Matteo. This was the first time he was actually reading the letter out loud since receiving it. The first time Amira had read it outloud, the second time he read it by the light of his phone under his covers, over and over stolen readings at work, on the bus, at school, even before his meeting with Angie when he showed it to her. But never once had he read it out loud.

Once he was done reading the letter he waited for Matteo’s response, but all he heard on the other end of the phone was sniffling. “Matteo, are you okay?” He knew his voice was full of concern, he was ready to jump up from the floor at a moments notice and make his way to Matteo’s apartment. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Matteo said with a laugh, “I just… Your mom is really eloquent. And I think if my dad ever sent me anywhere near as articulate as _that_ , I would’ve broke down sobbing. But I wouldn’t reply to him.”

“Are you saying I shouldn’t reply?” David asked, biting down on his lip. There was another pause on the line while Matteo took his usual ten seconds to process a thought.

“Just don’t lie if you do write her back,” Matteo said. “Be honest. About everything.”

“Good advice,” he muttered. 

“I know.” David knew he was grinning like the dumbass he was. So proud that he had gotten something right, though he rarely got anything wrong. 

“If I tell her about you,” David started slowly, “what would you want me to say?”

“You’re the one who’s the _writer_ , what would you tell her?”

“I would tell her that…” David looked up at his ceiling as though he were trying to find answers in the cracks and chipped paint. “I’m in love, that I found my soulmate. That he’s the most beautiful man in the world, he’s got the biggest heart and the funniest mind. I’d tell her that I didn’t feel alone anymore because of you.”

“Anything else? I’m enjoying hearing you wax poetic about me,” Matteo teased.

“I’d also tell her that you’re an insufferable egomaniac,” David said, though they both knew he didn’t believe that. Nor that he’d actually write that. “I think I’d also tell her that she needs to meet you someday because you make everyone’s life a little brighter just by saying ‘hi’ to them.”

There’s quiet for some time on the line, David found himself scribbling notes of what to write about in his sketchbook between doodles of cactus people and flower dogs. It was a weird cartoon idea he had that was going nowhere, at least for now. 

“Do you think she’d like me?” Matteo finally asked.

“I think she’d love you.” 

“Maybe ask her if she wants to get dinner sometime then. Another olive branch. And I’ll go with you if you want.”

“Thank you.” 

“For what?”

“This.” 

“It’s nothing, chalk it up to an act of love,” Matteo muttered, the sleepiness in his voice present now than it had been just a moment before.

“Babe, go to sleep,” David pushed, “I’m going to hang up, okay?”

“Okay, read me your letter in the morning?”

“I’ll send you a voice message as soon as I’m done writing it.” 

“I love you, David.” 

“I love you too, Matteo.” 

There was a snore in response on the other end which made David laugh to himself. He hung up and set his phone down again. He moved back to his desk chair and situated himself with a clean sheet of paper from his sketchbook. He had tried many letters already, the crumpled up balls of paper surrounding him were proof, but they were all on lined paper or regular printer paper. Maybe this would trick his mind or maybe it would actually help, but David knew he wanted to write this letter to his mom. 

He wanted to tell her about everything that had been going on in his life, maybe she didn’t deserve to know, but he wanted her to know. David wanted to let himself be open with her, because maybe being open with her would lead to more good than bad. 

When he finished the letter, the sun was just starting to rise outside his window and David felt absolutely exhausted. He read it outloud twice, once to himself, once to Matteo on a voice message.

As he was getting ready to sleep, his phone lit up in his dark room. On the screen was a text from Matteo. 

  


**Matteo  
** _You didn’t have to make me wake up crying :/_

 

 **David**   
_That bad huh?  
_I knew it wasn’t good hmm

 

 **Matteo** ****  
_Can’t believe you said you wanted to marry me still  
_ _It’s been years and you still want to do that?_

 

 **David  
** _Just the truth_

 

 **Matteo  
** _I really broke down when you said “I would pull the stars from the sky and the moon from her home if it meant I could have Matteo forever”_

 

 **David** _  
_ _It felt wrong not telling her how i really felt_

 

 **Matteo  
** _Were you ever going to tell me that?_

 

 **David  
** _Yeah in my wedding vows ;)_

 

 **Matteo  
** _Is this your way of proposing to me?  
_ _Cause if so, it sucks :P_

 

 **David  
** _Why do i feel like we’ve had this conversation before_

  


When there was no response, or two blue check marks to show Matteo had at least seen it, David assumed he had fallen back asleep.

  


**Matteo  
** _When I first told my mom about you I told her that I’d swim across oceans if it meant I could be with you_

 

 **David  
** _We’re dramatic huh_

 

 **Matteo  
** _Extremely_

 

 **David  
** _Go to sleep_

 

 **Matteo  
** _You first_

 

 **David** _  
_ _I love you_

 

 **Matteo  
** _I love you too_

  


* * *

 

David knew better than to show his real feelings to people when he was angry. 

When Abdi had let it drop that Matteo was back while they were trying to make plans, David felt a rush of anger rush through him with intense force. He wasn’t going to show it though. Instead, he pushed it down, asked Abdi how Matteo was doing, then told him he’d text him later about their film. He considered calling Sara or Leonie to lament but he didn’t need someone who would nod along in agreement, he needed someone who would counter him, tell him he needed to calm down. 

He needed his sister. 

He didn’t even call Laura before showing up at her apartment, it was lucky that she was home because he didn’t have any clue what to do if she hadn’t been. She was surprised when she opened the door to him, and he didn’t allow any room for any pleasantries before brushing by Laura, making a beeline for her fridge. 

Sure, it was a Tuesday and it was barely evening, but David needed a drink. He needed to mellow out. 

“He’s back and he didn’t tell me he’s back which means he hates me, doesn’t it?” David sighed, leaning back against the kitchen counter.

“Are we talking about Matteo?” Laura asked, frowning at David when she saw the drink. “I think that’s a little dramatic considering you haven’t even talked to him.”

“Yeah, but he didn’t tell me he was back,” David took a swig from the beer and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Do you know how long he’s been back?” Laura grabbed a bottle of wine and poured herself a glass. David knew the look on her face well, if he was going to drink, she wasn’t about to let him drink alone. Especially on a Tuesday night. Otherwise he’s being sad and a little depressing.

“I didn’t want to seem too confused or eager.”

“Moron,” Laura stuck her tongue out at David before she pulled out her phone. David tried to lean over to see what she was doing but she just pulled back, hiding her screen from him. “So according to Instagram, he got back three days ago, he’s still settling in.”

“Did you just cyberstalk my ex?” He asked, eyes wide with surprise. He didn’t think Laura had it in her, especially for how little she seemed to care for Matteo. 

“Yeah, because you obviously don’t have the mind to do it yourself.” She slapped his arm for emphasis, unable to contain her grin and giggles.

“Laura, this is serious. He didn’t tell me he’s back. What if they made him realize he doesn’t need me?”

“The only way you’re going to know that is if you talk to him.” 

David shrugged as a response and made a point to down the rest of his drink with relative ease, earning him an extremely threatening, as well as concerned, glare from his sister. He sunk into himself, occupying his fingers with attempting to tear off the label on the bottle without ruining the logo. He knew Laura was right, he could admit that, but he didn’t want to entertain the idea of reaching out to Matteo before Matteo was ready to talk to him for multiple reasons. 

What if Matteo didn’t want him anymore?

What if Matteo wasn’t ready to talk just yet?

What if David and Matteo had grown into two completely opposite people in their time apart and there was no fixing it meaning they lost everything they had?

Maybe, _just maybe_ , his brain was spiralling down a hole of bad thoughts but it wasn’t like he could just push them away. They’d still be there, causing him to doubt himself, to take himself less seriously. David’s mental health didn’t rely on Matteo, but knowing that Matteo was finally back after months of being gone left a weird feeling inside his chest. He didn’t know where to go from where he was. 

There were fingers in front of his eyes and a _snap!_ that brought David back to Earth, away from his downward spiral. 

“Earth to David? Earth to David?” Laura’s voice sounded a lot harsher to his mind than it actually was, but knowing that didn’t change anything when David practically slapped her hand away from his face.

“What?” He frowned. 

“What’s going on in that big, dumb head of yours?”

“I’m just scared, Laura. I feel like I’ve lost a part of me that I’m never going to get back.” 

“You’re such a drama king,” Laura pushed him gently as she took a sip of her wine. “You just have to put your faith in the universe that things will turn out how you want them too. And don’t get too upset or overwhelmed when they don’t.”

“I missed when you were a cynic like me,” David teased. “Love’s made you weak.”

“Not to sound like a really bad superhero movie but dude? Love made me stronger.”

David bit his lip in thought, his fingers still fidgeting with the beer label, struggling to pull it off cleanly from the glass surface. For a while they stood in silence, when Laura realized that David didn’t seem to plan on speaking anytime soon she turned on her speaker and pulled up an old, old playlist that David put together years ago. It was an extremely cheesy playlist he had titled ‘best music city ever’ and the only music on it was upbeat Motown songs. 

David didn’t even move from where he stood until Laura made him because she was beginning to cook dinner. By the portions he could see Laura setting aside in his periphery, she seemed to be cooking for him as well as herself and Linn. He stayed quiet until he managed to finally pull the label off the bottle cleanly, setting it down on the counter to smooth out the wrinkles it had developed from the bottles condensation. 

“What do I do if I don’t get him back?” David asked as a Stevie Wonder song came on. Laura stopped in her tracks and crossed the kitchen back over to David. She took his hands in her own and squeezed them tightly, trying to hide the sadness in her eyes, but David knew her too well. 

“You come tell me immediately,” she instructed, “and we drown your heartbreak with ice cream and The Great British Baking Show. And then we pick up the pieces from there, alright? You’re going to keep living no matter what.”

“How do you know that?” David struggled to speak clearly with the lump that had built up in his throat, he was fighting back tears. 

“Because you’ve lived through so much this far,” she started, her grip on his hands getting tighter. “You’ve put up with so much from the world, I’m not letting a little bit of heartbreak be the end of the strongest person I know.” 

David rolled his eyes and laughed half-heartedly. He certainly didn’t feel strong, especially not with tears threatening to spill from his eyes any second now. He didn’t feel strong because even thinking about the possibility of losing Matteo for good was about to make him breakdown any second now. He didn’t feel strong knowing that the past months without Matteo felt like the longest, hardest months he had ever lived through. 

Since being kicked out and only having Laura, David had tried to make it so he didn’t have to rely on anyone for anything. No feelings, no genuine connection, and then when he met Matteo everything had changed. Matteo didn’t just fall into his life with only himself to give, he brought very real, very tangible love into David’s world. Love from Matteo, love from all of his-- all of _their_ friends, and he didn’t want to lose that. He couldn’t lose that.

“I’m serious,” Laura said before she let go of his hands. “So many people would’ve just… Given up at literally any point where you were faced with the most struggle, and you’re still here. We’ll figure this out, I promise. This won’t be the end.”

“That’s a really big promise to keep,” David teased, still finding it hard to speak from how close to tears he was. “Sure you’re up to the task?”

“Of course I’m up for it, I’m the best big sister in the world,” Laura said, winking at him. 

“I’m holding you to it, Laura.”

“I know. And I wouldn’t make a promise I couldn’t keep.”

 

* * *

 

David, Amira, and Abdi had spent the whole afternoon cleaning up and then setting up for the guests that were coming over. Usually Amira and David weren’t the ones to throw the party because Amira didn’t want to keep alcohol in the house, which David respected. He didn’t drink that much so it didn’t bother him, but they were holding this party because Abdi had given up the comfort of having a real home for the past three weeks for the sake of the thesis film. The least David could do was host the wrap party. 

At Abdi’s request, there were also Christmas decorations littering the walls and tables. He said it was for holiday cheer, knowing it would be the last time that they would all be together until New Years. Though David had a sneaking suspicion it was because he wanted to catch David and Matteo underneath mistletoe, for as many string lights as Abdi brought, there were at least two little mistletoe hangings to hang off of it.

People started to trickle in slowly, first it was the production crew, Amira’s brothers, then the rest of the girls, and other people David didn’t recall inviting. The party was in full swing by the time Matteo had arrived with Jonas. The music was bouncing, people were enjoying themselves, and David was resisting every urge he had to gravitate right to Matteo’s side. He had to let him make the rounds and say hi to people before David kept him at his side the whole night. 

“Hey, man!” Jonas exclaimed, pulling David into a hug, “congrats on finishing filming, I’m excited to see the end product. You guys are going to do a screening when you’re done, right?”

“Don’t know when it’ll be but I promise that as soon as we’re done, you’ll be one of the first people to know,” David said, unable to help the big smile that was pulling at his face. “How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been… Overwhelmed,” Jonas said, laughing a little. “But a good kind of overwhelmed, my research is going great but my advisor wants me to organize my own protest against climate change so I can talk about my own connection to the cause, so… I may be hitting you up soon for some posters.”

“You can count on me,” David grinned, raising his beer up to Jonas’ and clinking their bottles together. 

Before they could continue their conversation, Jonas was taken away by Carlos for a supposedly very urgent situation, though David had a feeling that Carlos was just going to ask for some girl advice. The party wore on, people danced and sang to bouncy pop songs, David couldn’t seem to find Matteo though. He was starting to lose hope, maybe he should just text him and see if he wanted to disappear to the roof and be alone together for a little while. 

It was great to see everyone he loved in one place though. He got to talk to everyone he hadn’t seen, or really talked too whether it was because of the fact that he had distanced himself on purpose, or just because they hadn’t been able to keep up with each other. 

David made his own rounds through the party, checking in on his friends and classmates. He was doing his best to be a good host because he had lost Amira a while ago, literally lost her. He had checked everywhere but she had vanished without a trace. She really hadn’t been doing well lately, he had a feeling that the party wasn’t helping either. He would need to make it up to her somehow. He hoped she was okay for the time being, praying that she had reached out to one of the girls if not him. He would’ve gone to look for her but he wasn’t about to leave the apartment half-full of strangers with a bunch of alcohol.

Eventually everyone who was ‘supposed’ to be at the party had shown up, according to Abdi at least. Sam turned down the music as Abdi gathered everyone in a circle around David. He spotted Amira in the crowd with Kiki and Hanna beside her, almost seeming to guard her from the others surrounding them.

“You promised us a speech last week, Mr. Director,” Abdi said with a mischievous grin. 

“I will end you,” David said through gritted teeth. He looked out across the sea of familiar faces, many of his and Abdi’s classmates, their whole crew, even Laura and Linn, and standing right in between Abdi and Jonas, there was Matteo. He was smiling the brightest, proudest smile at David, he looked like he was going to burst from happiness at any moment. Seeing Matteo brought calm to David though and he smiled right back at him.

“Hey, everyone,” he spoke a little louder now, hoping he’d be able to keep the attention of a crowd. He had said he would give a speech at the party as an excuse to buy him time to figure out how to eloquently say all of his feelings about shooting the film. But David hadn’t worked on any of that like he had planned. Some things just slipped away like that. “Uh… I’m David, as you all know.” He laughed awkwardly and took a quick drink from his bottle. “Sorry, I thought I was going to be more ready for this, but…” He looked around the room for a moment before he decided to keep his focus on Matteo. He was his grounding point, he always would be. 

“Abdi and I have been working on Highs & Lowssince August of last year. Every piece of this film is some part of myself, or Abdi, or the both of us. When we decided to work on our thesis film as partners, we knew it was going to be a rough and difficult road ahead of us, so when I started writing the script I knew that the story had to be about this journey of self-acceptance and growth. Life is really strange and weird and overwhelming and kind of really crazy, but we have to focus in on the important moments to us. Sometimes we need to take a step back and look at the picture, but we should never let any of the anxiety we have about the future stop us from living our lives now. And this film… Well, I’m praying this film has something in it that everyone can relate too, whether it’s the acceptance, or the growth, or whatever. I hope it ends up meaning as much to you all as it means to me and Abdi.” 

There was a moment where no one said anything, David could feel a weight start to push down on his shoulders. Had he said the wrong thing? Did no one want to hear his sappy monologuing about life? Before the thoughts could spiral, Matteo slammed into David and wrapped him up in a tight hug. He managed to pick him up off the ground and spin him around before setting him back down. There was clapping and a couple of hollers from the people surrounding the both of them now, but the only person in the room that mattered was Matteo. 

“Kiss!” Abdi practically screeched over the clapping. David was about to turn and argue with Abdi that he wasn’t the kind of guy that gave into peer pressure but Matteo tapped his nose and pointed upwards. He looked above them, where there was a comically large bundle of mistletoe hanging from the ceiling. It looked like it had been bound together with scotch tape and crappy dollar store ribbon. And then it finally clicked as to why Abdi brought so much mistletoe with him. 

“Do you want to?” David whispered as he turned back to Matteo, not wanting to pressure him into anything he didn’t want to do. It wasn’t Abdi’s call, it was their choice to make together.

“If you’re down, I’m down,” Matteo whispered back. The Christmas lights above them twinkled in Matteo’s crisp blue eyes, just noticing that made David think that he might’ve been living in a romcom like Matteo had been saying all this time. “We should probably let everyone know we’re back together anyway.” 

“You never cease to surprise me,” David chuckled before leaning in and placing a gentle kiss against Matteo’s lips. It took all of David’s willpower to stay in the room, to stay in the moment where they were surrounded by people they knew who had all just gasped or cheered because of a simple kiss. It wasn’t just a simple kiss though, David knew better than that. It was a kiss between soulmates.

They really were living in a romcom, huh?

 

* * *

 

When they finally managed to get everyone out of the apartment, Matteo and David immediately crawled into bed and curled up. They weren’t tired in the slightest, but they just wanted peace with each other. It was nice to be around everyone again, but nothing compared to the time when they were alone. Matteo was sitting in David’s lap while his computer ran through vine compilations but neither was paying attention to the screen. They were too wrapped up in each other to take notice to the Krispy Kreme backflip or fresh avocados from Del Taco. 

David had only left one of his lamps on, he wanted to settle into the dark room with Matteo and hide away from the world until 

“How are you feeling?” David whispered, even though there was no one around to eavesdrop on them, especially since they were alone in the apartment because Amira had disappeared again. David was hoping that the girls were doing their best to be the most supportive friends they could be to Amira. If they weren’t, David was more than ready to pick up the pieces. 

“I’m okay. The party was a lot, but fun,” Matteo mumbled. “Really glad everyone is gone though, I always forget how exhausting parties are until they’re almost over though.” 

“Emotionally draining?” David asked as he ran his fingers through Matteo’s hair, massaging his head gently. 

“Kind of? I think it just hits a point where it’s really fun and then I’m suddenly really overstimulated, y’know?” Matteo explained. “I’m still not super aware of the signs I’m feeling like that until it’s the all or nothing feeling.”

“Everything takes work,” David said. “You’re the one who told me that happiness is a constant pursuit after all.” 

“Don’t throw my own words back at me,” Matteo grumbled, though his tone was anything but serious. He only had fondness and love to share right now.

David hummed in response before he lifted Matteo’s chin gently with his hand, looking him in the eyes, “seriously, are you okay right now?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Matteo gave a little nod before kissing David gently. He wrapped his arms around Matteo’s waist, pulling him against his chest into a hug. They stayed like that for a while, holding each other close while old vine compilations continued to autoplay in the background. There was so much that David wanted to tell Matteo, and so much he wanted to ask about, but he knew that not every conversation was one that needed words. 

The two of them could steal looks at each other, kisses on the lips and cheeks and neck, fingertips tracing invisible shapes against bare skin, little head bumps, and noises of appreciation and it would make a whole conversation. It was easy again. They were still David and Matteo, much to David’s relief, but there was something new here, something better than what they had before because of how much they had grown. He could admit that everyone in his life was right, they had told him it would be fine, that it could even be better than he imagined, and they had been right. Even if it meant admitting that meant he had been wrong, David had never been so happy to be so wrong.

“Do you have any ideas about what you want to happen in the future?” David asked, keeping his voice low still. There was no one to eavesdrop, but he didn’t know how the universe worked, maybe if they were quiet enough, they could theorize and it wouldn’t have any impact on any possible plans that might already be laid out ahead.

“I want to be with you,” Matteo replied, his voice muffled against David’s shoulder. He pulled back carefully, letting his hands rest cupping David’s face as their foreheads pressed together, “and like, I don’t just want to be _with_ you, I want to like…” He let out a sigh and squeezed his eyes shut tightly, scrunching up his face almost like he was deep in thought. 

“What’s up?” David said, poking Matteo in the stomach gently which made Matteo giggle and squirm in his lap. 

“I’m trying to be serious, don’t tickle me!” He whisper-shouted at David as he pushed his hands away from his very sensitive, ticklish stomach. He took a deep breath, resting his hands on David’s cheeks again, his fingers gently tracing all of David’s features. “I want to live with you. Not in the like, move in together sense, like that’s a given. But I want to _live_. I want us to do whatever we can to really be… Alive. To really be us.”

“That’s going to be a lot of work, huh?” David joked, but he got pinched on the cheek by Matteo.

“We’ve already put so much work into our lives, we have to keep going,” he said, “I have no idea what the future has in store for us but…” He shrugged, pulling back from David and sitting up a little straighter. “It can’t be worse than what we’ve already been through. And if it is, then I guess we just go on an epic, kicking the universes’ ass adventure.” 

“You seem really optimistic about our chances against taking down the universe,” David said, his tone teasing, but there was more to everything than good and bad. David wanted to hear that Matteo was ready for what he was ready for, he just didn’t know how to ask if he was.

“I just think that if we talked about getting married and having our own family and all that stuff in the past then adding ‘kicking the universes ass’ to the list of couple to do’s wouldn’t be so bad,” Matteo grinned, answering David’s question without David even having to ask.

“So you still want to get married?” 

“I still want to do a lot of things, David,” Matteo said quietly, taking David’s hands in his own now. He linked their fingers together, holding on tightly. “Did I tell you the most important thing I learned while I was at inpatient?”

“What was the most important thing you learned?”

“I learned that I need to stop throwing my life away, every little moment means something, maybe it doesn’t mean something to the universe or fate or whatever, but it means something to _me_. And I owe it to myself to live the best life I can,” Matteo explained, his voice was gentle as he spoke, almost like he was reciting something he had practiced for a long time. “And you were always part of the bigger picture, no matter who I was going to come out of that being, because one part of living my life how I wanted was having you in it.” 

“Don’t make me cry,” David said as he tried to pull away his hands from Matteo to wipe the not-quite-yet-tears from his eyes, but Matteo didn’t let go. “I feel like you’re always so much more… Figured out and mature than I am.” 

“Is it because I’m older?” Matteo teased.

“You’re not older than me,” David stuck out his tongue, freeing one of his hands from Matteo’s grasp only to shove it in his face. Matteo laughed and knocked it away with his face. 

“Hm, who really knows? Time is nothing but an illusion.” 

“Seriously, Matteo, how do you do it?”

“Honestly?”

“Honestly.”

“I don’t. I just think about you, and I think about our friends… I think about the things and people that make me happy and it gets me through. So mostly, I think about you because as much shit as we’ve gone through,” he said, neither of them were unable to hold back their laughter. “You’re my home, David.” 

_Home._

Years ago, David had made home in Matteo and his life, somehow never expecting that he would become home for Matteo as well. He brought his hands to Matteo’s face and pulled him into a deep kiss, one he hoped conveyed all the promises he still couldn’t bring himself to speak out loud. 

“What do you think we have coming for us?”

“I don’t know,” Matteo paused a moment. “but I am sure that I’m all in on this. On us. What about you?”

“I’m all in too.” 

And he was telling the truth, no lies, no fear. He was all in, there was nothing that was going to change that. He had always tried to be sure of himself, he had always tried to project a cool, confident exterior so that everyone around him would think he was mysterious, that he had it all together, that fate and the universe didn’t scare him. When the universe wanted him to do one thing, he would always do the opposite, until he met Matteo Florenzi. 

David lost and found himself in Matteo’s embrace, when he took a chance to get high with him, he never would have thought it would lead here. He wouldn’t believe himself either if he went back just to let his younger self know how much better it gets.

The first story David had ever been taught in school was about the red string of fate and for the longest time, David didn’t believe it. And then one beautiful, chaotic, ridiculous boy stumbled into his life again and again and again, and David had to admit that maybe there was some truth to the string after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, whoa, okay. So... I know there's one more chapter left but this is... Pretty much it. This is like the big "THE END" of Soulmate AU y'all. Chapter 10 is going to serve as just a whole lot of soft epilogue/happy (maybe a lil angsty) stuff. 
> 
> I'm so sorry this chapter took so long to get out, there's been a lot going on in my life and there was a lot that I really wanted to do with this chapter as well. It went through a lot of edits and changes to get to this point so I hope it meets any expectations and that you all enjoy it <3
> 
>  
> 
> 1\. Thank you so much to all my friends who have read this AU, DDOD and the crew specifically for supporting me while I've been writing this. Y'all mean the world to me, your support means the world to me, and I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have the support I've had.
> 
> 2\. Thank you to all of you for reading this fic !!!! Seriously, support in kudos and comments has been one of the main driving factors to get this done. This story has been a lot for me, it's been like my emotional support writing since I graduated college and now that I'm almost three months graduated and almost fully done with this fic I feel like I've grown a lot in a lot of ways. I'm still a man who :// hates fate so much though ://
> 
>  
> 
> One of the best things about writing is being able to share a part of yourself with others, thank you to everyone who's been here reading my absolute nonsense. I love and appreciate y'all so much, seriously.
> 
>  
> 
> As always, please leave a comment and kudos, if you want to talk about the fic with me at all my tumblr is @filmictrans <3 :)

**Author's Note:**

> Is the title pulled from that For the Last Time lyrics "I told you to go left, then I went right"? Yes.  
> Who has no chill? I have no chill.  
> Did I start working on this fic while I was finishing up the Love Simon AU? You bet.  
> Should I be applying for jobs since I am now post grad? Yeah  
> Will I? Yes, but I need a distraction so...
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy! I'm excited to write this, I love David and writing his POV for the end of the Love Simon AU was wonderful so now we're here... Doin this... :)
> 
> As usual, comments and kudos are appreciated <3 <3 I will try to reply but I'm very bad at responding before I feel like I'm just repeating myself.  
> Follow me on tumblr @filmictrans


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